AIBU to just not go to this dinner - Told DC cannot go

[feelingthepinch]

Not sure what to think on this one to be honest. I've namechanged as will be outing if anyone reads it.

Been with DP almost 5 years. He has 2 sisters, one of which I see alot and we get on well, the other we don't see as much as lives further away. Get on ok but shes always been a bit off with me (she was good friends with his ex wife, so probably she feels a bit awkward or disloyal if she likes me or something). Its never been a huge problem though. We are civil and friendly.

This Dsis is having a milestone birthday meal out at end of July. All DP's family are invited, its a case of the place is booked and we all buy our own food, so she isn't paying for everyone.
We agreed we could go and my exdp was having the dc that weekend so all good.

ExDP has had to go into hospital and although nothing serious looks like it will be hard for him to have the DC on the weekend as planned as it falls after a minor operation. The older DC can stay at home but youngest is 7 and i'm not keen on the others having the responsbility of him for that long as the restuarant is just over an hour drive away.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens.
Before we asked his Dsis if its possible to bring DC, I called the restaurant to see if needed could an extra chair be put at the table thats booked and they said yes its no problem and we can just let them know the day before. Reason I did this was because if the restaurant couldn't accommodate another person at the table there would be no point in asking his Dsis if we could bring DC anyway and I'd have to sort something out.

But as other Dc are going, Dp then asked his Dsis if we can bring him and she said No. The reason is because we are not married, and he isn't family.

If she'd of said no because there was no room or because no dc I'd of understood completely but the fact she said he isn't family just sort of stung me a bit. No we are not married, but we are engaged and live together and DP has been in DS's life since he was 3.

For the record DS is a very well behaved child, he will sit at a table and behave when out, so the reason is definitely not that hes a child who would misbehave. he is quiet, you'd hardly know he was there. Plus we are paying for our food anyway, so not like he would cost her anything.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive but its left me feeling a bit disappointed and like I'm basically an outcast and still not seen as part of the family. I do over think, but am I being silly about this or would anyone else feel a bit offended?

Nice one OP.

I wouldn't go. She's said no deliberately to make a point, using your DS to show you she doesn't consider you part of her family, because she doesn't quite dare do it to you directly. I wouldn't be celebrating the birthday of someone who had such animosity towards me. If I were your DP I wouldn't go either actually, as I would not be happy with my sibling rejecting my partner if they'd done nothing wrong.

@WitchWithoutChips Why the fuck would it be sly to find out if there is even room for an extra child?

There is no point asking to add another if there isn't room.
The OP has not booked an extra space.
The OP would have been paying for that extra person had they been welcomed.

IF she'd called up to catch the SIL out in a lie, if she'd called and added an extra space without asking to a meal being paid for by others, sure.. but none of that applies here!

OP - YANBU she's being a cow, don't go and make sure its clear you're not going because you're not family. If pushed on that point, as you're not family, you are not inclined to go to the effort to arrange childcare to attend a non-family and thus not important, event.

That's outrageous and nasty. I definitely would not go and would avoid her like the plague in future.

She doesn't have to. All she had to do was tolerate the presence at her meal of one quiet 7 year old who now hasn't got a babysitter for the evening. Its not some huge gesture to demonstrate the child's inclusion in the family.

I’m glad OP that your DP is on the same page. He’s right in a way, you’ve got childcare emergency and at least one of you can’t go but she was so unreasonably and deliberately mean that obviously none of you want make even a tiny effort.
I just can’t really imagine treating my sibling like this.

Not a chance I would go, I’d take my kids out somewhere nice instead.

Dp May not be going now but he needs to deal with the drama and tell sis why

*InChocolateWeTrust
I always find it slightly odd that it should be a given that one must welcome in step children.

I would find it very difficult to consider unrelated kids as part of my family. A couple could break up any time and those children would then completely disappear from our lives.

My uncle had a partner with a child for a few years who was brought along to various things and it was just a bit odd. We never saw them enough to get to know them properly, and it's probably a good thing the child didnt form bonds with us given their mum broke up my uncle 3 years later.*

Hmmm, this is a grim considering it refers to actual young children.

I don't suppose step children know if their parents relationship are going to last either.

Best not to welcome them and form bonds eh.

Mind you we are only talking about a well behaved child sitting down at the table for a meal, not making SiL life long god parent.

It was totally unnecessary. The only person you need to speak to is the host.

It’s academic in this case as SIL is indeed seemingly a cow but I wouldn’t recommend it with anyone with whom you want to maintain a friendship.

She's a bitch, and I wouldn't be going.

I would find it very difficult to consider unrelated kids as part of my family. A couple could break up any time and those children would then completely disappear from our lives.

Equally a couple might never break up and "those children" would be around forever. What a charming person you sound. I have known several people who have welcomed unrelated children into their lives as grandchildren/nieces, nephews etc. and treated them exactly as their own family. Of course, some people are just straight out nicer than others.

I must admit, while fully supporting the OP, I do agree with this.
It looks so much like an attempt to pre empt a refusal, that the two things are barely distinguishable. If someone did this to me I would think they were expecting me to lie and I'd be offended.

I totally get the ringing up the restaurant first. I have done that in the past myself. It's to pre empt causing my a big hassle to the host and putting them in an awkward position. If there's no room you're not going to make the request anyway.

You have to remember OP fully expected DSiS to say YES. She didn't do it to catch her out if she said NO.

Again, it’s totally unnecessary. The host will tell you if there is room and they will find a way to accommodate you if they want to.

It may not be intended as a dick move but it looks an awful lot like one. What would you do if you verified that there was space but when you asked the host they came back to you full of apologies that there was no way of squeezing in an extra guest? Tell them that you know they are lying?

Agreed, she doesn’t have to consider them family, or pretend to. I would expect her to be welcoming and kind though, to a 7 year old and also consider her brother’s feelings!

Re Ringing the restaurant ahead - it's not so you can say " can plus one come? I know there's room. "

It's so you know whether to ask in the first place.

And what do you do when you know there is room but the host comes back to say there is not and you know they are lying?

It may not be intended as a dick move but it looks an awful lot like one. What would you do if you verified that there was space but when you asked the host they came back to you full of apologies that there was no way of squeezing in an extra guest? Tell them that you know they are lying?

course not🙄 I'd presume stuff had changed that I didn't know about. I've done it to be helpful not to weld any sort of pressure.

Indeed - the host is privy to all sorts of information that the venue is not, meaning that when Auntie Joan’s hip operation is brought forward and she can no longer attend the host can happily accommodate your DC instead.

If it’s my event, and I want you there, and your attendance is contingent on you being able to bring your DC, then I’m going to find a way to make this possible. You don’t take that decision away from me by going over my head to determine whether you should even ask. I’m sure it’s well-meant but it’s not helpful in the slightest.

Stuff that. I wouldn't go

You don’t take that decision away from me by going over my head to determine whether you should even ask. I’m sure it’s well-meant but it’s not helpful in the slightest.

Sorry 🤷‍♀️ we'll have to disagree.

I am furious on your behalf - in our family all children, biological or not, are considered family - if this happened to my husband's step child he would tell his sister where to stick it and not go either.

How on earth can phoning to find out if there would be room look like a dick move if the SIL is never aware that this was done?

It would be a dick move IF she were hosting.. she is not hosting, because guests are all paying for themselves, at a venue that will be open to other paying customers.

Did you read the op? She clearly says there are other children attending so her child won’t effect the dynamic.