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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because of DH’s insomnia we don’t flush our toilets at night plus other accommodations, AIBU?

134 replies

Somersetweelassie · 09/07/2022 00:12

I’m trying not to drip feed here but have name changed. AIBU?

Dh has insomnia, probably partly caused by stress. Some is down to one of our children - who is now an adult and has left home - really being a challenge and some was down to a stressful job, which he’s now left. he isn’t working atm.

As a result of the insomnia we sleep in separate rooms, which is fine by both of us. To help him sleep he has ear plugs, complete blackout curtains and a weighted blanket.

Because the water tank for our house is above his room and because it gurgles for ages after a shower is used or a loo is flushed we don’t shower after 9pm (sometimes tricky with nocturnal teens but we manage) and we don’t flush loos at night.

We are away, staying in a huge house and the water tank is not above his room.

The bathroom next to my bedroom which is the next floor down, will be used in the night and he’s asked me not to flush the loo. I’m irritated, AIBU?

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 09/07/2022 06:11

I have bad insomnia and a flushing loo would not make a blind bit of difference to me. We don’t have a no flushing at night rule in my house, but I don’t think it is that unusual a request, some tanks are very noisy!

I think showering at night is inconsiderate, but 9pm is very early for the no shower rule, surely he is not going to bed that early.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 09/07/2022 06:19

But why is he sleeping near the bathroom? Can't you swap bedrooms, he is being a bit unreasonable expecting everyone to tiptoe around him.

Herejustforthisone · 09/07/2022 06:26

I think you sound (possibly understandably) resentful of lots of other things going on and you’re focusing on the flushing thing.

Has he sought help for the insomnia?

Are you working? Is he planning on working again?

Nugg · 09/07/2022 06:39

I live alone most of the time and don't flush a pee every time. Waste of water.

ChickenOfTheSea · 09/07/2022 06:44

YABU. Insomnia is horrendous, you can live without flushing your wee at night. Lack of sleep is far more irritating than having to leave it unflushed.

loislovesstewie · 09/07/2022 06:49

People learn to get back to sleep, that was really the point I was making;unless one lives in the back of beyond, we are constantly subjected to noise from inside or outside the house. We learn that if we wake up, we settle back to sleep , if a perfectly normal noise wakes him then he really needs to address that, not have the rest of the household creeping around like mice. I learnt to sleep through my upstairs neighbour playing Black Sabbath at full volume! Asking him to turn it down was pointless!

KangarooKenny · 09/07/2022 06:51

He sounds controlling.
But we only flush for a poo at night.

waveyourpompoms · 09/07/2022 06:56

Of course YABU. Why would you flush? It’s not necessary and causes him issues to sleep.

SweetSakura · 09/07/2022 06:59

Is he seeking medical help for his insomnia?

I think not flushing etc is reasonable. But the cut off of 9pm seems very early

Pollydonia · 09/07/2022 07:00

I dont flush for a wee overnight as it wakes the dogs then they try to get into our room, noisily.
But your husband is asking for an accommodation that is not currently needed, so I can see why you are irritated.

RudsyFarmer · 09/07/2022 07:02

Not flushing the toilet at night is normal.

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 09/07/2022 07:16

Number 2 - then flush the loo…
number 1 - can stay all night long!

Thatsplentyjack · 09/07/2022 07:27

Insomnia is awful. I had it during my last pregnancy. If someone had been waking me up with unnecessary things like flushing toilets I would have be raging.
If you can manage to not flush at home why can't you do it while you're away?

WonderingWanda · 09/07/2022 07:28

I wouldn't flush the ensuite in our bedroom at night if I just got for a wee because of noise and I can see that a noisy water tank would be annoying if you are light sleeper. However I can see why this holiday request has pissed you off a bit and isn't based on anything other than your husbands anxiety over sleep. Why on earth is he going to bed at 9pm when he doesn't work and is expecting to be tired enough to sleep. It sounds like his insomnia is affecting your lives quite a bit and he could do with getting some medical help with it. Does he take sleeping pills?

Badger1970 · 09/07/2022 07:28

So after 9pm, no one can make any noise?

He's trained you all really well Confused

Thatsplentyjack · 09/07/2022 07:29

KangarooKenny · 09/07/2022 06:51

He sounds controlling.
But we only flush for a poo at night.

Oh ffs, from that one thing you've decided the guy is controlling.

Hardbackwriter · 09/07/2022 07:35

I was a firm believer, when the kids were small, of just getting them used to sleeping through noise, and surely he needs to do that?

I'm always quite sceptical of people who say this - I think they mean that they had kids who did sleep through noise and then they congratulated themselves for this. How many nights in a row would you have soothed a crying baby back to sleep because they woke up at the toilet flush in the name of getting them used to it?

I have a lot of sympathy for OP's husband. It sounds like he's become very anxious about sleep, which is common with insomnia. I think he feels that he 'needs' to know he won't be woken by the toilet in order to relax enough to sleep at all. I would accommodate, and just be glad I wasn't the one with insomnia because it's so horrible.

KangarooKenny · 09/07/2022 07:39

Thatsplentyjack · 09/07/2022 07:29

Oh ffs, from that one thing you've decided the guy is controlling.

Show quote history

Yes. And I can decide whatever I want to.

bloomtoperish · 09/07/2022 07:41

I'm very noise sensitive and go through periods of insomnia. Having a white noise machine has made a massive difference. Unless you live on your own in the middle of nowhere you can't expect everything to be silent. Even then, birds are noisy!

WarrenGRegulate · 09/07/2022 07:47

Go on flush it, I bet he won’t even notice 🙊

Meraas · 09/07/2022 07:47

YANBU. He should do a test run i.el ask you to flush when it’s super quiet to see if he can hear anything.

Otherwise it just sounds like he’s being pedantic.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 09/07/2022 07:51

Tippexy · 09/07/2022 02:50

Not flushing the toilet after you’ve been is absolutely grim. 🤢

Of course it's not, don't ridiculous, as this thread shows it's perfectly normal for people who are considerate to others. Although I am surprised at how many pare pooing during the night

I don't see the issue

greenbirdsong · 09/07/2022 07:52

We also don't flush at night if it's just a wee.

stuntbubbles · 09/07/2022 07:56

We don’t flush for wees at night, just poo. Tried to get DP on board with not flushing for daytime wees and he’s having none of it.

Wouldn’t care about the shower as we’re a morning shower crowd, but accept that if you’re not, 9pm is a silly cut-off.

I’m the chronic insomniac in the family. Tbh if his is to do with stress and anxiety, the shower noise, flush and water gurgle isn’t really the issue: he’s using that as something he can control, presumably because he can’t control XYZ issue. Flush with abandon!

luxxlisbon · 09/07/2022 07:56

It seems like a pretty small ask all things considered they could massively help your husband. I think there’s clearly more going on for this to irritate you so much.