To lie about an inheritance

[PhryneFisher]

A relative of mine died recently and it turns out she was worth quite a lot of money. My aunt is the executor of the will and has told me that she left me some money. They are trying to work out the details but it’s a decent amount (in the sort of £50k bracket).
I personally have never had this much money in my life and am unlikely to again so I want to make sure it’s not wasted. I’m on a relatively low income.
However there are things like a hole in my roof and a cracked window from where it slammed shut in a storm that I haven’t been able to get replaced/repaired because I couldn’t afford it, that sort of thing. Nothing flash but things that could make my life a bit better. So I was thinking of putting at least half away for the future and pretend it’s not there and spending some of the rest but not all.

My issue is my OH spends money like water. He is from a much better off background than me. But he doesn’t appreciate the value of money and as such, never has any.
He inherited £125,000 ten years ago and blew the lot in six months on a new car, holidays, gadgets, tickets. We made a few joint decisions and did some home improvements but most of it went on stuff he decided we needed, but didn’t.
He didn’t save one penny of it.
No-one will lend him money any more because he doesn’t pay it back and we (well, I) manage our finances completely separately.

This money has been left specifically to me and is going into my bank account that he can’t access (because that way I can control the spending from it).

But if I get the work done he will know I have some and he will constantly come up with things we “need” or show me the latest version of something we already have that doesn’t need replacing.

So, am I wrong to lie about the amount, tell him it’s £10,000 and enough to get the roof fixed? I will get the roof fixed anyway, I’m not asking his permission. Either way he won’t have access to it but if he doesn’t know how much I actually have, he can’t make it into an issue.

Before anyone points out the obvious, no, it’s not the most stable relationship on the planet, and we are working on that but the chances of us going the distance are 50/50 at best. So there’s also the element of if we did split up, and I hadn’t told him the true amount he would probably be entitled to half anyway, which isn’t ideal.

What would you do?

i think youve got problems anyway if your partner spends 125k in 6 months on nothing substantial that wo9uld clear my mortgage-is he not bothered by that

I think this is an opportunity for you to assess the relationship. You can break free, go back to college, do something for yourself.

don’t tell him anything. Good luck.

I agree with this. I couldn’t be with a man who squandered £125k.

Well maybe I could if we were multi millionaires for whom this was peanuts, who knows?

But the Op is on a low income, has never had £50k and probably won’t ever again. So for her £50k is life changing.

@PhryneFisher please use the money to get out of your relationship, you have fundamental differences that are irreconcilable. Also you don’t trust him ( with good reason) .

Yes, happily for 40 years.

a) if you're always worried about how he is risking (rather than building towards) your joint future, then it's over. Trust's gone

b) Don't tell him about the money; put it in a new account he doesn't even know about; lie like a rug and say you got a loan to pay for the repairs. In fact I suppose you could even GET a loan and then surreptitiously cancel it within the cooling-off period, though that sounds like more trouble than it's worth TBH!

The hoarding is the big issue. We have enough money and it isn't an issue, we don't live a lavish lifestyle, it isn't us, but I do long for a house that isn't crammed iwth stuff. I do have very strict boundaries and his "hoard" is in the garage/shed/loft/his "office" and a storage unit but his attitude of never getting rid of things still impinges on life to some extent.

One horrible effect of hoarding is that if I think of him dying, he's a few years older than me and disabled so likely he will go first, my immediate thought is I will have to sort it all out. That is much sadder than worrying about how much money we each have in the bank.

That’s quite a simple one. You tell him that your auntie got an inheritance and has offered to pay for your new roof. She’s even given you a couple of companies to contact for quotes!!!

Tell your auntie what you’re doing.

I wouldn’t put the balance in your usual account. Open up an entirely different account that he knows nothing about. Preserve your savings and if challenged it has never even been part of your assets in the only account he knows about!!

Are you married to him?

@KittyKittyKat great suggestion

I think whether you are married or not, you should tell him if you are trying to make a go of it. Keeping it secret will just be proof you shouldn't bother being together anymore. You can easily say the word no when he asks for stuff. Just because he asks doesn't mean he gets it. My partner asks if we can get a bigger tv often, I say no because our one works and it's big enough. Very easy to say no.

But being married or not is your biggest issue. If you aren't, you're fine and won't have to share most likely. If you are, you may as well tell him, you're sharing if you split.

What? No this isn’t true unless there are specific circumstances such as inherited before marriage combined with a very short marriage

the op has to declare this inheritance on financial disclosure forms if she divorces even if she and DH agree not to split it. It is a joint asset. If she tries to hide it that becomes a criminal offence and the courts don’t take kindly to it. The fan dial settlement they would end up with is not necessarily 50:50 as people think. There are around 10 criteria that courts use to determine “fair settlement” (the inheritance exceptions are one of these) before the 50:50 presumption kicks in

i agree with previous poster. If OP is even contemplating divorce as 50:50 the marriage is over. She should get out now and at least legally seperate before she inherits as she’ll need the money after divorce.

I don’t know why people think you can hide or avoid splitting assets in marriage. You can’t. You’ll just waste time, stress and a huge amount of money bury8ng your head in the sand and pretending you can hang on to everything you think you deserve. It doesn’t work like that. It is about what the courts consider “fair” to ensure you are both set up for the future.

I wouldn't tell him a thing.
I would keep the inheritance from him entirely - or say it's only a few thousand, just enough to patch the roof etc. and buy a nice dinner - and make sure that it stays in your own account.
Under no circumstances would I let him know I had so much - you're absolutely right, he wouldn't be happy until he'd spent it all, and then you'd probably split up anyway and you'd have nothing left.

As others have said - it makes a difference whether or not you're actually married as to whether he's even got any chance of getting his hands on any of the money - chances are that he hasn't.

If the money is left to you specifically - and he has not asked about it - then technically you are not lying.

But, in general, its best to have a policy of always telling the truth, or else you will always find an excuse to lie (or to have secrets).

How will you explain using any of it, if kept a secret?

How would you feel, if he kept something like this from you?

Indeed, you say when he inherited money he didnt keep it a secret and you had input on spending some of it for joint purposes. Does he not deserve the same from you?

Why not save or spend some of it for you, but include him on how to use another portion of it?

You say you are "working on your relationship" - is that really the case, if there are secrets about money etc?

I see the mumsnet standard of being immediately advised to leave your partner - regardless of topic or circumstances - holds true on this thread lol.

absolutely lie about it, given his track record.

it’s not like you’re keeping it from him for underhand reasons, he’s just a child w money

My friends husband inherited a seven figure sum. When they divorced the judge wouldn't include it. You fix the roof and put the rest away

I wouldn't tell him, no.

I couldn’t stay in a relationship like you described. I would keep completely quiet about the cash for now and put it somewhere safe where he can’t see it or see if the executors can be slow in paying you.

I would get legal advice about separating and only declare the cash if you have too. It sounds like your relationship is over don’t waste any more time on it. He isn’t going to change or grow up.

I don’t think this is always the case. Get legal advice before you bank on it, at least.

There’s precedent when there’s millions involved and everyone can make a good living without it. If not, it’s less clear. I would be very careful. If you are married, it’s already too late, it’s your asset and is in the pot even if you don’t have it yet. If you aren’t, it’s irrelevant anyway. But FGS don’t bank on it being ringfenced. Take every precaution.

If you feel you need to hide money, there’s a problem. The fact that a person you are in a relationship with can’t accept ‘your money, your choice’ without making you feel uncomfortable or in some way pressurising you about it shows that. (beyond acceptable living standards. In which case same problem, opposite way). It’s common though, especially with men feeling they should have more control over money (even that isn’t theirs) with potentially other pressures they can use if they don’t have unequal financial control. I’m not singling you out - happens all the time and you already know there are issues.

Who owns the house? I wouldn’t be spending money on it in this situation if it wasn’t all mine. I wouldn’t tell him at all. You’ll never be able to spend it, so either split now or wait until you do and spend it however your comfortable with.

Take the money, buy Gold Bullion and hide it somewhere only you know.

Leave cryptic instructions for people to follow in your will in case something happens to you before you recover it.

OP. Your OH sounds scarily like my ex husband. His attitude to money was one of the reasons why we split.

So many questions! How do they do it? What are their aims? What are they afraid will happen if they hadn’t hidden it? Do they ever get found out? Do men ever do it? What sort of firm helps people hide money anyway? (Sadly, I have no need of their services!!)

Are they all pretending to go off to work every day and leading secret double lives? What about providing for their children or gifts to wider families - are there elaborate subterfuges with pretend competition winnings and so on? Or do they just not do it?

I have EVERY sympathy. So many women are in relationships with unequal power over all sorts of things, including their own money and bodies. It’s appalling that women feel they need to hide assets because it’s not possible or easy to defend their boundaries over it. I’ve been in relationships where I’d have done it.

This happened to my sister. 170k just like that, and he kept all his pension. Fortunately she's a high earner

Inheritance is generally not a matrimonial asset if kept separate. Once it's spent on something joint, like paying down a mortgage, it cannot be retroactively ringfenced.

Keep it separate and secret OP, except for the roof repair. Don't listen to pious hogwash about needing to be "honest " with your spendthrift partner. You have every moral right to protect yourself.

I would walk.

Op doesn’t want not to share with him just not to waste it on consumables. To my mind reducing your mortgage payments is the easiest way to do that.