ex has "banned" son from cooking

[WaitingforRain]

My 17 year old DS does not have a great relationship with his dad, my ex husband. He is there now and there has been an "incident" with DS burning a pan of rice on the cooker hob, but no damage done. DS now reports that exDH has "banned him from using the hob for 2 weeks". DS is 17 and very into cooking. He bakes and boils all manner of things and messy but will clean up after himself. DH will be out of the house during working hours, leaving my son to make cold sandwiches etc for the foreseeable. DS has asked me for advice but I am at a loss as to whether to get involved or leave it. I think cooking is a life skill and at 17 he should be getting on with it. Ex husband has a history of being domineering and imposing odd bans and restrictions like this. Apparently ex husband's new partner recently burned something on the hob and was given hugs and kisses as she ruined a le cruset. What would you do?

I'd tell DS to come home.

Will there's not much you can do, is there, it isn't your house

YABU

If mine had done this I would also say no to cooking especially unsupervised for a period of time. But then I'd hope they wouldn't get to 17 and still fuck up when making rice.

Think if it this way, your son has proven he isn't capable of cooking safely, he is home alone for a long period of each day, it could have been much worse, if he does this again and causes a fire he would be home alone dealing with that.

I’d tell him to come home if he wants. TBH

Tell him to come home if he’s being treated like shit by his dad

Really? If someone makes a mistake you stop them doing that activity again? Have you never burned or spilled anything? Accidents happen and making people feel like shit about it doesn’t stop them happening again in future. Unless you were joking and I missed the tone.

He burnt some rice. Not even the pan. Burning rice is not "unsafe".

I burn food maybe once a month. I have never managed to burn the house down, and probably would panic if there was a fire while I was "home alone". I am 45. Are you saying I shouldn't be allowed to cook anything unsupervised until I am a proper grown up?

This reminds me when I was about 17 and I defrosted some bread in the microwave.
Except, I forgot to select "defrost".
The smell was so bad and the microwave was ruined.

My parents were mad, but nobody banned me from cooking.

I think everyone, absolutely everyone has burnt, broken, smashed and ruined food when cooking. It's normal.

It's hard because I think your ex is being very unfair, but it is his house, his rules.
But it may impact his relationship with his son.

Not cold sandwiches for lunch during a heatwave 😂 He'll manage on that!

If there's a bigger issue about his dads attitude and treatment, then that's another reason to bring him home.

A 17 burning things (and using a hob unsupervised) is very different to an adult doing it.

If he's 17 and doesn't get on with his dad why is he there ?

At 17 doesn't he just come and go to both your houses as he likes?

I burnt carrots a few wees ago,child coking for my parents, brother and children. Everyone just laughed...

Theres plenty that can be cooked in a microwave if he needs something more substantial.

Oh gosh if I got stopped from cooking everytime I burnt something I wouldn't never cook 🙃

It's good that he's done it as it reinforces the importance of checking on it ect. I don't know anybody that hasn't burnt something it seems pretty harsh to be honest.

Oooohhhjh - when I also clock up and burn things can I have a get out for cooking for the family for a period of time until I'm responsible enough to do it again?!

My dds dad is a bit like this - although she only sees him rarely. I don't get involved over what goes on in his house and when dd moans at me I tell her it's his house and his rules. What realistically can you achieve by getting involved? Nothing gained but a headache ime.

Banning someone from cooking is quite an odd response to them making a culinary mistake.

What does your son want from you, though? Surely not to intervene on his behalf. Your son could leave, or stay and try to negotiate with his dad, or just put up and shut up. But surely that’s for him and his dad to figure out.

I'd tell DS he has the option of coming home if he's unhappy or his dad is generally an arse.

But it's not a big deal to eat sandwiches for lunch in the summer.

I wouldn’t “do” anything about a 17 year old and the rules their parent who lived in another household imposed - what could you do, realistically?

As others say, sympathise with him that it sounds OTT and unfair and tell him he’s welcome to cook what he likes at your house.

Tell him he can come home if he wants to. His house his rules but ds is old enough to say he's not staying anymore if he wants to

I burnt something recently. Probably rice tbh. I'll tell the dc I'm banned from cooking for the foreseeable as I'm just not safe.

Sadly @WaitingforRain there's not much you can do other than tell ds to come home if he wants to. I'm surprised a 17 year old with a "not great relationship" wants to see his dad tbh. Mine rarely do these days.

a seventeen year old should be perfectly capable of using a hob unsupervised!

What happens between your almost-adult son and his dad in his dads house is not your business.

I'm not really sure how someone who's really into cooking manages to burn rice...

Without knowing the conversation that's actually being had and how your son dealt with the burnt pan we can't know who's wrong here but everyone sounds a bit dramatic

I'd say to my son. you are 17. It is your choice whether you are here or at your dad's. Come home any time you want.

Realistically what can your ex do? In a maximum of 12 months your son doesn't have to set eyes on him ever again if he doesn't want to. 🤷

This