Sister disclosed that her DP 'hid' in his ex's home for 6 months

[Coffeestout]

Hi all my sister, to whom I'm very close, has started seeing a guy and it's getting serious but she confided something to me that has shocked me about him.
He is in his early fifties and seems to be OK. Good job and own house but she recently told me something about him that made me go hmm...
In his late twenties, he was living at home with his parents and continually out of work.
He had pressure put on him to do something by his mother so - and I cannot get my head around this but it's true-he pretended to be working away but instead hid in a female friend's flat for 6 months.
Apparently he hoped to go home after his 'contract' ended which he did but obviously having been out in the big wide world his folks wanted him to continue in the same vein - which he didn't.
He ended up moving in with his female friend, who at the time was a recently divorced single mum of a two-year - old child, and they become a couple.
She gets pregnant and after about ten years of him doing nothing chucks him out.
Since then, he's turned his life around and is successful but my view has changed of him now, frankly the fact he hid in his ex's flat for months when she had a small kid makes me think he's an user.

I mean the poor woman must not have been able to have anybody round her place and to be frank as regards as benefits were concerned the whole thing was dodgy to say the least-though after all this time no longer provable.

Oh I'm not saying his ex is blameless but yes a bit vulnerable after a divorce.
Anyway this is about him not his ex who incidentally appears to despise him.

But my sister really likes him and he has seemed to have turned things around but I'm still mistrustful of him since she told me this.

AIBU people CAN change or am I right in thinking that this is such a terrible thing this guy is screwed in the head in a fundamentally awful way.

It's not just about him being unemployed, though. Absolutely not.

It's: making his ex complicit in a devious shitty plan.

Suddenly falling in love with someone who had just been a friend until the point his parents wanted him out.

If they'd just met fancied each other and he moved in it would be different.

He also seems unhealthily involved with his widowed mother. She still does his laundry, cooks him meals to take home etc. Reminds him to pay bills etc.

Your sister should run like the fucking wind.

You're really emotionally involved in this OP. I think you should let your sister make her decision and support her whatever that is.

I can’t quite work out if some on here are being argumentative for the sake or it (likely as its MN we love a good old bicker) or have very low standards of what is acceptable from grown man

I will admit that some of the answers I've received her have left me thinking wtf?!
Thanks for pointing out it could just be arguing for arguing's sake.

What he did back then was so obviously shitty:
Lying to his parents, getting someone else involved in the deceit, a small child being in the mix (I don't know how many times I've had to repeat that his ex's actions weren't exactly great either but that I'm not concerned by her!),
coincidentally becoming romantically involved when he needed a place to live.

The behaviour of an utter shit.

Has he changed, though? Evidently not it would seem.

It's the little kid being involved in all this that really, really gets to me.

I mean like was she sworn to secrecy or something? 'Don't tell daddy or gran etc that *' s here. '

Fucking vile.

BTW, I am not one for swearing anywhere unless I feel it is justified-it is here.

But yep sister's gonna dump this prize specimen of cocklodgery! She slept on it and thought that he's not right for her.
I'm relieved to say the least.

That's a good outcome for your sister OP. In my view, the number of red flags acceptable is zero when it comes to taking someone into your life. Just not worth the risk.

I'm so pleased she's going to dump him! He's got his Mother to sort his life out. your sister will a weight off her shoulders without him

Will notice the weight

Good news glad your sister has realised he isn’t worth her time

You said you are only stating facts but you are reiterating the same pieces of info over and over again while adding in your own assumptions each time. So no you aren't just stating facts. Let your sister do a bit more detail and support her in her decision whatever that may be

Are you “the sister”

Your intensity and imagination is OTT.

Is this negative, rigid and spiralling pattern of thinking / speculating normal for you?

Has he changed, though? Evidently not it would seem.

Thats a black and white conclusion. Where can you say he has “evidently” not changed as the evidence is that he has done a total 180 (works, own house) - which means he wouldn’t need to be a cocklodger now.

I honestly don't know why people post if they haven't read the entire thread.

Cocklodgery isn't just about money, though.

His parents wanted him out.

Think of the effort he'd have to make to find a new place, sort out benefits etc.
Keep on top of the chores.

This is a man in his early fifties whose mother still does his laundry, cooks him meals, reminds him to pay bills etc when all he really does is make a bit of cash - not really a business as such as it transpires-out of a hobby while sitting pretty in a house he was fortunate enough to inherit.

(I keep getting flack about me 'imagining' he didn't do his laundry as if that negates everything else. Lol. Honestly given everything else that he told my sister, the idea he turned into a domestic god upon his stint of cocklodgery is laughable.)

He needed a replacement mummy as his sitting on his arse all day in the parental home was no longer a longer sustainable option and, not being completely stupid, he knew the game was up, so moved in with a woman who was only a fwb until the point his parents started giving him grief who for some reason thought he was the bees knees or too besotted/stupid to join the dots.

She despises him for some reason now, though. Wonder why🙄

Anyway, his sorry arse is now in the bin.
Thanks for all the contributions. It's been enlightening.

so moved in with a woman who was only a fwb

And now you're adding in another assumed detail, you said he moved in with her, how do you know they were fwb? And even if they were, she would have agreed to it or was she soo weak she was unable to say to him and that's why they had a 10 year relationship

Turn it arond, maybe she wanted someone like him, needy and desperate so she could mother him and control him, how do you know she didn't manipulate him??

I don't care about her motivations. I don't know how many more times I have to say this.
It's him I'm concerned (or was) about.

Maybe you're right. Maybe he was an 'accidental' cocklodger but intended or not that's what he was.
But having a guy around so I could mother and control him wouldn't be my cup of tea - especially if I knew I was just convenient for him-but I can't speak for others.

I think she sussed that she was just convenient in the end - hence the hatred-but I admit that is pure speculation.

The bottom line is that this guy is useless at life.
What happens if my sister gets sick? Or something else happens? He can't even wash his own clothes or wash up in spite of not having a real job.

Whatever way you look at it, she's better off without.

I admit that is pure speculation.

Let's look at all you have speculated.... The woman's reason for letting him live with her in the first place. The woman's strength / vulnerability. The arrangement between the 2 while he lived there for 6 months. Whether or not they were FWB. Why they started a romantic relationship. Why they broke up. Why she hates him. ALL of that has been made up in your head from assumptions and speculations....

But having a guy around so I could mother and control him wouldn't be my cup of tea - especially if I knew I was just convenient for him-but I can't speak for others.
....
I think she sussed that she was just convenient in the end - hence the hatred-but I admit that is pure speculation.

As is everything else you have assumed, many people hate their exes for many many reasons

I don't care why she let him move in.
I don't care about her strength/vulnerability.
That sounds harsher than it is meant, rather, it is not my concern.
As for the arrangement between the two of them, again I don't care.
Them being fwb, it's probable is it not? I mean, come on, given how inconvenient all this would be: no friends, family around, having to lie for 6 months, having to get the child to lie about him being there, having to lie to the dwp and risk them investigating your living arrangements etc you must really really fancy someone to do this for them.

Even if she was a willing accomplice, he's still a piece of shit for asking her and no friend.

Odds on that given he only started a romantic relationship with her when he needed somewhere to live it was down to convenience.

Before that for about two whole years (her and her ex-husband split when child was a tiny baby) she was 'one of the boys' and a 'mate' in his eyes.
Yes he did tell my sister these exact words and they stuck in her head because it marked him out as an user.

Hardly the words of a man in love.

I can only speculate why they broke up I admit.

But all in all he was a cocklodger so who cares about the bits I've speculated about.

Why do you care so much, anyway?
The general consensus is that he's an outright user or those that are being charitable saying that it was a 'blip' in his life or he had mental health issues and to give him a chance.

Nobody's condoning his behaviour, are they?

I care because I care about my sister. Don't know why you do.

If you didn't want anyone to care, why did you post a thread looking for advice? If you don't care about any of the speculations you made, why have you mentioned them constantly and continued to speculate? If you really want to help you sister, stop adding legs onto this story and help her work through the actual facts! 🙄
Side note... Your overuse of the word cocklodger on this thread is giving me the ick!

Sorry about that but I like the word and it's appropriate.
I will tell you what gives me the ick-a grown man near 30 wanting to hide in my flat for 6 months away from the world.

Wouldnt matter if I though his penis was made of chocolate before he asked, I'd deduce he was a pathetic specimen of manhood.

Jesus! No wonder your sister backed off, she probably did it for a quiet life. Over invested is an understatement. That poor man, such vitriolic hate from a person who knows very little about him. Hope he finds someone who thinks for themselves and doesn’t listen to gossip.

Oh yess the poor cocklodger, won’t someone think of the menz.

Never mind, there will be plenty of twits in the sea to do his washing in return for some self esteem.

It's not gossip, though, it's what he told her.
He hid in a female friend's flat when he was near 30 because he didn't/couldn't work.

Maybe my sister has standards in men I dunno.

But perhaps you're right: this feckless, never had a job liar who can't even wash his own pants or do his own dishes is a catch.

(not in my universe).