ex has "banned" son from cooking

[WaitingforRain]

My 17 year old DS does not have a great relationship with his dad, my ex husband. He is there now and there has been an "incident" with DS burning a pan of rice on the cooker hob, but no damage done. DS now reports that exDH has "banned him from using the hob for 2 weeks". DS is 17 and very into cooking. He bakes and boils all manner of things and messy but will clean up after himself. DH will be out of the house during working hours, leaving my son to make cold sandwiches etc for the foreseeable. DS has asked me for advice but I am at a loss as to whether to get involved or leave it. I think cooking is a life skill and at 17 he should be getting on with it. Ex husband has a history of being domineering and imposing odd bans and restrictions like this. Apparently ex husband's new partner recently burned something on the hob and was given hugs and kisses as she ruined a le cruset. What would you do?

I would butt out of the way your ex disciplines his son in his own home just because it's not what you would doesnt make it wrong

DH's house, DH's rules. DS is still a dependent child so has to accept them.

He can come if he wants to surely?
Or live by his Dad's rules, which I think are shit, but his house, his rules.

My Dad once hid a frying pan from me as I didn't wash it up as soon as I'd finished with it.
It was cast iron ffs, I'd have been burned!

Tell him to come home now or go and collect him. This is pure mean.

@WaitingforRain

im sure he’ll survive on sandwiches for lunch Op, millions do

@Mariposista

mean would be denying him all food.

this lad can make himself a sandwich for his lunch

whats mean about that?!

I would tell my son that I'll come and collect him - or he makes his way back, depending on distance etc

I wouldn't get involved from a 'speaking to your ex' perspective as your son is 17 but I'd make it clear that I was on his side and I'd prefer him to just come home

@CourtneeLuv

" a seventeen year old should be perfectly capable of using a hob unsupervised!"

I would agree! But I was saying this in response to the OPs comment comparing her son burning something and her exs new partner - you can't really draw a comparison between something an adult did that you heard about second hand and something a child might do unsupervised 🤷🏻‍♀️

It does sound a bit dramatic of his dad to ban him from cooking but to avoid a row with your ex I would keep out of it as it's his house his rules. I would just tell your son he can come cook at your house instead

Restricting use of the hob unsupervised is hardly the end of the world. It’s a bit silly, but there is no reason for you to get involved. Eating sandwiches and salads midday is not going to harm your son.

@alphapie

It is very easy to burn rice. I've had rice stick to the bottom of the pan a few times. YABU to assume that just because he burnt something once that he is incapable.

How the hell did anyone ruin a Le Crueset?

<misses point>

As a pp said, doesn't he just and come and go to both your houses at 17 years old?

If I was your DS, I wouldn't go to my dad's for a bit. Everyone burns things sometimes when cooking. It's not an issue at all and your DH making it into one is very weird and controlling.

Not the point. He likes cooking, and he made a mistake (heck everyone spills/burns things from time to time). Stamping his foot and laying down the law is just being a dick

I think it depends how often he burns things and under what circumstances.

I'm not usually cross if something gets burnt - as long as they wash the pan.

But I do remember dd burning baked beans very thoroughly because she went out and left them boiling in the pan. They were a smoking mess that looked close to bursting into flames when I saw them. I was frightened about what would have happened if I hadn't got to them. It felt dangerous and irresponsible, and I told her she couldn't cook anything before school again.

Regardless - it's his house and his rules. If you don't want him telling you how to parent your son, don't tell him. If he's being unreasonable, he'll know when your son stops visiting.

I'd be sure to let him know he was free to come to mine. Burning rice is hardly the crime of the century and, at 59, I still manage to burn things from time to time and no bugger bans me from the stove sadly.

This depends.

DS is cooking dinner for everyone and some rice ends up burnt on the pan. This is the first time DS has burnt something. The pan is undamaged and DS salvaged dinner? Very odd to impose a ban on cooking.

DS is cooking for himself and burns rice to the pan, either damaging the pan or not clearing it up. His dad finds out later from finding the pan either dirty or broken because DS just left it, and this is the culmination of numerous discussions about clear-up or taking care? Very reasonable to impose a ban on cooking.

OP won't be getting the full version of events from DS so there's no way for us to know.

Just married at the age of 27 I made a chicken casserole in my new Le Cruset which was quite small as in only holding 2 portions. I misjudged the time and when I took the lid off it looked as if it had been cremated. it was really the ovens fault Dh and I had a laugh about it. Should I have been banned from cooking for a fortnight.

He is free. Dad's house dad's rules🚶.

His house, his rules I suppose.

Tell your ds to come home if he wants to cook and isn't allowed.

He's 17. He can walk out the door.

When a one year old falls over after their first step would you ban them from walking too? We all know it's unsafe to fall over.

I'd stay out of it. His house, his rules etc.

But a ban for two weeks? How long is you DS staying with him?

I am at a loss as to whether to get involved or leave it leave it, surely at 17 he can leave his dads house if he wants?

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is right that it is not my house or rules etc, but I got a text from DS asking for my help. I believe my ex is reacting in a dramatic manner. They do not get on brilliantly, but we are trying to encourage them to have a relationship rather than no relationship which is why he goes there but he is not forced, obviously. Banning someone from cooking is not really going to help DS in the long run if he wants to learn to cook. DS is a responsible cook but I imagine he got distracted and no-one wants that happening if he is home alone. Sandwiches it is then, and I will offer DS to come home if he wants.