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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister disclosed that her DP 'hid' in his ex's home for 6 months

175 replies

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 15:38

Hi all my sister, to whom I'm very close, has started seeing a guy and it's getting serious but she confided something to me that has shocked me about him.
He is in his early fifties and seems to be OK. Good job and own house but she recently told me something about him that made me go hmm...
In his late twenties, he was living at home with his parents and continually out of work.
He had pressure put on him to do something by his mother so - and I cannot get my head around this but it's true-he pretended to be working away but instead hid in a female friend's flat for 6 months.
Apparently he hoped to go home after his 'contract' ended which he did but obviously having been out in the big wide world his folks wanted him to continue in the same vein - which he didn't.
He ended up moving in with his female friend, who at the time was a recently divorced single mum of a two-year - old child, and they become a couple.
She gets pregnant and after about ten years of him doing nothing chucks him out.
Since then, he's turned his life around and is successful but my view has changed of him now, frankly the fact he hid in his ex's flat for months when she had a small kid makes me think he's an user.

I mean the poor woman must not have been able to have anybody round her place and to be frank as regards as benefits were concerned the whole thing was dodgy to say the least-though after all this time no longer provable.

Oh I'm not saying his ex is blameless but yes a bit vulnerable after a divorce.
Anyway this is about him not his ex who incidentally appears to despise him.

But my sister really likes him and he has seemed to have turned things around but I'm still mistrustful of him since she told me this.

AIBU people CAN change or am I right in thinking that this is such a terrible thing this guy is screwed in the head in a fundamentally awful way.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2022 18:24

I think it’s good you’re going to dig. You can check if at least he owns the house. Assuming he’s 52 he’d have been 29 in 1998, which is a time, when the economy was picking up well after the deep recession. If he’s a little older, he could genuinely have been struggling to get a decent job at the time. That doesn’t excuse how he acted over the next 10 plus years.

madasawethen · 10/07/2022 18:41

She needs to do a complete background check on him if she is planning to stick with him long term.
He may be lining up his nurse with a purse for retirement.

I suppose he also waited until he knew she was smitten with him before he unloade this zinger.

bloodyunicorns · 10/07/2022 19:07

Bit of a weird way to put it. I thought he'd actually been hiding in the loft so the homeowner was unaware of him... 🙄

OooErr · 10/07/2022 19:10

So.. he actually told your sister that his ex chucked him out for doing nothing?

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 20:29

OooErr · 10/07/2022 19:10

So.. he actually told your sister that his ex chucked him out for doing nothing?

The only thing I know is that his ex despises him and he has no contact with his daughter.

Why the poor woman he used as a replacement mother for ten or so years doesn't really concern me.

Is it not clear he's a cocklodger? Surely it is to anyone who thinks about it.

But that may not be the reason she chucked him out.
Who cares, though. He's still a cocklodger.
I didn't start this thread to argue about his past cocklodgery-that's obvious. It's about his current personality.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/07/2022 20:46

Well if you only know his ex despises him that doesn't mean a lot. Plenty of people despise their ex for various reasons. As to him being a cock lodger I thought the term was for a bloke who was living with and off of a woman and contributing nothing. If they were both at home and on benefits then no he isn't a cock lodger, and it is very possible that he has now found work and is settled and buying a house. It sounds more like you have made your mind up you don't like him so you are determined to save your sister from someone you don't like

Coffeestout · 10/07/2022 20:56

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/07/2022 20:46

Well if you only know his ex despises him that doesn't mean a lot. Plenty of people despise their ex for various reasons. As to him being a cock lodger I thought the term was for a bloke who was living with and off of a woman and contributing nothing. If they were both at home and on benefits then no he isn't a cock lodger, and it is very possible that he has now found work and is settled and buying a house. It sounds more like you have made your mind up you don't like him so you are determined to save your sister from someone you don't like

He's a cocklodger. Cocklodgery isn't just about money for some men, it's about finding another mummy to look after a guy.

He used her flat as a hiding place for 6 months.
And they only became a couple when his parents increased the pressure on him to move out.
He has told my sister all of this.

His own daughter does not talk to him. Why is that?

OP posts:
Coffeestout · 11/07/2022 06:37

May I ask those who have voted that I AM being unreasonable a question:

Is it IABU because he WAS definitely an using cocklodger in the past but people can change after 20 or so years and grow up?

Or... he was never an user in the first place?

If it's the latter, I really do not understand: he lied to his folks for months, upended a two-year-old child's life, took advantage of a newly divorced woman's obvious crush on him AND, crucially, only formed a relationship with said female friend WHEN his parents were adamant he moved out.

I mean just how is this OK?

OP posts:
Mally100 · 11/07/2022 07:11

Coffeestout · 11/07/2022 06:37

May I ask those who have voted that I AM being unreasonable a question:

Is it IABU because he WAS definitely an using cocklodger in the past but people can change after 20 or so years and grow up?

Or... he was never an user in the first place?

If it's the latter, I really do not understand: he lied to his folks for months, upended a two-year-old child's life, took advantage of a newly divorced woman's obvious crush on him AND, crucially, only formed a relationship with said female friend WHEN his parents were adamant he moved out.

I mean just how is this OK?

I think you are really off the mark here and actually quite silly. Do you know that woman personally. Did she tell you that she was used or forced into doing this? Why make such an assumption or jump to wild conclusions? Do you know his parents personally to know exactly what they asked of him ? This was 20-30 years ago, you have no knowledge of anything about these people? Seems like you heard a few MN terms and trying to fit that to this man.

Coffeestout · 11/07/2022 07:25

@Mally100 It's not about the woman, it's about him.

I can only speculate about her, of course.

But... Him lying to his parents, him hiding in someone else's flat for 6 months, him only forming a relationship with said woman only when his parents wanted him out when the pressure to move out permanently continued after his working away stopped and moved back home.

As it would for goodness sake. What parents would want their near 30 son living unemployed at home with them forever? They would want him to become independent.

He has said all this himself! I mean why would he make this up? Those are straight from his mouth.

Your moral compass seems very different to mine if you think his behaviour acceptable. Really, I don't see how you think this is OK.

He was at least at some point a complete shit. Question is has he changed.

OP posts:
Zeus44 · 11/07/2022 07:33

20 years ago he did something hardly even that bad and you’re vindicating him for it now when it’s zero to do with you? Seriously OP, shame on you.

Zeus44 · 11/07/2022 07:34

OP - I think you need to change. Some serious undertones of jealously here, is your life really that unhappy you have to do a full sweep of his life and his past mistakes?

PinguIglu · 11/07/2022 07:43

@Coffeestout - There are so many assumptions from you regarding a woman who you have never met who had a relationship with a man you barely know. The events you are speculating about happened 20 years ago.

For example, you seem upset about her “doing his laundry”. How do you have any idea who was doing the laundry ?! You have made a whole story in your head, based on very limited information, and you sound slightly unhinged and very obsessed with it all.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 11/07/2022 07:43

He was at least at some point a complete shit. Question is has he changed.

There is no adult on this planet who hadn't been a complete shit over something at some point. None of us are perfect and I bet someone could pick a whole lot of faults with your past if they were asked to.

I know I made a lot of mistakes in my twenties and I'm bloody glad nobody is judging me on them now.

Why not try and judge him for who he is today? Get to know him, speak to him, spend time with him - of course you can have reservations but you seem to have added 2+2 together and come up with 357.

Coffeestout · 11/07/2022 07:47

Zeus44 · 11/07/2022 07:33

20 years ago he did something hardly even that bad and you’re vindicating him for it now when it’s zero to do with you? Seriously OP, shame on you.

You don't think he did anything that bad? Seriously?
Lying to his parents who presumably thought he was doing well and turned his life around?
Using a woman who up to the point he needed somewhere to live permanently was just a friend?
Curtailing the life of a small child by making it an unknowing accessory to his deception?
Confusing the child by this strange guy moving in?
Continuing to sit on his arse not working for a decade?

Yes, he's a great guy and I'm overreacting, obviously.

Funny how his ex now despises him and has accused him of abuse and his daughter no longer speaks to him too.

But maybe I should ignore all that and tell my sister who is really distressed by his 'confession' to ignore all the red flags and crack on.

OP posts:
CamoTeaLaLa · 11/07/2022 07:47

I don’t think you’re BU, op. Is your sister on the same page? Sounds like it, if she’s incredulous about his story.

I can get my head around him being feckless as a twenty-something, as I too was feckless (bit spoiled, didn’t know what I wanted to be when I ‘grew up’ etc 🙄). It took me a big head wobble to get myself together and since then to now (48yo) I have been extremely sensible and hard working. But his tale of lying and sponging is a little different.

If you and sister are both curious as to his current status I don’t think it’d be U to pursue it a bit. If she’s having trouble taking him seriously then her having another convo about it all with him is entirely reasonable.

KneeQuestion · 11/07/2022 07:50

From the way you phrased the title implying he was hiding in his exes attic or something 🤨

you sound overly invested and seem to be assuming a lot.

Sartre · 11/07/2022 07:50

Sounds like he had a bit of a crazy blip in his life really. He was a prisoner for half a year just to avoid his parents judgment and during his imprisonment managed to get a friend pregnant.

I’d be more inclined to judge him on how he acts now, we all make mistakes and do stupid shit.

Mally100 · 11/07/2022 07:52

Zeus44 · 11/07/2022 07:34

OP - I think you need to change. Some serious undertones of jealously here, is your life really that unhappy you have to do a full sweep of his life and his past mistakes?

This. Sounds like she is set out to ruin her sister's relationship. Op is obsessed with this man and has made wild assumptions here without knowing any of these people involved. That is very disturbing.

Summersolargirl · 11/07/2022 07:52

Wow you are really judgey and invested and looking for any reason to break them up, the question is why?

NashvilleQueen · 11/07/2022 07:56

I think it's a matter for your sister and not you. You've said she's horrified at the revelation so presumably she will work out what to do for the best without you having to try and obtain additional detail about a historic event that was no business of yours and which he appears to have voluntarily offered up to your sister (as opposed to her having discovered it).

Your tone is harsh and obsessive. I think you see an opportunity either to completely fuck things up for him for some reason or other or to have a bit of drama in your life.

Coffeestout · 11/07/2022 07:58

CamoTeaLaLa · 11/07/2022 07:47

I don’t think you’re BU, op. Is your sister on the same page? Sounds like it, if she’s incredulous about his story.

I can get my head around him being feckless as a twenty-something, as I too was feckless (bit spoiled, didn’t know what I wanted to be when I ‘grew up’ etc 🙄). It took me a big head wobble to get myself together and since then to now (48yo) I have been extremely sensible and hard working. But his tale of lying and sponging is a little different.

If you and sister are both curious as to his current status I don’t think it’d be U to pursue it a bit. If she’s having trouble taking him seriously then her having another convo about it all with him is entirely reasonable.

Yes we can all be a bit feckless while young I agree but like you said most of us don't go as far as him.

It's the two-year-old whose mum recently split from her father being put through further confusion by him being there that really bugs me, too.

If it was just two adults behaving like this, involved in a stupid act of deception, it would not be so bad.

It's just totally shitty behaviour.

I also know his ex has accused him of controlling her and his daughter doesn't want to know him.

My sister is so upset. I can't lie: my advice is to dump him.
Plenty more fish in the sea, and even if he's changed, why take the chance?

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 11/07/2022 08:08

Well he is dishonest

if he was 19 at the time I would think it was childish and a bit odd but 29 I would think that is ridiculous and very deceitful then the added 10 years

And now he has a great job, let me guess at the moment the house is rented out/renovation work so can’t go round blah blah blah

he has told your sister that he is liar and lied to extremes to his parents so won’t think twice to lying to her she should take it as a warning (and move on)

HRTQueen · 11/07/2022 08:10

And the ex doesn’t want to know him on top of his story

speaks volumes she needs to move on quick

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/07/2022 08:17

let her live her life
fgs how old are you both
assume you are not young
but you cannot influence your sister as much as you think you can
just stay open minded about him for her sake