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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because of DH’s insomnia we don’t flush our toilets at night plus other accommodations, AIBU?

134 replies

Somersetweelassie · 09/07/2022 00:12

I’m trying not to drip feed here but have name changed. AIBU?

Dh has insomnia, probably partly caused by stress. Some is down to one of our children - who is now an adult and has left home - really being a challenge and some was down to a stressful job, which he’s now left. he isn’t working atm.

As a result of the insomnia we sleep in separate rooms, which is fine by both of us. To help him sleep he has ear plugs, complete blackout curtains and a weighted blanket.

Because the water tank for our house is above his room and because it gurgles for ages after a shower is used or a loo is flushed we don’t shower after 9pm (sometimes tricky with nocturnal teens but we manage) and we don’t flush loos at night.

We are away, staying in a huge house and the water tank is not above his room.

The bathroom next to my bedroom which is the next floor down, will be used in the night and he’s asked me not to flush the loo. I’m irritated, AIBU?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/07/2022 09:48

Why 9pm when he’s insomniac and isn’t working? Surely he’s not going to bed that early?

loislovesstewie · 09/07/2022 09:48

@BiasedBinding , sorry, but I can always smell wee if the toilet isn't flushed. It smells like it's decomposing. FWIW, I was born in a house where we had no flushing toilet but an earth closet out the back, and I think it has made me more sensitive to the stench of urine.

BiasedBinding · 09/07/2022 09:53

if it’s “festering” or smells like it’s decomposing after such a short time without being flushed then maybe your household needs to drink more fluids?

BiasedBinding · 09/07/2022 09:55

i lived with an earth loo for a couple of years and it didn’t smell much at all

HoppingPavlova · 09/07/2022 10:04

It’s fine to not flush until the morning. Surely if you know your husband has insomnia you won’t mind not doing it?

But this is from 9pm! We’d have a third of our household not even back in for the night by then. Between 9pm and 11pm there would probably be 12 adult wee’s in the toilet between people getting in, going to the toilet and some prepping for bed. Add in the people who go to bed after 11pm and go to the toilet before bed (as normal people do) and now you have 15-16 adult wee’s sitting there before the first person gets up around 6am and flushes. A PP said a stench would indicate a medical problem and people just need to drink more water but I disagree. In what toilet does 16 adult wee’s sitting for 9hrs not start to stink?

Rosessmelllike · 09/07/2022 10:26

I don't flush at night. I also don't flush before the end of the working day (1s) because it's only me here daytime & would be a giant waste of water

loislovesstewie · 09/07/2022 10:26

My loo doesn't make much noise when flushing either, perhaps the issue is with the loo if it's that noisy? And what about washing hands after using? Does that cause issues too?

EarringsandLipstick · 09/07/2022 10:28

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 02:57

So he isn't working and all of you are creeping around to not have him lose sleep. I'm the insomniac in the family and i think this is barking.

Is he typically controlling,, expecting everyone to bend to his will?

That's what I thought.

SirenSays · 09/07/2022 10:30

I have awful insomnia and I still say you should flush if you want to!
I stayed with friends who had this no flush rule at night and honestly it's put me off for life. A grilling every time I flushed and a loo full of stinky man piss every morning 🤢🤮

FishfingerFlinger · 09/07/2022 10:32

I think this is a symptom of a wider resentment, because not flushing the loo at night is a perfectly normal thing that many people do to avoid disturbing people sleeping.

insomnia is awful and it is easy to get A bit obsessive/anxious about it - worrying about waking up and not being able to get back to sleep can make the hole thing worse. So it might not be totally rational but knowing there’s no chance he’ll get woken by a flushing toilet may make it easier for him to sleep better.

Potstip · 09/07/2022 10:36

I'm a bit puzzled by this set up. So DH was stressed by DC who has now left and by his job, but he no longer works. But you're not allowed to shower or flush the loo after 9pm due to insomnia caused by stress? This sounds nuts, no wonder you're pissed off.

Aquilegia23 · 09/07/2022 10:39

We live in a flat and we don't flush at night, it would wake up other residents.

cottagegardenflower · 09/07/2022 10:42

We never flush at night.

Reallybadidea · 09/07/2022 10:43

9pm is really early to turn in for the night on a regular basis. Presumably it's because he's tired because insomnia and it takes ages to get to sleep? But maybe he needs to actually stay up later to try and reset his body clock and also to try and allow the family to live a bit more normally.

Both my parents have had varying levels of insomnia for many years and when I lived at home I wasn't allowed to stay out late (even in my 20s!), wasn't allowed to flush the toilet etc. It was pretty frustrating, especially as they didn't really do much to help themselves - drinking strong coffee in the evening, dozing on the sofa before going to bed. Hopefully your husband isn't like this!

BTW have you looked at noise cancelling earbuds for sleep? They're pretty good!

devonianBiatch · 09/07/2022 10:58

I am very similar to your OH and I sleep with ear plugs, a black out mash and a weighted blanket. But I also have a white noise machine and it's been revolutionary for blocking out background noise. A fan will also work really well. As for the ear plugs, the best ones I've found by a country mile are the £15 silicone ones from Amazon. A box last around a month and I swear by them. I'll attach a photo.

As for your AIBU. Absolutely not. I don't ask my family to make any accommodations for me other than my teens being told they aren't allowed to cook in the oven after 9 pm. Only took one forgotten pizza and I woke up to a smoke filled house and fire alarms screeching. Took me weeks to get back to sleep after that .

Because of DH’s insomnia we don’t flush our toilets at night plus other accommodations, AIBU?
Original poster
Somersetweelassie · 09/07/2022 12:04

Potstip · 09/07/2022 10:36

I'm a bit puzzled by this set up. So DH was stressed by DC who has now left and by his job, but he no longer works. But you're not allowed to shower or flush the loo after 9pm due to insomnia caused by stress? This sounds nuts, no wonder you're pissed off.

Thank you for all these posts, it’s very helpful.

I think at the root of this is probably that he has anxiety which he refuses to acknowledge or address. The insomnia is linked to this. I have said for a while, to him, that insomnia is a symptom not the cause and I still think this

He has given up caffeine, exercises daily and was taking ofer the counter sleeping tablets but stopped them about 3 months ago now

i don’t mind him not working- I’m working but that’s what we agreed and we can live on my pay

he’s not controlling or abusive but I think I’ve probably been resentful about the insomnia for a while as it does curtail our lives a bit for eg we don’t go away much because he worries that he won’t sleep. Plus the not after 9pm thing

i think IABU and I won’t flush tonight!

OP posts:
IdiotCreatures · 09/07/2022 12:12

He should talk to his GP who would probably refer him for a sleep study. They might not find anything but they can then refer him on for CBT-I, which would work with him to break the cycle and give him lots of ideas on how to combat the insomnia.
Also his GP would probably provide him with other sleeping tablets while he was waiting to be seen/on the waiting list for CBT-I.
But he needs to stay up later. If I go to sleep at 9pm I wake up at three or four am and then can't sleep any more. If I got to sleep between 11 and 12 pm I normally sleep through until at least six am if not later.
I also use medication every night to help me get to sleep.

SimonaRazowska · 09/07/2022 12:14

Gosh it sounds like he has made his insomnia a massive stick to beat you all with

How boring

RichardMarxisinnocent · 09/07/2022 12:17

Rosessmelllike · 09/07/2022 10:26

I don't flush at night. I also don't flush before the end of the working day (1s) because it's only me here daytime & would be a giant waste of water

What about all the toilet paper which you've put down the loo during the course of the day? I'd be worried about there being too much and it blocking the loo when you do flush it.

DotBall · 09/07/2022 12:17

Medication for anxiety can also aid sleep.
Magnesium tablets are also really useful - if he’s deficient (most people in the uk are due to modern clean farming practices) then these can REALLY help.

FogoInn · 09/07/2022 12:25

I think at the root of this is probably that he has anxiety which he refuses to acknowledge or address. The insomnia is linked to this. I have said for a while, to him, that insomnia is a symptom not the cause and I still think this

This is so true @Somersetweelassie
Anxiety snd stress disorders cause people's bodies to be on high alert all the time, in that fight of flight mode. It's exhausting because their brain never switches off, becomes very sensitive to noise etc. That's what causes the insomnia.

He needs to start to recognise this and seek some help. Therapy and meds could help him a lot. I expect the issue is he finds it more acceptable to admit he has insomnia rather than an anxiety disorder or depression. But even if you can persuade him to see his GP about the insomnia they will pick up the root cause. He will probably get a questionnaire to complete.

And whilst I would keep noise levels down overnight 9pm is too early for an adult to be going to bed, particularly if they don't sleep well.

Good luck to you and your DHFlowers

Original poster
Somersetweelassie · 09/07/2022 12:39

Thank you everyone. Btw he doesn’t go to bed at 9, more like 10 but the tank gurgles for ages after the shower is turned off hence 9pm shower cut off

i agree he needs to see someone, my adult DC agree too. However, you can lead a horse to water…

i will be a bit more sympathetic i think re night flushing but will keep plugging away re the anxiety and getting some help, so true about it being easier to say “i can’t sleep than “I’ve got anxiety”

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/07/2022 12:42

Amyltriptaline might help, really helped my Dh after he stopped sleeping altogether,it was awful. He needs to see his GP. He can be on it long term too as it's not the same as traditional sleepers. Takes a while to kick in but DH gets a solid 7 hours now .

Subbaxeo · 09/07/2022 12:45

I’d hate to use a loo with leftover wee in it-we flush even if it makes a sound as it’s better than the alternative! But judging by the post, most people don’t agree. What’s worseOP?

Reallybadidea · 09/07/2022 12:52

I honestly think that if you want him to seek help then you need to stop giving in to unreasonable demands which allow him to make it your problem rather than him face it. I appreciate that's easier said than done though.