To lie about an inheritance

[PhryneFisher]

A relative of mine died recently and it turns out she was worth quite a lot of money. My aunt is the executor of the will and has told me that she left me some money. They are trying to work out the details but it’s a decent amount (in the sort of £50k bracket).
I personally have never had this much money in my life and am unlikely to again so I want to make sure it’s not wasted. I’m on a relatively low income.
However there are things like a hole in my roof and a cracked window from where it slammed shut in a storm that I haven’t been able to get replaced/repaired because I couldn’t afford it, that sort of thing. Nothing flash but things that could make my life a bit better. So I was thinking of putting at least half away for the future and pretend it’s not there and spending some of the rest but not all.

My issue is my OH spends money like water. He is from a much better off background than me. But he doesn’t appreciate the value of money and as such, never has any.
He inherited £125,000 ten years ago and blew the lot in six months on a new car, holidays, gadgets, tickets. We made a few joint decisions and did some home improvements but most of it went on stuff he decided we needed, but didn’t.
He didn’t save one penny of it.
No-one will lend him money any more because he doesn’t pay it back and we (well, I) manage our finances completely separately.

This money has been left specifically to me and is going into my bank account that he can’t access (because that way I can control the spending from it).

But if I get the work done he will know I have some and he will constantly come up with things we “need” or show me the latest version of something we already have that doesn’t need replacing.

So, am I wrong to lie about the amount, tell him it’s £10,000 and enough to get the roof fixed? I will get the roof fixed anyway, I’m not asking his permission. Either way he won’t have access to it but if he doesn’t know how much I actually have, he can’t make it into an issue.

Before anyone points out the obvious, no, it’s not the most stable relationship on the planet, and we are working on that but the chances of us going the distance are 50/50 at best. So there’s also the element of if we did split up, and I hadn’t told him the true amount he would probably be entitled to half anyway, which isn’t ideal.

What would you do?

I don't know if your married to this man or not. If your married he may have a claim on this money. You have told us that your trying to make this relationship work. You have also told us that in the past your oh got £125,000 of an inheritance and blew it within 6 months.
You know that if he finds out that your going to get £50,000 and possibly more he will expect you to pay for all the things he now wants. In other words your going to be left with none of this money.

He has already shown you that he is not financially responsible and that he is known for this.
The money he blew could have been a large house deposit or put a good dent in paying off a mortgage. That money could have been put towards a holiday, home improvements, savings, investments or into a pension. It could have improved your and his life in any number of ways both then and in the future.

My advice is that you end things with him and use this inheritance to move your own life forward. He has already shown you his true colours regarding money.

The reality is that as an adult you have to learn to manage money. You can't keep buying things and spending needlessly. You have to have some savings for a rainy day that you can access and some money aside in longer term savings including a pension. This is especially true in the case of your oh who got a large lump sum. He should be in a good long term position unlike most people who can't put money aside due to the current cost of living.
Your house roof and windows should have been fixed via the lump sum he got.

A few years ago one of my friend's came into some money and they kept quiet about it for various reasons. They knew that certain family members would have expected some of this money. These same family members left my friend struggling with various things over the years when they could have helped and made my friends life easier. My friend decided that then that had to think about their own life both then and in the future. Even now my friend is working towards changing their current set up because they don't want to be as available for certain people in the future.

You expecting to get £50,000 plus so you need to consider you current situation and what you want for yourself long term. I think that this money could be used to leave your oh. Long term you don't want to be struggling for money because he spends to much or trying to live on a state pension because you let him spend this lump sum.

I didn’t “happily spend it”. I didn’t know how much he had until he had spent it and I had to take over his finances because he couldn’t manage them.
I knew it was a lot, but not that much.

Honestly. Leave him now. I had a spendthrift. It just gets worse.

How did you not know how much he had?
It would just be odd not to ask… so did he lie?

Because he's a hoarder?

Because he's a spender and I'm a saver?

Because we've been happily married for 40 years?

Because we keep our money separate by agreement?

I can't see why any of them are a good reason to end a happy marriage. Think of the women on here who have husbands who are unfaithful, women who are subject to domestic violence, women who have no money and stay in marriages but you'd walk away from a 40 year happy marriage for what?

Honestly, I couldn’t live with a hoarder, it would drive me nuts. My problem I suppose. Also I couldn’t live with the financial separation you have. We share a life together and plan and budget accordingly. That’s me, you are evidently happy with that but I wouldn’t be. 🤷‍♀️

I understand all of that. It's difficult.

In any marriage or relationships there has to be some give and take. I have my boundaries, you wouldn't know he was a hoarder if you came into my house unless you decided to inspect the shed/loft/garage/his office. I leave those places to him. Hoarding is a mental health condition, I didn't move out when he became physically disabled so why would I be less supportive of his mental health?

I couldn't live with all my financial decisions being shared, if he wants to splurge on something he values and I don't as long as he has the money where's the problem and the same in reverse. We have equal money, we both contribute to the bills in proportion to our income (his pension is better than mine) and what's left is ours. I'm a grown up so like that independence.

It's worked for 40 years and if it ain't broke don't fix is a good saying to live by.

@butterflied thank you. It can be hard but to be honest I sat in a Consultant's office with a ten day old baby on my lap when he was told his injuries were never going to get better, would probably get much worse and I've spent the last 30 years coping with fall out, bringing up the baby and the toddler who was with gran so not much defeats me.

It was DH who was disabled due to an injury, not the 10 day old baby. That sounded a bit confusing.

So he didn’t tell you he had £125k

uou don’t need to tell him you have £50k

i think @KittyKittyKat suggestion of aunt offering fo pay for roof is a good one

See this from OP's first post.

Quite clearly it was squandered - by him.

He inherited £125,000 ten years ago and blew the lot in six months on a new car, holidays, gadgets, tickets. We made a few joint decisions and did some home improvements but most of it went on stuff he decided we needed, but didn’t.