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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taxi sharing with male friend

151 replies

Novasmum · 09/07/2022 19:33

Looking for perspective over this situation.
For context mixed gender friendship group and myself are mid to late 20s and socialise on weekends by dinner then drinking in the town centre. I share a taxi home with 1/2 of my male friends as we live close. Taxi ride home is as such.

Same way until a roundabout.

Turn off 1 is 3 minutes away from male friends house
Turn off 2 is 5 minutes away from my house
Distance between is about 4 minutes.

Lately I have been requesting to be dropped off first which puts male friend slightly out of the way. But he has started complaining. I have explained after drinking I am uncomfortable being a woman alone in taxi and that it would be really appreciated and safer if I was dropped first. He does not understand this at all.

Do I need to grow up and accept him being dropped off first or is he being unreasonable in not understanding his privilege as a man not having to take his safety into consideration with things like this? Thank you

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 09/07/2022 23:01

Honestly I think you're being over the top and I think I'd be annoyed each night having to out of my way. In the main taxis are a very safe way to travel and I would absolutely make sure that you tell your companions that you'll ring them when you get home.
I'm honestly really surprised that you would miss a night out if you had to get a cab on your own. That's a little extreme jn my opinion

RedRec · 09/07/2022 23:01

If I was him I would respect your fears and not make a babyish fuss over it. What an arse.
You are not being unreasonable, OP.

Ottersmith · 09/07/2022 23:03

Well it's great to hear that so many women here seem to have never been sexually assaulted in their lives, otherwise they wouldn't be so dismissive of your concerns. If he can't acknowledge that something like this makes you feel uncomfortable then he's being a dick. It doesn't matter how likely it is to happen. It's not such a big detour. Fucking Hell it's like MeToo never happened.

Kite22 · 09/07/2022 23:06

YABU.
This is not your friend's responsibility.
What if he wants to leave early, or go out somewhere else afterwards when you want to go home?

No point in me repeating all the advice given, but there are things you can do to help you feel a bit less worried, but getting home after a night out is your responsibility, not your friend's.

Quoting one person who was attacked walking home needs to be put in the context of the millions of women that live their lives and get home from nights out, from work, from friends etc every night of the week. It was an awful thing to happen, but, like all risks, needs to be put in perspective.

Apollonia1 · 09/07/2022 23:15

I think your friend is being ungentlemanly.

I normally drive when I go out, but if I shared a taxi home with a male friend, they'd insist on me being dropped off first, if it was only a few mins out of the way.

If I shared a taxi with a female friend, we'd drop the nearest person first, but have a plan to phone each other once the second person was home.

Ohhhhladz · 09/07/2022 23:18

So, dropping him then you adds six minutes to your trip. Dropping you first then him adds eighteen minutes to his trip and eight minutes (in terms of cost) to the total trip, compared to dropping him then you?

I'm a woman and pretty aware of the risks; I use a taxi or public transit alone at night. (I do understand the fear as well - there were a string of taxi rapes of young women in my home city when I was a teenager, very much in the news for months before the perp was caught; I still have some gut fear in these types of situations but am able to suppress it.) However, I also know that the fact that I feel able to do this does not mean that all women do, or that the reluctance of many women to do so isn't a direct result of sex-based inequality amd the societal normalisation of VAWG.

If you were my friend and had told me your anxieties about this situation, I would agree to have you dropped off first because your company and friendship would be more important to me than the extra eighteen minutes once a week. (I'm assuming as you are friends you would do a similar favour for him given the chance.) If I were you, though, I would offer to pay the extra and I would do what I can to find ways to manage the anxiety just in case you're in a situation where you have no choice but to handle it alone.

I guess YABU to expect him to do this, YANBU to be disappointed he won't even consider it, HIBU to dismiss your concerns because he doesn't "understand" them - of fucking COURSE he doesn't; that's exactly the nature of the privilege. He can still believe you about what you are experiencing, and simply tell you "no - sorry, but I don't want to spend the extra time."

... you can't spend the rest of your life being protected by males from every perceived risk in life. She isn't asking a male to protect her, she's asking her friend to help her avoid one very specific situation she has a serious and not completely unfounded concern about which is CAUSED by male VAWG, and from which the friend is at much lower risk because of being male.

LoudingVoice · 09/07/2022 23:18

Ottersmith · 09/07/2022 23:03

Well it's great to hear that so many women here seem to have never been sexually assaulted in their lives, otherwise they wouldn't be so dismissive of your concerns. If he can't acknowledge that something like this makes you feel uncomfortable then he's being a dick. It doesn't matter how likely it is to happen. It's not such a big detour. Fucking Hell it's like MeToo never happened.

There’s a difference between acknowledging that women have been subjected to violence, and ensuring that you’ve got a way to get home, and allowing that minority to rule over your entire life to the point you won’t get a taxi home alone.

Queenoftheashes · 09/07/2022 23:26

This is insane. If I were to, for example, go for work drinks, I am the opposite side of London to everyone else so it’s tube and walk on my own. A taxi alone would be the luxury and extra cautious option! How do you live your life if you need a male chaperone everywhere you go?

SwanBuster · 09/07/2022 23:32

From a male perspective - in your friends situation I’d understand your request and accept it 👍 I have no idea how it feels to be a woman in this situation so who am I to argue.

That said - I would expect you to offer the difference in the overall fair cost given your request takes us a non optimal route.

And then when you had offered, I would refuse to accept anything other than 50/50 and say ‘don’t be silly’.

saraclara · 09/07/2022 23:33

There’s a difference between acknowledging that women have been subjected to violence, and ensuring that you’ve got a way to get home, and allowing that minority to rule over your entire life to the point you won’t get a taxi home alone.

If you get into a car, the risk of being killed in an RTA has to be higher than being murdered or raped by a taxi driver. So maybe none of us should travel by car.

Me Too wasn't supposed to make all women terrified of normal life.

TyneTeas · 09/07/2022 23:33

I think that there is a difference between being alone in the taxi when there is no other option (like when going home alone) and in the scenario described where there is an option to not be alone though

saraclara · 09/07/2022 23:36

TyneTeas · 09/07/2022 23:33

I think that there is a difference between being alone in the taxi when there is no other option (like when going home alone) and in the scenario described where there is an option to not be alone though

There's no difference in risk in the yep situations. And it's not up to a male friend to be some kind of bodyguard (at cost and inconvenience to him) when it simply isn't needed.

saraclara · 09/07/2022 23:36

Yep=two

LoudingVoice · 09/07/2022 23:40

TyneTeas · 09/07/2022 23:33

I think that there is a difference between being alone in the taxi when there is no other option (like when going home alone) and in the scenario described where there is an option to not be alone though

I honestly wouldn’t think twice about getting into a taxi on my own.

I accept that violence has happened against women but in reality more women are assaulted by someone they know than by a stranger, which is why the cases involving an unprovoked attack by a stranger get more press coverage - women need to assess the risk appropriately, not live in a constant sense of panic.

User000111 · 09/07/2022 23:45

@ilovesooty 'Perhaps the OP should be careful about drinking if she feels unsafe in a taxi too.' What a stupid thing to say, women shouldn't have to watch what they drink or change their behaviour. Some men will still be a threat regardless of what we do! Talk about victim blaming. Maybe her friend could just be a decent human and see that she gets home safely

catfunk · 09/07/2022 23:47

5 minutes costs a lot in a cab.
I think if you want to make them have an unnecessarily long journey you should pay the difference.

Original poster
Novasmum · 09/07/2022 23:48

If these were 11pm taxi rides I’d feel different but we’re talking 4am.

Happy to accept I may not be completely reasonable but some of you seem completely blasé about the things women need to take into consideration for their safety.

I seriously hope you are teaching your daughters more awareness and not telling them to ‘get over themselves’ for being concerned. I’m genuinely glad that your lives are sheltered enough to not have to think about these things but I do not have that privilege. I was followed and harassed by a man in the middle of the day in a shopping centre earlier this week. If you think women do not have to be wary of these things then you must be so blissfully aware of the world we live in.

OP posts:
User000111 · 09/07/2022 23:52

Novasmum · 09/07/2022 23:48

If these were 11pm taxi rides I’d feel different but we’re talking 4am.

Happy to accept I may not be completely reasonable but some of you seem completely blasé about the things women need to take into consideration for their safety.

I seriously hope you are teaching your daughters more awareness and not telling them to ‘get over themselves’ for being concerned. I’m genuinely glad that your lives are sheltered enough to not have to think about these things but I do not have that privilege. I was followed and harassed by a man in the middle of the day in a shopping centre earlier this week. If you think women do not have to be wary of these things then you must be so blissfully aware of the world we live in.

100% 👏🏼

Queenoftheashes · 09/07/2022 23:56

I’m sure we’ve all encountered inappropriate men but if you book a taxi there is no anonymity for the driver so you’ve got to be statistically very safe.

LoudingVoice · 10/07/2022 00:08

I’m teaching my daughters/nieces that they are allowed to live in this world, and yes we need to be aware of safety but no, I will not cower away and not live my life and neither should they.

I live in a big city, for many years I lived alone, I’m very very aware of my safety and I’m also very proud of my independence and I will not live my life in fear.

The concept of requiring a male companion for safety at any time of the day or night most certainly is not something I would want to teach any young woman.

Sorry OP but it doesn’t appear to have done you any favours and I’m concerned at your lack of confidence and how it’s affecting your life.

Kite22 · 10/07/2022 00:10

But @Novasmum you are just twisting things there, I'm not sure why - maybe to justify your helplessness ?

I am aware of things women need to take into consideration, as are my 2 adult dds and my 2 adult dc's partners that are women. We are all aware of dangers, and risks, and what to do to give us the best chance of being safe (many of which have been suggested to you on this thread).

We know that none of us (men or women) can ever be 100% sure our day will end without some disaster befalling us (even if you stay in your own home) but you can't go through life assuming you are going to be a victim all the time.

You risk asses, and then you mitigate risks and get on with life, knowing that millions of people do risky things like cross roads, drive cars, fly on planes, walk home on their own, or get in a taxi every single day and are fine, and the times it isn't fine are 'News' because they are horrific, but incredibly rare.

ilovesooty · 10/07/2022 00:14

User000111 · 09/07/2022 23:45

@ilovesooty 'Perhaps the OP should be careful about drinking if she feels unsafe in a taxi too.' What a stupid thing to say, women shouldn't have to watch what they drink or change their behaviour. Some men will still be a threat regardless of what we do! Talk about victim blaming. Maybe her friend could just be a decent human and see that she gets home safely

As I said previously I was responding to the OP's own words in her first post.

Clymene · 10/07/2022 00:14

Ottersmith · 09/07/2022 23:03

Well it's great to hear that so many women here seem to have never been sexually assaulted in their lives, otherwise they wouldn't be so dismissive of your concerns. If he can't acknowledge that something like this makes you feel uncomfortable then he's being a dick. It doesn't matter how likely it is to happen. It's not such a big detour. Fucking Hell it's like MeToo never happened.

I've been raped twice.

I think the OP is being unreasonable.

Sarahcoggles · 10/07/2022 00:34

Ottersmith · 09/07/2022 23:03

Well it's great to hear that so many women here seem to have never been sexually assaulted in their lives, otherwise they wouldn't be so dismissive of your concerns. If he can't acknowledge that something like this makes you feel uncomfortable then he's being a dick. It doesn't matter how likely it is to happen. It's not such a big detour. Fucking Hell it's like MeToo never happened.

I was raped by a stranger when I was a teenager, walking into town to catch an early train, in broad daylight (it was summer). I've been in numerous taxis on my own and it has never entered my head to be worried.

marvellousmaple · 10/07/2022 01:12

Why don't you go home at 11 if you feel that would magically be safe? I feel sorry for your friend. You are using him as a token security guard.
And if you were harassed in the middle of the day in a shopping centre then why is a taxi at 11pm ok? You aren't making a lot of sense.