Sister disclosed that her DP 'hid' in his ex's home for 6 months

[Coffeestout]

Hi all my sister, to whom I'm very close, has started seeing a guy and it's getting serious but she confided something to me that has shocked me about him.
He is in his early fifties and seems to be OK. Good job and own house but she recently told me something about him that made me go hmm...
In his late twenties, he was living at home with his parents and continually out of work.
He had pressure put on him to do something by his mother so - and I cannot get my head around this but it's true-he pretended to be working away but instead hid in a female friend's flat for 6 months.
Apparently he hoped to go home after his 'contract' ended which he did but obviously having been out in the big wide world his folks wanted him to continue in the same vein - which he didn't.
He ended up moving in with his female friend, who at the time was a recently divorced single mum of a two-year - old child, and they become a couple.
She gets pregnant and after about ten years of him doing nothing chucks him out.
Since then, he's turned his life around and is successful but my view has changed of him now, frankly the fact he hid in his ex's flat for months when she had a small kid makes me think he's an user.

I mean the poor woman must not have been able to have anybody round her place and to be frank as regards as benefits were concerned the whole thing was dodgy to say the least-though after all this time no longer provable.

Oh I'm not saying his ex is blameless but yes a bit vulnerable after a divorce.
Anyway this is about him not his ex who incidentally appears to despise him.

But my sister really likes him and he has seemed to have turned things around but I'm still mistrustful of him since she told me this.

AIBU people CAN change or am I right in thinking that this is such a terrible thing this guy is screwed in the head in a fundamentally awful way.

You are now officially confirmed unhinged. This is not normal and you sound seriously disturbing. You are either the ex, the daughter or some stalker.

Yeah, it'd be a hard no from me on this one. It's not like it was just the hiding bit although I agree that's awful on many counts. He then connived to get into a relationship with the friend and continued to freeload for 10 whole years with no job. He must have been 40ish when they split? That's not a silly 20 something making a little mistake. His ex and daughter not speaking to him is just one extra thing in a row of red flags.

Also, why did he tell your sister all this?? It's easy enough for dickhead men to hide stuff. It smacks of pushing boundaries - if she stays with him when he reveals something pretty unforgivable then he can push further gradually till he's sponging off her or other bad behaviour and she's baffled as to how they got to that point.

All of a sudden, despite just being mates with this woman for a couple of years, he decides he really loves her and he moves in.
Yes, I am assuming given these facts, that he didn't do his own laundry. Or anything else for that matter. Perhaps play computer games with the kid.

It's kind of a reasonable assumption, don't you think?

No?

Who was he freeloading from @Workawayxx ? Not the girlfriend, as apparently she wasn’t working either.

Lol.

Because its her sister and she's worried about her.
Maybe if the women on here stuck with loser pieces of shit had family who was this concerned they'd be in better situations.

I would say he could be quite controlling then. The female friend had to be co-erced into going along with his lies while he lived there.
She was manipulated.
If he hasn't been in therapy then I figure he's not really moved on. He may have fallen into a job since by a happy accident.
I figure he's still on the lookout for a Mummy to mind him and is a responsibility shirker. Funny he looks to women to mind him. He didn't have a male friend to hide with.

I think that a lot of the posters who are criticising me are or were in similar situations as his ex.

It's pretty clear he's a shit. Or at least was.

I agree that I've got to let her get on with it though, but honestly giving my opinion when asked and hoping she'll see sense.

What more can I do.

But yeah rein my neck in. Agreed.

You can be concerned about his past yes, but are there anything in his actions in the present that are worrying you? If not, I don’t think there is much you can do except leave them to it.

I would say he could be quite controlling then. The female friend had to be co-erced into going along with his lies while he lived there.
She was manipulated.

An HOW on earth would you know this???

@PinguIglu I assumed he was living off the family benefits. Maybe he got JSA but I don't think that covers much. OP says "After 10 years of him doing nothing" so ex/government was paying for a healthy man to do zero work. I have assumed he wasn't providing care to ill ex/childcare etc so some assumptions made on my part I admit!

It couldn't have exactly been easy for her, could it?
Having to stop people calling around, being in this web of deceit.
Knowing that should anyone call around unexpectedly the cover's blown.

No going out herself without having to lie about who was babysitting, no family around.

Just the fact that he wanted her to do this tells me he had no regard for her and my calling her his friend is wrong.

I would not ask anyone who I had any regard for to do this at all.

Who would?

His male friends would have probably told him to piss off and not been prepared to do his laundry and chores because the idea that he turned into a domestic god in her flat is laughable.

Not forgetting the benefit fraud angle if he's there unofficially.
Some friend he was to her.

I'm not going to post anymore about this so thanks for the input but in all honesty I am absolutely amazed that anyone could think what he did back then was not utterly and completely awful.

This thread was meant to be about whether a leopard could change his spots, not about whether his actions back then were OK or not as they so obviously weren't.

Very revealing though in what low expectations some people have of men.

Thanks for the input.

There is too much assumed by you OP - you are, to some degree understandably, assuming worse case scenarios because you are worried for your sister. The ex might be a horrible piece of work - she may have persuaded him to move in. There are many unknowns. The plus side for your sister is that a red flag has been identified - she can keep this in mind as she finds out what he is really like now. I hope things work out well for her, with or without him.

you have literally no idea what happened in the 10 year relationship, none, unless you are the ex (and you claim not to be)

You can only know about any benefit fraud, her lying about baby sitters and never having any visitors unless you are her.

I never claimed to.

I'm just repeating the facts as he told my sister. I'm not going to repeat them again.
I don't give a damn what 'went on' in the relationship.

The relationship is no concern of mine.

His behaviour is: the lying to his parents, the extremely long periods out of work, how he miraculously fell in love with his ex when he needed a place to live.
I'm assuming he's telling the truth because they hardly make him look good. Lol.

What went on with the poor woman he duped into letting him stay there is no business of mine other than to say I'm hope she's flourishing now she's free of the manchild.

So you judge him as terrible for committing benefit fraud. but not her? How were they committing fraud? By saying they were a couple for the first 6 months? They weren’t. By your own admission, he paid rent.

You worry about the impact on the child. But lay no blame at the mothers door? Who was actually the person responsible for their well being. But she can’t possibly be responsible because you assumed she must have been vulnerable? And added some other details in?

this is whole post is pointless. Your sister has been put off so that’s that.

the actual thread is ‘my sister was seeing someone, he told her a story about his past behaviour that made her uncomfortable. So she is ending it’

Thats it!

What went on with the poor woman he duped into letting him stay there is no business of mine other than to say I'm hope she's flourishing now she's free of the manchild.

You're just making shit up now.

Wait...this was 30 years ago????!

What does this actually have to do with you? Butt out!!

I have to say that this is the first time ever I've seen such a blatant act of cocklodgery defended here.
Mind blowing.
He was so obviously a c* for lying to his parents and hiding in his ex's flat.

Incidentally his ex may not be an angel either but she's not seeing my sister so I'm not concerned about her personality traits.

Who incidentally has accused him of coercive control and neither of the two children of the family talk to him anymore.

Would you want a guy like this seeing your sister?
Course not.

This level of making shit up drip feeding would flood even the Sahara desert.

This reminds me of my exh, but I didn't see it the time
He had drifted into various situations which made life easier for himself meaning he didn't have to work
On hearing I was pregnant with first DS, his Mother told me to " get rid, he doesn't cope with responsibility"
With hindsight she was correct... I'm still friendly with her, and My 3 DS's have nothing to do with him
I divorced him 12 years ago
He's repeated the same pattern
It's a personality trait, they don't change.
I would make discreet enquiries about his job and housing if I were you
People saying it's nothing to do with you are wrong
It absolutely is natural to want to protect and care for your sister.

Should've said my exh is now 62
I do hope your Dsis sees the light

I appreciate your comment. I really do.