ex has "banned" son from cooking

[WaitingforRain]

My 17 year old DS does not have a great relationship with his dad, my ex husband. He is there now and there has been an "incident" with DS burning a pan of rice on the cooker hob, but no damage done. DS now reports that exDH has "banned him from using the hob for 2 weeks". DS is 17 and very into cooking. He bakes and boils all manner of things and messy but will clean up after himself. DH will be out of the house during working hours, leaving my son to make cold sandwiches etc for the foreseeable. DS has asked me for advice but I am at a loss as to whether to get involved or leave it. I think cooking is a life skill and at 17 he should be getting on with it. Ex husband has a history of being domineering and imposing odd bans and restrictions like this. Apparently ex husband's new partner recently burned something on the hob and was given hugs and kisses as she ruined a le cruset. What would you do?

Think of it this way@alphapie
DS's dad's girlfriend has proven she isn't capable of cooking safely, it could have been much worse, she ruined a Le Crueset pan. But far from being banned - she was given "hugs & kisses".

It's sickening.

The cooking is not the issue.
The way his son is being treated is.

Bloody hell, it must be hard not being perfect in your family!! He made ONE mistake despite doing lots of cooking, he didn't do it on purpose. I'm 40 and still burn the odd thing, spill drinks, lose keys. Perhaps DH should ban me from the house!!

I f* up rice on a regular basis. I’m a fully fledged grown up. Meh it happens.

You sound awful.

I'd tell DS to come home.

I think this sounds like an extreme over reaction. I accidentally set fire to poppadums when I was 18 and black marks were left on the oven door above the grill. My parents thought it was hilarious and told me to cook more often so I could learn to cook without burning the house down. However, it is not your house so perhaps you can let your son know he can still cook in your house but will have to do as his father tells him whilst there

Oh my days. I've fucked up spectacularly a few times. Also damaged cookware.
Not so long ago I boiled a couple of eggs for two hours. Fucked the pan up.
Luckily as an adult like OPs son is I just throw stuff out and buy new. Despite all my many failings in cooking I've never set the place on fire, although a coconut cake was actually bright red in the middle, like lava.

Ex h is entitled to ban him

Ds is entitled to come home.

I'd be empowering ds rather than encouraging the relationship

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying this (haven't RTFT) but I have got to 43 and still fuck up when making rice...

I make an excellent Yorkshire pudding though...

At 17 your son has the decision to make really. If he doesn't want to abide by his dad's rules, he can leave and go back to yours, but I sense this will cause even more drama and accusations of you mollycoddling him.

We all burn something from time to time through being distracted or forgetting to put water in the pan when you're "boiling" something His DF's reaction says more about him than it does your son, so I'd be supporting him through that.

How intolerant! Everyone makes mistakes. I'm in my 40s and still burn things.
I even had a laundry accident the other day, clothing washed with a jumper had fluff all over it. Shit happens!

I agree with this. I think it's part of the deal with divorced parents - no one to tell the other when they are being unreasonable.

He can survive for two weeks without cooking.

Jesus, if only everyone was as perfect as you! You've never burnt anything, got timings wrong?

@alphapie glad to see so many people thinking you're totally unreasonable!

@Thinking2022

my parents would have been fuming that I’d fucked up the oven doors, they would not have had the money to replace them

We don't have the money at the moment to replace our kitchen and DD14 did set her cheese on toast on fire the other day.
If she had damaged the unit we wouldn't be furious, mistakes happen it's often the way we learn.
Yes it would be frustrating to not be able to replace something damaged but getting angry about a simple mistake rarely helps children or even adults to grow and learn.

He's old enough to drive and yet has been banned from using the hob...?!

It's such an irrational response to the incident that I can only think the intention is to belittle your son. Not much you can do though except welcome him home and agree with him that his dad has been ridiculous.

Absolutely this.

And I think you should tell his Dad to stop being ridiculous.

The girlfriend is an ADULT, the son is still legally a child. Are people really expecting men to treat their girlfriends like naughty teenagers, with punishments for transgressions..? Or is it that people are expecting children to be treated like adults, to do whatever they want with no consequences*...? either way it's very weird.

(*FWIW I do think a 2-week hob ban over an accident is excessive, but it's hardly the harshest or weirdest punishment I've seen a teenager be given either and hardly the end of the world for the son.)

If I was banned from cooking for 2 weeks everytime I burnt something I'd never cook lol.

Yes under these circumstances ok to invite 17 yo son back to yours "until his Dad calms down" if you want to.

on an unrelated note the microwavable pouches of rice are great imho especially if you're trying to cook the thing that goes with the rice and need to concentrate on that.

YABU. You should support his father's decision & back him up (as long as its reasonable). My friend died when i was 5, in a fire. My apartment burnt down when I was around 10-11 (bad wiring). When i was a teen, my friend left a pan of grease on the stove to talk to a girl, burnt down his place. Accidents happen. When working in the kitchen, it is important that we pay attention & follow basics. You dont say how bad this was. Maybe dad is trying to keep him from a tragedy. Dont interfere. As long as it is within reason, you both should always have eachothers backs & support the other parent. Did he overreact? Dont know, not sure how bad this got, what distracted your son & if this has been an issue b4. But cold sandwiches isnt going to hurt him. May make him pay more attention next time which may save his life or the house. But its not cool to talk abt dad w son like he is being unreasonable when he isnt.

It is a very bad idea to always back an ex up by the time your children are 15 years old. A sure-fire way to alienate your child. Absolutely fine to say I do not agree with the decision, but it is up to your dad, his decision.

I agree with this.

I wonder if this is as black and white as that he just burned the rice.

Rice is a bitch to cook properly, and I say that as someone who makes my own ravioli and soufflés etc. But there is a difference between say, burning the rice t the extent the pan has to be soaked for some time to get it off, and burning something to the extent you cause actual damage to the kitchen or utensils.

If my child damaged the oven or blew up the microwave as some on here have, I would be fuming and would be telling them that they needed to learn to be more responsible, and would definitely be having second thoughts about them cooking while I was out.

Bering in mind that 17 year olds are very righteous. Chances are there is more to this than him having simply burned a bit of rice.

That’s such a shame. We constantly tell teens to get off their screens and your son has found something rewarding and productive to fill his time. Your ex sounds horrid.