To lie about an inheritance

[PhryneFisher]

A relative of mine died recently and it turns out she was worth quite a lot of money. My aunt is the executor of the will and has told me that she left me some money. They are trying to work out the details but it’s a decent amount (in the sort of £50k bracket).
I personally have never had this much money in my life and am unlikely to again so I want to make sure it’s not wasted. I’m on a relatively low income.
However there are things like a hole in my roof and a cracked window from where it slammed shut in a storm that I haven’t been able to get replaced/repaired because I couldn’t afford it, that sort of thing. Nothing flash but things that could make my life a bit better. So I was thinking of putting at least half away for the future and pretend it’s not there and spending some of the rest but not all.

My issue is my OH spends money like water. He is from a much better off background than me. But he doesn’t appreciate the value of money and as such, never has any.
He inherited £125,000 ten years ago and blew the lot in six months on a new car, holidays, gadgets, tickets. We made a few joint decisions and did some home improvements but most of it went on stuff he decided we needed, but didn’t.
He didn’t save one penny of it.
No-one will lend him money any more because he doesn’t pay it back and we (well, I) manage our finances completely separately.

This money has been left specifically to me and is going into my bank account that he can’t access (because that way I can control the spending from it).

But if I get the work done he will know I have some and he will constantly come up with things we “need” or show me the latest version of something we already have that doesn’t need replacing.

So, am I wrong to lie about the amount, tell him it’s £10,000 and enough to get the roof fixed? I will get the roof fixed anyway, I’m not asking his permission. Either way he won’t have access to it but if he doesn’t know how much I actually have, he can’t make it into an issue.

Before anyone points out the obvious, no, it’s not the most stable relationship on the planet, and we are working on that but the chances of us going the distance are 50/50 at best. So there’s also the element of if we did split up, and I hadn’t told him the true amount he would probably be entitled to half anyway, which isn’t ideal.

What would you do?

Definitely don't tell him the amount and are you certain you can keep it private e.g. he won't see bank statements?

In fact I would have the work you needed doing costed up - say the quote is £3.5k - I would tell him you got £5k.

Are you married? This is crucial if you break up.

Cannot believe he wasted so much money on 'stuff' in 6 months - that could have transformed your lives if spent well

Married or not it's a good idea not to let him know about the money. I agree with only telling him you've been left x amount, I think you'll still have a fight on your hands for him not to spend some of that on luxuries. Definite sounds like you need your financial security in this case with the relationship being so rocky

Do you own the house, joint names, yours or rented?

If it's jointly owned and he didn't put, at least some of his £125k into the mortgage etc, I'd be fuming, and seriously thinking about moving into my own house without him.

Gosh no don’t tell him. And not to divert the reason for the thread but I don’t think I could be with someone who is so selfish and thoughtless.

Honestly, if you're at the stage in your relationship that you're willing to lie to him about something as big as this then I think you should use the money to leave him and set up on your own.

Personally I wouldn't be lying to my partner or hiding stuff from him. I would tell him the truth but say that you don't trust him with the money because of how he wasted his inheritance. Just be honest. But sounds like the relationship is dead anyway. Move on and spend the money how you want to.

Do you really need to lie to manage this situation? Do you not have an honest enough relationship where you can say "I've inherited money and this is what I'm doing with it "

What a waster.

Absolutely don't tell him.
Spend the minimum you have to fix the roof.

Any money you put into a shared asset will be split.

Keep your inheritance in your account and he won't be entitled to it.

OP, he sounds like such a selfish waster blowing so much himself.

Protect yourself and tell him nothing.
That money could be a life saver for you.

I'd sincerely consider splitting up and starting divorce proceedings before the money landed in my account. I couldn't live a life like that.

Otherwise at best you go the distance and never get to enjoy the money without sneaking £50 here and there or lying about it or at worse you split and have to declare it and give him half anyway. I suppose at least then youd get £25k to yourself. Well, more like £15k after the £10k on the roof, door and other bits until the divorce. Then that can go on the legal fees.

Did you actually read @PhryneFisher‘s opening post? 🙄

I’d use that money to start over without him!

@SarahProblem have another go at reading the OP 🤣

The problem is, lies almost always backfire when they get found out.

There is no need to lie to your husband but also you don't have to disclose the exact amount either. It will be your money, safe in your account. If you have full control over how it is used/saved, then you have to be firm and maintain that your DH doesn't have a say in it - especially large sums of it.

It's a huge amount of money - don't waste it and don't allow him to waste it either.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think if you're working on your relationship issues, lying to him isn't a good idea. That just adds to the mistrust.

Could you instead just say that you've come into some money but because of the way he is with money, you're not going to tell him how much as it's none of his concern, just simply there is enough to do these small jobs in the house?

Tell him you inherited just about enough to pay for the repairs and put the rest in a new totally secret bank account that you can name “my exit fund”.

If you think you're going to split up, split up, but it might not solve the issue of access to the money.

Might be a question for the Legal Queen to help with...

I wouldn’t tell him, but I also wouldn’t stay with him. £50k will get you a deposit sorted on a place of your own surely?

Don't tell him the full amount. Do like you said, it's yours and he'll be irresponsible with it if he knew the full amount. Enjoy it!

Hmm I understand your reasoning however you happily helped spend his 125k now want to hide yours

Time to walk away from this relationship I’d say. There’s no trust and squandering £125k in 6 months is repulsive, irresponsible behaviour and I’d have a hard time respecting a partner who did this. You say it’s 50/50 whether it will last and you just know if he gets whiff of this inheritance it will be the death knell for spending it on crap.

Walk away and spend the money on your future. Check your rights with a solicitor, and if you decide to stay be prepared for him to find out if bank statements and solicitor letters arrive to the house.

Well, she didn't - H squandered it.

He blew £125k in 6 months?! What did the bulk the money actually go on? A Bentley, or the home improvements you got done?

I am not sure lying is the answer. Surely if he made decisions with his inheritance, he should fully accept you do the same with yours?

Bigger picture, why even stay with a man you only see 50/50 chance of a future with?

My DH is a spender and hoarder. Makes life hard at times. We have completely separate finances and he has no idea how much I have saved. I do know what he has as he is very happily not in debt (has been too many times) and was proud to tell me. I think he expected an exchange of information but I'm not telling. I think you are right to not let him know, I don't lie outright I just give vague answers. You have to do what you have to do.

I hope you enjoy having the money to do these things but also have a bit of something fun for you.

You manage your finances separately- it's none of his business.

An absolutely critical point which you have not clarified is whether you are married, or just live together.

If you are married and think divorce is on the cards, you need to get legal advice about how to protect yourself.

Who owns the house?

I'd not tell him at all.

Say your aunt inherited and has lent you the roof money. If you must say anything.

Frankly I'd dump him and move on. Life with a squandering spender is a miserable existence.

I think you should down play it to the point he thinks you inherited around maybe £3/4k ish or whatever it takes to sort the roof - as you don't want him to be suspicious. On a separate note I think this also should act as your renewed momentum to get rid of him.

Wow, do you really live like that?