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Original poster

Taxi sharing with male friend

151 replies

Novasmum · 09/07/2022 19:33

Looking for perspective over this situation.
For context mixed gender friendship group and myself are mid to late 20s and socialise on weekends by dinner then drinking in the town centre. I share a taxi home with 1/2 of my male friends as we live close. Taxi ride home is as such.

Same way until a roundabout.

Turn off 1 is 3 minutes away from male friends house
Turn off 2 is 5 minutes away from my house
Distance between is about 4 minutes.

Lately I have been requesting to be dropped off first which puts male friend slightly out of the way. But he has started complaining. I have explained after drinking I am uncomfortable being a woman alone in taxi and that it would be really appreciated and safer if I was dropped first. He does not understand this at all.

Do I need to grow up and accept him being dropped off first or is he being unreasonable in not understanding his privilege as a man not having to take his safety into consideration with things like this? Thank you

OP posts:
Davyjones · 10/07/2022 13:54

Hiddenvoice · 09/07/2022 19:47

It can be unnerving for you. Can you both take turns on who is dropped off first? Then you could arrange to be on the phone to him or someone else for the rest of the journey home? This is what I used to do. I would phone my friend whilst they were in the taxi and then once they stepped out, I would then just have a random chat with them until I paid and got into my house. There was only one time that I felt very nervous so whilst chatting, I sent the drivers info to my friend and from them on, I would take note of the registration plate.

Being in the phone is actually a marker used for who to attack. Distracted

walk without distraction and with purpose

Gwenhwyfar · 10/07/2022 13:55

Novasmum · 09/07/2022 23:48

If these were 11pm taxi rides I’d feel different but we’re talking 4am.

Happy to accept I may not be completely reasonable but some of you seem completely blasé about the things women need to take into consideration for their safety.

I seriously hope you are teaching your daughters more awareness and not telling them to ‘get over themselves’ for being concerned. I’m genuinely glad that your lives are sheltered enough to not have to think about these things but I do not have that privilege. I was followed and harassed by a man in the middle of the day in a shopping centre earlier this week. If you think women do not have to be wary of these things then you must be so blissfully aware of the world we live in.

I think it's more that we have to accept a certain amount of risk to be independent.
Being out alone in the dark is much more dangerous than in daytime, but I'm not going to stay in from 4.30 in the winter.

SheepingStandingUp · 10/07/2022 13:58

Your friend is a dick. Being out up in front of your female friends and get their agreement to show him this is a thing

Anxiernie · 10/07/2022 14:06

your female friends and get their agreement to show him this is a thing

They might not agree with OP just because they are female. As this thread shows...

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/07/2022 14:15

But you aren't getting into a random car are you. You are getting into a booked and traceable taxi. The time is irrelevant, I wouldn't expect a male friend to go home and leave you on your own waiting for a taxi, but once you are in the taxi then it is fine for the nearest to be dropped off first.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 10/07/2022 14:18

I think as long as its a proper taxi/mini cab and your not using unlicensed taxis then yabu to feel like you can't travel alone. That aside its unfortunately not a surprise your friend doesn't understand your concern for safety, as men simply never have to think about these things!

SheepingStandingUp · 10/07/2022 14:20

Anxiernie · 10/07/2022 14:06

your female friends and get their agreement to show him this is a thing

They might not agree with OP just because they are female. As this thread shows...

No but hopefully as her friends and females they will still support her to help him him understand f why she might feel vulnerable. Even if they caveat it with thlve taking 4 am taxi rides with taxi drivers alone

Aprilx · 10/07/2022 14:34

SheepingStandingUp · 10/07/2022 14:20

No but hopefully as her friends and females they will still support her to help him him understand f why she might feel vulnerable. Even if they caveat it with thlve taking 4 am taxi rides with taxi drivers alone

Show quote history

Women can go out without male escorts. She doesn’t need an escort and there are safe ways to get home without a male accompanying her. What if she didn’t have this male friend, would she never go out after dark?

I would hope her female friends would tell her to take responsibility for her own safety.

SmellyWellyWoo · 10/07/2022 15:14

@LoudingVoice I'm giving suggestions as to workable alternatives which would still allow OP freedom. Never getting a taxi alone isn't a realistic option if she wants to socialise regularly. OP needs to make her own life choices and not rely on other men to make her feel safe- where's the freedom in that? I'd argue that driving herself allows her more independence than demanding male escorts.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 10/07/2022 15:14

If I was too scared to get in a taxi by myself I wouldn't even be able to get myself to work every day as I take one daily!
If it's pre-booked from a reputable firm I don't see the problem
I do think it's a lot of responsibility to place on your friend too, how you wouldn't want to go out if he wasn't there for example.
It's no way to live to be too scared to go places by yourself without having what is essentially a male chaperone.

YankeeDad · 10/07/2022 15:41

"Scared" is not a binary between "totally safe" and "too dangerous / will not do it" There is also a difference between taking a taxi at 4am versus taking a taxi at busier times.

If this male friend can, by accepting what feels like a very minor inconvenience to himself, help the OP to feel further towards the "safe" end of that continuum, then I should have hoped that would be enough reason for him to make the effort when he can.

At least that is my idea of what friends do.

LegoVsFoot · 10/07/2022 15:49

If you're anxious it's up to you to be prepared. Carry some self defense items/take a self defense class. Don't enlist a random friend to be your bodyguard, that's unfair.

Kite22 · 10/07/2022 15:52

LoudingVoice · 10/07/2022 12:01

Why should women have to arrange their whole lives around anxiety?

This is pretty much victim blaming, ‘oh if you’d not drunk alcohol you wouldn’t have been attacked/if you’d driven yourself and not got a taxi you wouldn’t have got attacked/if you’d not worn that skirt you wouldn’t have got attacked’

Show quote history

Of course it isn't victim blaming. Don't be ridiculous.
OP has stated that, for whatever reason she hasn't shared, she is too scared to stay in a taxi on her own after a night out. So SmellyWellyWoo is offering an alternative that the OP could take up if she prefers. Just as lots of other posters have made suggestions of things she can do to help her with her anxiety.

Kite22 · 10/07/2022 15:56

ChampagneLassie · 10/07/2022 12:02

Whilst I agree it's a risk, I think the risk is incredibly small, and I think you should try to rationalise this and be OK with it. Nonetheless your fear is your fear and I would hope your friend would be kind enough to spend a few more mins for your peace of mind. It would sour a friendship for me if he wasn't prepared for this minor inconvenience

Thing is, it isn't a one off, minor inconvenience, that would take a few minutes.

It is EVERY WEEK.
She is asking that he chaperones her every week. So, if he didn't want to go one week, she then makes him feel guilty by not being her bodyguard.
Or if he wants to just go to the dinner and not on for drinks.
Or if he is away for the weekend
Or if he is ill
Or if he wants to go home with someone else.
Of if he wants to go on to a nightclub or party at someone's house.
Or if he wants to take someone home with him.

QueSyrahSyrah · 10/07/2022 15:58

I think you're being overly anxious about this OP. You really never ever take a taxi without a male friend present? I'd find that extremely life-limiting. What would you do if you were all out and your friend wanted to leave before you were ready to? Or you'd travelled somewhere alone?

I'm all for sensible precautions (I'd never walk home from a night if I was alone, but I do with DH) but this is over the top IMO.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 10/07/2022 15:59

He's a bit of a prick, isn't he?

This. After the black cab rapist he still has that view. I'd get an Uber by myself in future - i find i feel safer in them as they are tracked etc.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 10/07/2022 16:07

If these were 11pm taxi rides I’d feel different but we’re talking 4am.
I regularly get a taxi at 5am.
Would be extremely limiting if I was relying on a man to be my chaperone every time.
I'd rather be independent.

1FootInTheRave · 10/07/2022 16:13

You are putting too much on this friend.

I would find it suffocating.

Singinghollybob · 10/07/2022 16:20

I think you should pay the extra fare every time if you want to be dropped off first

Singinghollybob · 10/07/2022 16:27

So is it more the time of day (5am rather than 11pm) rather than being alone with the driver full stop?
But then you were also harassed in the shopping centre during the day.
Can you ask your friend to stay on the phone for the extra few mins it'd take to get to your house? Or pretend to be on the phone to somebody for those few mins?
I do think you should offer to pay the extra every week though.

Intransigentcat · 10/07/2022 16:52

He's not a very good friend is he? It's a matter of a few minutes of his time and costs him nothing financially to make you feel a bit safer and god knows the world isn't safe for women.

There was an attempted rape of a woman in a small park at 7pm near my work recently on right summers evening, she was with her child and the park has houses directly on all four sides. You'd think it was very safe.

Whether we like it or not women are at risk. One of the men who I work with (whom I would also consider a friend) has since that attack been urging me to be extra vigilant when arriving first at work to unlock. Added to that without any form of prompting he has been trying to arrive earlier to work to minimise the time I'm alone. That's how a friend behaves, that's how someone who understands male privilege behaves.

PeekAtYou · 10/07/2022 17:00

If you feel safer at 11pm than 4am then go home earlier. You shouldn't have to change your behaviour because of your anxiety (which I accept isn't completely irrational) but expecting others to bear the cost and time is unfair.

FWIW i have a young adult dd who gets taxis alone after midnight with a reputable company where I can track the journey if needed. I would also take a taxi at night if I needed to. It must be very limiting for you and the friend to only go out if he's available.

Personally I don't think 11pm is safer than 4am but that's because of my son being the victim of a crime at 10pm and a local woman vanishing at 9:30am and missing years later Sad

alphapie · 10/07/2022 17:05

Intransigentcat · 10/07/2022 16:52

He's not a very good friend is he? It's a matter of a few minutes of his time and costs him nothing financially to make you feel a bit safer and god knows the world isn't safe for women.

There was an attempted rape of a woman in a small park at 7pm near my work recently on right summers evening, she was with her child and the park has houses directly on all four sides. You'd think it was very safe.

Whether we like it or not women are at risk. One of the men who I work with (whom I would also consider a friend) has since that attack been urging me to be extra vigilant when arriving first at work to unlock. Added to that without any form of prompting he has been trying to arrive earlier to work to minimise the time I'm alone. That's how a friend behaves, that's how someone who understands male privilege behaves.

He is statistically more likely to be attacked on the journey home than the OP.

Just as an FYI

limitededitionbarbie · 10/07/2022 17:47

savemeagin · 09/07/2022 19:59

Closest person should get dropped off first. I do this with my friend which means she gets out of the taxi first - however we always make a point of saying (in front of taxi driver) that I will ring her as soon as I'm home safely.

Same.

Op if it was an all female group using the taxi one of you would have to be last.

If you use Uber etc not a black taxi off the street then your tracked the whole journey.

Can you not ring the last friend you drop off once they have left and just chat until you are out of the taxi?

blebbleb · 10/07/2022 18:19

It's not really on him to babysit you.