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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister disclosed that her DP 'hid' in his ex's home for 6 months

175 replies

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 15:38

Hi all my sister, to whom I'm very close, has started seeing a guy and it's getting serious but she confided something to me that has shocked me about him.
He is in his early fifties and seems to be OK. Good job and own house but she recently told me something about him that made me go hmm...
In his late twenties, he was living at home with his parents and continually out of work.
He had pressure put on him to do something by his mother so - and I cannot get my head around this but it's true-he pretended to be working away but instead hid in a female friend's flat for 6 months.
Apparently he hoped to go home after his 'contract' ended which he did but obviously having been out in the big wide world his folks wanted him to continue in the same vein - which he didn't.
He ended up moving in with his female friend, who at the time was a recently divorced single mum of a two-year - old child, and they become a couple.
She gets pregnant and after about ten years of him doing nothing chucks him out.
Since then, he's turned his life around and is successful but my view has changed of him now, frankly the fact he hid in his ex's flat for months when she had a small kid makes me think he's an user.

I mean the poor woman must not have been able to have anybody round her place and to be frank as regards as benefits were concerned the whole thing was dodgy to say the least-though after all this time no longer provable.

Oh I'm not saying his ex is blameless but yes a bit vulnerable after a divorce.
Anyway this is about him not his ex who incidentally appears to despise him.

But my sister really likes him and he has seemed to have turned things around but I'm still mistrustful of him since she told me this.

AIBU people CAN change or am I right in thinking that this is such a terrible thing this guy is screwed in the head in a fundamentally awful way.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 10/07/2022 15:42

When you say 'hid' do you mean in the loft while the female friend was unaware?
Or that he lived with the friend but told his parents he was elsewhere with a fabulous career to get them off his back?

ZaraSizeMedium · 10/07/2022 15:44

Yeah if I were your sister I'd be doing a bit of digging on his "good job and own house" front.

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 15:45

Gazelda · 10/07/2022 15:42

When you say 'hid' do you mean in the loft while the female friend was unaware?
Or that he lived with the friend but told his parents he was elsewhere with a fabulous career to get them off his back?

The latter to get his parents off his back.

OP posts:
heavyistheheed · 10/07/2022 15:46

It was 20/30 years ago?
I'd judge him on how he behaves now. Be wary, but that would be the case with any new DP.

Minimalme · 10/07/2022 15:55

As pp said, check if he really has a good job now. That's a lot of work-shy years he has.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/07/2022 15:56

It sounds stupid, and very immature, but if his female friend was happy with it, it's not that big a deal surely ? As you say it was a long time ago now, I dont see how her benefits had anything to so with it, he obviously wasn't contributing financially

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/07/2022 15:59

God I glad I'm not judged on the stupid shit I did 25 years ago!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 10/07/2022 16:01

How did he "hide" anywhere?

Watchthesunrise · 10/07/2022 16:02

Dishonesty. I'd see it as a🇲🇪

Trixiefirecracker · 10/07/2022 16:08

People do change. Maybe judge him on his behaviour now, rather than what he did in his 20s. I made a lot of mistakes back then but am not the same person now. You also don’t know the full story and how bad the pressure was from his parents. Could be all sorts of other things in the mix.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2022 16:10

Did she tell you because she thought it was funny or did she tell you because she doesn't trust him?

InFiveMins · 10/07/2022 16:10

Personally I wouldn't be worried about this - it was years ago in his twenties, sounds like he could have been struggling with his mental health. He sounds like he has got his act together now, so I'd just leave it and focus on the person he is now.

Penguinevere · 10/07/2022 16:11

He wouldn’t get a second chance from me

if you do something like that for months/years it’s not a stupid mistake it’s a personality trait.

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 16:11

coffeecupsandfairylights · 10/07/2022 16:01

How did he "hide" anywhere?

He didn't leave the flat for 6 months for fear of his parents or anyone else seeing him.

OP posts:
ZaraSizeMedium · 10/07/2022 16:12

This period of deception and cocklodging lasted from his late 20's, for 10 years, so into his late 30's.

Hardly something he did short term, as a stupid kid.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 10/07/2022 16:13

@Coffeestout yes - but your title gives the impression that he was there without the friend knowing!

I honestly can't see the issue as long as the friend was happy about him being there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Was it stupid? Of course, but we all did stupid things when we were young. I remember lying to my parents about doing driving lessons (I even pretended I'd taken and failed my test) because they were putting so much pressure on me to learn that I panicked 🙈

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 16:13

girlmom21 · 10/07/2022 16:10

Did she tell you because she thought it was funny or did she tell you because she doesn't trust him?

She didn't tell me as she thought it was funny. She's horrified!
The man's like a weird variety of cocklodger.

OP posts:
Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 16:16

coffeecupsandfairylights · 10/07/2022 16:13

@Coffeestout yes - but your title gives the impression that he was there without the friend knowing!

I honestly can't see the issue as long as the friend was happy about him being there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Was it stupid? Of course, but we all did stupid things when we were young. I remember lying to my parents about doing driving lessons (I even pretended I'd taken and failed my test) because they were putting so much pressure on me to learn that I panicked 🙈

Yeah OK but a man NEARING 30 hiding from his parents for six months. Come on hardly the same thing as a teenaged girl doing what you did.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 10/07/2022 16:17

@Coffeestout I was in my late twenties 😳

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 16:24

ZaraSizeMedium · 10/07/2022 16:12

This period of deception and cocklodging lasted from his late 20's, for 10 years, so into his late 30's.

Hardly something he did short term, as a stupid kid.

Well quite.
Isn't it funny how he and female friend became a couple when the pressure to move out and job continued when he got 'back' from the 'job'. 🙄

Cocklodger.
He would have been claiming JSA but that's it.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2022 16:26

I get exactly where you’re coming from op. How is he successful? Are you sure? For example, is he faking a career and/or pretending to own the house he’s living in? He may have inherited the house or money from his parents for example and giving the appearance of doing ok for himself. Or he could have blagged everything.

PinguIglu · 10/07/2022 16:31

I find it hard to believe that he didn’t leave a flat, so wasn’t even in daylight and didn’t exercise and hid from the whole world for 6 months because he was so scared of his parents reaction if they found out he wasn’t successful.

If true, that would cause me to be concerned that his parents were abusive, and also to think that he may have been mentally unwell.

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 16:34

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2022 16:26

I get exactly where you’re coming from op. How is he successful? Are you sure? For example, is he faking a career and/or pretending to own the house he’s living in? He may have inherited the house or money from his parents for example and giving the appearance of doing ok for himself. Or he could have blagged everything.

I'm going to have to look into it more closely. Only way.

Frankly, I think he took advantage of a newly divorced single mother.
Oh yeah and this woman now despises him.
His daughter doesn't talk to him either.
Not drip feeding, there's only so much you can put in an opening post after all.

OP posts:
Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 16:43

PinguIglu · 10/07/2022 16:31

I find it hard to believe that he didn’t leave a flat, so wasn’t even in daylight and didn’t exercise and hid from the whole world for 6 months because he was so scared of his parents reaction if they found out he wasn’t successful.

If true, that would cause me to be concerned that his parents were abusive, and also to think that he may have been mentally unwell.

He LIED to his parents who were being totally and utterly reasonable (times a million) in wanting their near 30-year-old to do something about his whereabouts for 6 months

and...
Hid in the flat of a female friend (who remember probably had to severely limit her social interactions - no granny visiting for her 2-year-old too).

No he did NOT leave for fear of being seen.

He was most definitely a cocklodging c*. Or just so mentally ill nobody should be involved with him. That's being charitable-I suspect the former.

Question is, is he still that way.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 10/07/2022 16:45

How did he tell your sister about it and give all that detail? Was he brutally honest and full of regret, or did she just read between the lines?

I must say an ex and an adult child that both don’t want to know him certainly rings alarm bells for me.

It only costs £3 to look up who owns a property on the land registry. That is something I would consider doing if this were my sister.

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