Taxi sharing with male friend

[Novasmum]

Looking for perspective over this situation.
For context mixed gender friendship group and myself are mid to late 20s and socialise on weekends by dinner then drinking in the town centre. I share a taxi home with 1/2 of my male friends as we live close. Taxi ride home is as such.

Same way until a roundabout.

Turn off 1 is 3 minutes away from male friends house
Turn off 2 is 5 minutes away from my house
Distance between is about 4 minutes.

Lately I have been requesting to be dropped off first which puts male friend slightly out of the way. But he has started complaining. I have explained after drinking I am uncomfortable being a woman alone in taxi and that it would be really appreciated and safer if I was dropped first. He does not understand this at all.

Do I need to grow up and accept him being dropped off first or is he being unreasonable in not understanding his privilege as a man not having to take his safety into consideration with things like this? Thank you

YANBU. I have a similar situation regularly where I'll share taxis home with two male friends (who are roommates). In terms of distance it's often 'six and half a dozen' who gets dropped off first, although we live about 5 minutes apart.

For me it's very noticeable that they never say 'well it's six and half a dozen so we'll drop you off first so you're not on your own'. I don't think it enters their head.

I'm not scared, as such. I get taxis by myself all the time. I walk home by myself all the time. But I am aware and if I can lower the risk - of rape, yes, but also just of being harassed or sleazed over or even just of having to be on guard - then for the sake of a few extra minutes journey time, why not do it.

With my female friends, it's the kind of thing we do naturally. In the same situation, I know it would occur to someone to insist on dropping the single friend off first.

It's not a dealbreaker for me. I'm still happy getting taxis with or without them. If it meant anything more than a few minutes extra on the journey, I would decline the offer if they did make it. I've never asked them to drop me off first.

But I always notice that they don't offer. I've had them look at me strangely when I've suggested we hold off calling our taxi until our single friend has got in hers. They just don't think of it the same way.

In your case, you've asked and you've told him why. I can't understand why he'd say no in those circumstances.

But you can be harassed or attacked anywhere at any time, as you yourself have realised. Are you just going to never leave the house? You are more likely to be in a road accident than be attacked, does that mean you never get into a car? It's sensible to take precautions but this level of anxiety and worry is no way to live. Uber is trackable so you can just share your ride live with a friend if you're worried... your friend can make allowances for you no doubt but I do think you have to find better ways to navigate the world - relying on a male companion isn't the best way. You might as well be in Saudi Arabia if you need a chaperone always to feel safe....

He’s being a dick. Any of my male friends would do this for me no questions asked.

You're being unreasonable to insist your male friend always goes home with you AND shares the difference of going the long route home. It's really not his responsibility and sounds quite suffocating.

If I were you I would find another way of feeling safe. Take a picture of the license plate as someone else said, or talk on the phone to a friend on your way home.

I hated being alone at home at night, so I got an alarm system and double locks on my doors and windows - I don't force a friend to stay with me every night so I can feel safe.

There is a difference between safety and anxiety.

He probably doesn't get you want to be dropped off first because he knows many other women who do get in taxis alone, at any time. So, instead of arguing this with him from the point of all women, why don't you just say avoiding being alone in a taxi is an extra precaution you take, then pay the difference? I think it's the painting it as all women should do this or they're naïve idiots is the bit that's causing you problems (on this thread and with your friend)

I do not understand the male friend‘s reluctance to be helpful in this small way. It is only a few minutes of his time. I would do this for any female friend, or even acquaintance, if it made her feel safer.

I suppose it‘s possible he is short of cash but does not want to ask for you to cover the difference, so I would echo the suggestion by several PPs that you offer to pay the cost difference. Something like "it would make me feel safer if you would do this, but I also don‘t want to feel that I am costing you money , so I would really appreciate it if you would let me get dropped off first and contribute an extra £X towards the taxi fare."

If he says no to that, then in my opinion he is being insensitive a dick.

Why not go out sober and drive yourself home? Safest and least anxiety inducing option I reckon.

Well it's great to hear that so many women here seem to have never been sexually assaulted in their lives, otherwise they wouldn't be so dismissive of your concerns

You would be incorrect. I just don't let it control my life.

Having been sexually assaulted by a taxi driver, my friends would 100% drop me first

Why should women have to arrange their whole lives around anxiety?

This is pretty much victim blaming, ‘oh if you’d not drunk alcohol you wouldn’t have been attacked/if you’d driven yourself and not got a taxi you wouldn’t have got attacked/if you’d not worn that skirt you wouldn’t have got attacked’

Whilst I agree it's a risk, I think the risk is incredibly small, and I think you should try to rationalise this and be OK with it. Nonetheless your fear is your fear and I would hope your friend would be kind enough to spend a few more mins for your peace of mind. It would sour a friendship for me if he wasn't prepared for this minor inconvenience

LoudingVoice 100% this

This.

Or you could live your life not being afraid of taxi drivers?

I've had more shit in life from friends, vicars, teachers and friends fathers than from taxi drivers. Taking taxis alone means I can live a merry life of travelling and going to fun places.

There are real things in the world to be scared of. If you start seeing murderers behind every door, your life becomes minimal and full of fear.

I'd say an Uber is quite safe. Nothing to be nervous about really as everything is logged. You know whit he car, driver is etc. no more risky than most things in life. I actually think there's more risk for a man being attacked/robbed than a woman being sexually assaulted.

What he says. Of course not everyone wants to do this. Don't justify it, it's your fear that is all

OP, I think you’re being slightly over-cautious. Yes, taxi drivers sometimes assault women but that’s true of all men. I wouldn’t fear being in a taxi because of it.

However your friend should have respected how you felt and not been a dick about it.

I understand how you feel. In this situation I would also want to be dropped off first.

I think you are both being a bit U.
He should be a bit more understanding about why you want to be dropped off first but you are also overly anxious.

It's sad that you would miss out because you won't go out without this friend.
Would you never go on a night out with just women friends? What if this male friend moved house?
I don't get what difference between 11pm and 4am makes. If women can't go anywhere without a make chaperone we might as well be in Afghanistan. I would never be able to go out because I go out with female friends and I'm single. Should I just never leave the house?

I'll be teaching my daughter to be safe and take sensible precautions but I'd hate her to feel that she can't go out or get on with life without a male protector.

Unfortunately someone I know in RL is very afraid of taxi drivers for a very good reason. It doesn't mean All Taxi Drivers are Predators, but it means she can't tell! I advise my DD re staying in twos and photographing the reg plate on the way in. I do this for a reason. If you have honestly never heard a reliable tale about a Dodgy as Fuck taxi driver, or the Worboys Taxi Rapist then I'm not sure where you have been for the last few years.

Photographing the reg plate and talking to your male friend on your phone from the point at which you drop him home until you are through your front door alone (use a code word if you are really worried about cab driver forcing himself into your house) should do the trick, no? Reassures you, gets everyone home quickest, puts no one out.
mare you equally scared of eg drink spiking in the clubs that you are in?

Nearest person should be dropped off first

When I was in uni I was the last of my friends to be dropped off I a taxi, he drove me.down an alley way and tried to attack me so you are being completely reasonable in my opinion.

You won’t be alone in a taxi at night?
can’t say you’re wrong to be cautious but I’ve never considered this
I get cabs home alone all the time at night

they probably think you’re being precious and the risk is low but not non existent

as long as you pay the extra for him being taken out of the way

I don't think refusing to ever be in a taxi alone is a good way to go about life. It means you are not independent.
Personally, I have been angry when people have decided to share taxis and then told me to get off before my home eg at the roundabout or on the main road because if I wanted to walk part of the way home, I could have walked or taken the bus. The whole point of a taxi for me was safety, but men don't get this. I was also chucked out like this once when I had hurt my ankle.