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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie about an inheritance

162 replies

PhryneFisher · 07/07/2022 06:57

A relative of mine died recently and it turns out she was worth quite a lot of money. My aunt is the executor of the will and has told me that she left me some money. They are trying to work out the details but it’s a decent amount (in the sort of £50k bracket).
I personally have never had this much money in my life and am unlikely to again so I want to make sure it’s not wasted. I’m on a relatively low income.
However there are things like a hole in my roof and a cracked window from where it slammed shut in a storm that I haven’t been able to get replaced/repaired because I couldn’t afford it, that sort of thing. Nothing flash but things that could make my life a bit better. So I was thinking of putting at least half away for the future and pretend it’s not there and spending some of the rest but not all.

My issue is my OH spends money like water. He is from a much better off background than me. But he doesn’t appreciate the value of money and as such, never has any.
He inherited £125,000 ten years ago and blew the lot in six months on a new car, holidays, gadgets, tickets. We made a few joint decisions and did some home improvements but most of it went on stuff he decided we needed, but didn’t.
He didn’t save one penny of it.
No-one will lend him money any more because he doesn’t pay it back and we (well, I) manage our finances completely separately.

This money has been left specifically to me and is going into my bank account that he can’t access (because that way I can control the spending from it).

But if I get the work done he will know I have some and he will constantly come up with things we “need” or show me the latest version of something we already have that doesn’t need replacing.

So, am I wrong to lie about the amount, tell him it’s £10,000 and enough to get the roof fixed? I will get the roof fixed anyway, I’m not asking his permission. Either way he won’t have access to it but if he doesn’t know how much I actually have, he can’t make it into an issue.

Before anyone points out the obvious, no, it’s not the most stable relationship on the planet, and we are working on that but the chances of us going the distance are 50/50 at best. So there’s also the element of if we did split up, and I hadn’t told him the true amount he would probably be entitled to half anyway, which isn’t ideal.

What would you do?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 07/07/2022 09:02

Ah i've just seen. It would be around 10k to sort the roof. Then there's a neat little sum that should account for any repairs and leave it at that. In fact avoid all inheritance discussions with him at all costs. Just be distracted and non-committal when asked. You say yourself you didn't think aunt was worth much or that you'd even inherit anything!

30mph · 07/07/2022 09:06

Are you married..? If not, who owns the house? I really think you should seriously consider that this may be the best time to move on. Squandering £125k with no inclination to invest in your partnership or security is appalling.

SoupDragon · 07/07/2022 09:07

I absolutely wouldn't tell him the amount.

i assume the house is yours alone and not his?

ThinWomansBrain · 07/07/2022 09:10

money spent on a divorce lawyer would seem your best investment

butterflied · 07/07/2022 09:11

Huntswomanonthemove · 07/07/2022 09:01

Wow, do you really live like that?

Show quote history

That's not at all surprising if she lives with a hoarder. I would do the same.

BuffyFanForever · 07/07/2022 09:14

Absolutely do what you suggest. It is for the benefit of the household (including him) for you to helpfully repair what needs doing. For him to have wasted that amount of money (enough to buy a house in some places!!) is shocking so clearly you sorting the household finances is just sensible. Some people are just better with sensible spending and money management than others.

RoyalMiss · 07/07/2022 09:15

Tell him you have been left a bit of cash by Auntie, and does he fancy going halves with you to pay for the roof??

BalloonsAndWhistles · 07/07/2022 09:17

I’ve never said yes to this on MN before but if your side of the story stands up then, yes, you should go for it. You’re only being a bit economical with the truth and he’ll be getting the benefit of the roof anyway. If your relationship is unlikely to last then you’ll need that money.

Viviennemary · 07/07/2022 09:18

AFAIK inheritance forms part of a divorce settlement in English law but not in Scottish law

AppleIsMyName · 07/07/2022 09:19

OP, I wouldn't even tell him 10K. Brilliant idea.

HannahSternDefoe · 07/07/2022 09:25

If you're not married, I wouldn't tell him and I'd go now.
You don't want to give him a sniff of the money.
Either he buys you out of the house, or it gets sold.
Start again without this useless man.
If you're married, do you want to take the 50-50 odds? Or do you want to go and keep your inheritance? You could ask the executors to slow things a bit to give you some breathing space.
Flowers
Do the right thing for you.

Sirius3030 · 07/07/2022 09:26

Penguintears · 07/07/2022 08:24

Honestly, if you're at the stage in your relationship that you're willing to lie to him about something as big as this then I think you should use the money to leave him and set up on your own.

Personally I wouldn't be lying to my partner or hiding stuff from him. I would tell him the truth but say that you don't trust him with the money because of how he wasted his inheritance. Just be honest. But sounds like the relationship is dead anyway. Move on and spend the money how you want to.

Exactly what I was about to write. It is not reasonable to lie to your partner. If you feel you have to do that he shouldn’t be your partner.

ClemmyTine · 07/07/2022 09:29

A very sensible plan. Just make sure he does not get suspicious and try to see your bank account status.

Adversity · 07/07/2022 09:35

Do not tell him and open a completely new account for it to go in.

Mix56 · 07/07/2022 09:36

You tell him you got X (false) ammount & are spending it on repairing the house. If he doesnt like it, you say he wasted his own inheritance, this is yours

Rosehugger · 07/07/2022 09:38

Absolutely do not tell him. It's not his money and never will be provided you aren't daft enough to marry him. Attitude to money, tidiness and children are some of the absolutely key things in a relationship that you have to be aligned on to survive long term. I'd advise kicking him into touch asap.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 07/07/2022 09:39

bishbashboshhhhh · 07/07/2022 07:30

If it’s not a stable relationship before investing in this house consider if this inheritance could give you the chance to get rid of him! And start a fresh

This. I couldn't be with someone so cavalier about money and his attitude towards a £125K inheritance!

I know how easy it is to spend inheritances but he just sounds entitled.

KosherDill · 07/07/2022 09:40

30mph · 07/07/2022 09:06

Are you married..? If not, who owns the house? I really think you should seriously consider that this may be the best time to move on. Squandering £125k with no inclination to invest in your partnership or security is appalling.

This!

So selfish and imprudent.

Blackbird2020 · 07/07/2022 09:43

As others have said, now that you are seriously considering lying to your partner about a large inheritance, just because you don’t share the same attitude to money, it’s a pretty good sign that your relationship is unsalvageable.

Don’t lie. To be extremely blunt, lying to him will just be adding to the pile of crap that is already in your marriage.

Use the money to see a divorce lawyer to get accurate legal advice on how to protect your inheritance, then make your decision on the marriage.

Hoolahoophop · 07/07/2022 09:43

If you are married I believe inheritance left to one person is typically ring fenced in any settlement as long as it's kept separate

I didn't know this. My DH has an inheritance in a trust fund. He's not touched it as it's there for our retirement. It's a very significant amount. All my money is earned, I have savings of a similar amount to DH inheritance that we were planning to use on a new house and I paid off the mortgage on our current one. Also most bills come from my account. This is fine as we have always considered our money as our money. So we spend what I'm earning. His trust will be our retirement. But if we divorced would I end up splitting all our joint assets, all my earned money but get none of his trust while he keeps that and gets half our joint assets which have mostly been provided by me?

Sorry to hijack op

Parky04 · 07/07/2022 09:44

A relationship is built upon trust, if you have to lie, what is the point of the relationship?

spotcheck · 07/07/2022 09:47

OP
Patch the roof if you must to get it to a sellable condition.
Then I would use some of it to retrain if you can to increase your earning potential.
Protect your future- he certainly won’t

5zeds · 07/07/2022 09:47

Put it straight into the mortgage and save the reduction in repayments. Have quotes don’t for the window it’s likely MUCH less than you think.

Phobiaphobic · 07/07/2022 09:48

I don't think I could live with someone who squandered £125k on shit you didn't need.

KosherDill · 07/07/2022 09:48

Hoolahoophop · 07/07/2022 09:43

If you are married I believe inheritance left to one person is typically ring fenced in any settlement as long as it's kept separate

I didn't know this. My DH has an inheritance in a trust fund. He's not touched it as it's there for our retirement. It's a very significant amount. All my money is earned, I have savings of a similar amount to DH inheritance that we were planning to use on a new house and I paid off the mortgage on our current one. Also most bills come from my account. This is fine as we have always considered our money as our money. So we spend what I'm earning. His trust will be our retirement. But if we divorced would I end up splitting all our joint assets, all my earned money but get none of his trust while he keeps that and gets half our joint assets which have mostly been provided by me?

Sorry to hijack op

I think that yes, that could be the outcome.