ex has "banned" son from cooking

[WaitingforRain]

My 17 year old DS does not have a great relationship with his dad, my ex husband. He is there now and there has been an "incident" with DS burning a pan of rice on the cooker hob, but no damage done. DS now reports that exDH has "banned him from using the hob for 2 weeks". DS is 17 and very into cooking. He bakes and boils all manner of things and messy but will clean up after himself. DH will be out of the house during working hours, leaving my son to make cold sandwiches etc for the foreseeable. DS has asked me for advice but I am at a loss as to whether to get involved or leave it. I think cooking is a life skill and at 17 he should be getting on with it. Ex husband has a history of being domineering and imposing odd bans and restrictions like this. Apparently ex husband's new partner recently burned something on the hob and was given hugs and kisses as she ruined a le cruset. What would you do?

@WaitingforRain

”leaving my son to make cold sandwiches etc for the foreseeable”

OMG!! 😩 shock horror! How will the poor lad cope?!

It is overly harsh and will not help build their relationship.

Possibly not the first time if he's always making a mess and cooking. It's not your house and not your rules. Tell him to get some microwave rice and problem solved. Or get him his own cooking pots and pans and he can burn them until the cows come home

This is clearly not about you son but about your ex. Let go of your anger, you'll feel much better.

As to the actual ban, if a random 17 year old had asked me for advice on how to proceed in this scenario, I'd have told him to wait a day or two, then apologise. He should explain how he plans to avoid such incidents in the future, and ask for the ban to be removed.

My money is on the father coming round.

I'm rubbish at cooking rice at 33! I'd offer him to come home then he has the option.

Apparently ex husband's new partner recently burned something on the hob and was given hugs and kisses as she ruined a le cruset.

what a bitch. What a complete an utter bitch.

The new partner that is.

Seriously to accidentally burn something and not be punished. Unbelievable. What a cow

Never made rice in my life

either cooked for me
or microwaveable packs, infused with delicious flavours!

This sounds like a good plan!

Banned from just using the hob?

Can he use the oven/toaster?

I wouldn't consider myself a good cook but even I have never burnt rice.

Have stuck it to the bottom of a pan though!

What does he want advice about?

Whether he should do as he's been asked/try to negotiate/come home?

17 is too old to be fucking up rice and yet 17 year olds shouldn't be in the kitchen unsupervised.

I fucking love Mumsnet. Absolutely batshit.

He doesn't sound much of a father, is your son bothered that much about contact?

You need to step back and not comment. I'd just say to ds he needs to talk to his dad.

Firstly, it's odd how many people on here seem to think a child is somehow the same as an adult. "I burnt rice the other day, should I punished too. Proceeds to feign ignorance at the difference". If I, as an adult, want to stay up until 3am every night watching the OC then I wouldn't expect DH to "punish" me for it - if a 17yo were, then I'd expect action to be taken. Independent adults and children living with their parents aren't the same. That shouldn't even need to be said.

Secondly, I think it's pretty clear that DS is playing OP here. Why does DS think OP has some influence over what happens at the ex's house? I assume that DS has tried this tactic multiple times before and it may well be a source of the issues between DS and the ex. DS doesn't appear to have explained to OP the circumstances around the ban, but has pointed out how unfair it is that a grown woman was recently treated differently which (as above) isn't the same thing.

I'd assume, to be frank, that this isn't an issue of burning the rice in-and-of itself. It's far more likely that DS damaged something or made a mess with the burnt rice, didn't clear it up, didn't apologise or didn't tell anyone - which isn't the same thing. I'd imagine there's a good chance it's not the first time either. Obviously, without all the info, DS could be an innocent little angel who made one small mistake and the ex is completely insane but, realistically, it's rarely the case.

Interesting responses.

If this were a woman saying that she had been staying with her boyfriend and had burnt some rice and he had gone ballistic and banned her from cooking there for a fortnight, would everyone be saying "his house, his rules"? Or would they be saying "get the fuck out of there, and chuck him in the bin"?

OP, I have known men like your son's father, and they are overbearing, horrible bastards. They also have a curious hold over people who are 'lower' than them in the family platoon - it's the old cliche about dogs loving masters who kick them.

In your position, I'd tell your son that his father is being ridiculous and that he can either choose to stay and put up with his father's rules and behaviour, or he can come home and cook what the fuck he likes. I can understand why you're trying to foster a positive relationship between the two of them, but your twat of an ex husband is not doing his bit here. Presumably your son apologised for burning the pan/hob and said he'd be more careful next time. That should be all that needs to happen, but with men like that, it's never enough. They have to carry on with their stupid rules and random punishments.

Do you know many 17 year olds?

he will likely be off to university very soon. He could have a job as a chief at 17.

he is practically an adult.

his dad sounds like a knob - will he treat him like this when he is 19? 23?

I don't agree with your ex's decision but I also don't think it's the worst thing a parent could do. It's a couple of weeks. If DS feels strongly then he can discuss it with his dad or come back to yours and cook there. This isn't something you need to get involved with.

You live and learn he can treat it as a learning curve. I'm sure he will be more careful from now on. Get him a timer to try and prevent it happening again. Cooking is an important life skill. Is the girlfriend banned from cooking?

Exactly - tell him to come home

Well i hope at 17 he could make that decision himself without his mummy telling him

He might be enjoying it there but moaning for mum's sake

Bloody hell.Don’t be so daft. .I burn things very occasionally. I’ve been cooking, and cooking well, for nearly 50. It’s called an accident.

It’s rarely likely to burn the house down unless he actually walked out of the house or his df doesn’t have this clever thing called a smoke detector.

Sure it’s not great as creates a lingering smell and wastes food and time. But hey..it’s an accident. No one is perfect.

Id make son clean the pan over a number of days and teach him the life skill of how to rescue burnt saucepans. Nasty old job but that’s life too. His dads being a precious twat.

Does he really tidy up properly after himself - my 16yr old tidies up but say she made cakes there would still be flour dusting some surfaces that she wouldn't notice. I'm just wondering if this was the last straw for your sons dad, some people get really ansty about those sort of things and then blow up over ridiculous things like burning rice as a one off.

Guess your ex might be concerned that he has shown some carelessness, so doesn’t want son cooking unsupervised whilst he’s at work. Maybe the ban doesn’t include whilst dads at home? I’d contact your ex to make sure of the facts.

I was just thinking that, OP are you sure this isn't a case of "don't cook while I'm not in the house".
Not knowing your ex, he may just be concerned that a bigger mistake could cause a fire.

But really, at 17, can your DS not deal with this himself and either decide himself to come home or stay and abide by the rules?