ex has "banned" son from cooking

[WaitingforRain]

My 17 year old DS does not have a great relationship with his dad, my ex husband. He is there now and there has been an "incident" with DS burning a pan of rice on the cooker hob, but no damage done. DS now reports that exDH has "banned him from using the hob for 2 weeks". DS is 17 and very into cooking. He bakes and boils all manner of things and messy but will clean up after himself. DH will be out of the house during working hours, leaving my son to make cold sandwiches etc for the foreseeable. DS has asked me for advice but I am at a loss as to whether to get involved or leave it. I think cooking is a life skill and at 17 he should be getting on with it. Ex husband has a history of being domineering and imposing odd bans and restrictions like this. Apparently ex husband's new partner recently burned something on the hob and was given hugs and kisses as she ruined a le cruset. What would you do?

Agree completely.

@WaitingforRain

As your son has asked for your help, maybe ask him what he wants to do. Iyswim.
Rather giving him advice, maybe by asking him what he wants to do, this will help your son realise he has choices and can make his own decisions.

Tell him to use Microwave.

Thank god most parents are not psycho like you. Sounds awful

See, I'd stop encouraging a relationship.

Just let them figure it out.

Make sure your Ds knows that his home is always there for him and he doesn't have to ask permission to come home.

In his own house, DF can choose to have no cooking. DS meanwhile is 17, if he doesn't like it then he can go back to your house. I'd have a chat about being careful so he doesn't burn the house down, but 2 weeks no cooking is a bit daft. Nevertheless, that's the DF's rules. I'd tell them both you aren't getting involved any more to be honest, your DS is already adult enough to choose what relationship he wants to have, or not have.

Oh, get over yourself. I’m 46 and I’ve been cooking since I was a child. Once in a blue moon I might also forget to take something off the hob before it burns, because that is a normal human error that a normal human might occasionally make. Some rice gets burnt on to a pan, big deal. It is not a sign that they cannot be trusted to prepare hot food. OP’s ex is a domineering prick.

He’s 17

he doesn’t get on with his dad

so if he doesn’t fancy going around there, he shouldn’t

@Mariposista

course it is!

It’s warm out, my teenage son or daughter in the kitchen with the oven on, hob making it even hotter and creating a mess in the middle of the day.

Just no. Couldn’t be arsed with that.

They can make themselves a salad or sandwiches for lunch just like 99% of the population do. It won’t kill him.

And as for what to say to him

”love, I’m your mum and love you but c’Mon, this is really not something you should be coming to me about!”

Are you sure it wasn't because he forgot to turn the hob off after he was done? That would seem the liklier scenario given the reaction. Dad probably doesn't want the house burning down whilst he is out.

It must be horrible to know that, if you piss your dc off, they can just walk out and go to another parent.

It must be so much easier to parent when both parents live together and you can show a united front, when it's impossible to play you off against each other.

If dad is being horrible then of course mum is right to tell ds to come home.

But if dad is reasonable - and we don't know because 17yo are masters at understatement when they've messed up - then interfering is very undermining.

I'm a single parent btw before anyone thinks I'm being critical.

But then I'd hope they wouldn't get to 17 and still fuck up when making rice.

I’ve long passed 17 and still fuck up, accidents happen.

Depends on why the rice got burned doesnt it. A moments inattention is vastly different than going to the loo with phone for half a "manly" hour or going on xbox while waiting for it to cook.

Its not your house so you can't override the ruling. Just tell him to eat a sandwich, like thousands of others, or come to your house. It really is that simple.

I'm not really sure how someone who's really into cooking manages to burn rice...

I am a very good cook but I managed to burn the bottom layer of a pan of jasmine rice the other week when I was distracted. It's only hard to burn if you drown it in litres of water as if you are cooking pasta. If you cook it properly with the absorption method it is perilously easy to burn (although if you catch it in time you get the much-prized crispy base of tahdig).

I think he has overreacted, but then again it's not the harshest or the weirdest punishment I've ever heard of for a teenager. I also think it's slightly overdramatic to suggest your ex is hobbling your son from learning to cook - it's 2 weeks, not a lifetime ban.

As for what your son should do... if he actually wants to stay at his dads there are a few things that come to mind. I don't know if it's a typo but your OP says he's banned from "using the hob". Which would imply he can still use the oven and grill? Also if he's really passionate about learning to cook he could also buy himself a cheap slowcooker from Wilko's or a supermarket and learn a few dishes in that (and then take it with him when he moves out or goes to uni - it'd be a good investment). Even if he's not allowed to use the cooker at all, he could still presumably heat up microwave meals if he doesn't fancy cold sandwiches every day. Then there's the final option which is to just ignore the ban and clean up after himself very carefully...

A 17 burning things (and using a hob unsupervised) is very different to an adult doing it.

It’s not, though, is it? He’s 17, not 7. A 17-year-old cooking is absolutely no different from an adult cooking. He accidentally let some rice boil dry; the end result is the same as an adult doing the same thing. He’s old enough to work in a professional kitchen, ffs, let alone make himself some lunch. The notion of ‘supervising’ a 17-year-old to do normal life stuff is infantilising and weird.

I too would stop encouraging a relationship and stay neutral. At 17, it is ex-partner's job alone to develop a relationship with his son.

Oh sorry, I forgot the actual final (and easiest) option - just eat sandwiches for lunch like actually most people in this country do every day, it'll hardly kill him. You say your ex is away during work hours, which would imply he comes home for tea, so your son will presumably get a hot meal every day.

Would would i do? Nothing! It's none of your business what goes on in your ex's house.

It amazes me how much a small number of parents infantilise a nearly adult child. And the hospitality business is full of 18 year olds.

What does he expect you to do when he's at his dad's do you think?

I think it depends how it became burnt, everyone burns things occasionally accidently burning the rice while in the same room is different to if he walked away leaving it to burn imo.

Presumably he's allowed to use the microwave, tell him to buy some microwave rice and stuff

Send him a Halogen oven. only £38

Not to sound too harsh but you're making out that having to eat sandwiches is equivalent to something terrible.

It's up to his dad how he handles it, really. Seems a bit dramatic to ban him from cooking but if that's how he wants to handle it let him get on with it.

i think it’s fair enough to say he can’t use the job if there is no supervision if he has burnt rice.
most people have a sandwich or cold lunch it’s not a particular hardship.
why don’t you send him some salad/dressing recipes? It’s bloody hot at the moment and he might have fun playing around with things like this and working on favour combinations www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/blood-orange-mozzarella-rocket-salad