AIBU to just not go to this dinner - Told DC cannot go

[feelingthepinch]

Not sure what to think on this one to be honest. I've namechanged as will be outing if anyone reads it.

Been with DP almost 5 years. He has 2 sisters, one of which I see alot and we get on well, the other we don't see as much as lives further away. Get on ok but shes always been a bit off with me (she was good friends with his ex wife, so probably she feels a bit awkward or disloyal if she likes me or something). Its never been a huge problem though. We are civil and friendly.

This Dsis is having a milestone birthday meal out at end of July. All DP's family are invited, its a case of the place is booked and we all buy our own food, so she isn't paying for everyone.
We agreed we could go and my exdp was having the dc that weekend so all good.

ExDP has had to go into hospital and although nothing serious looks like it will be hard for him to have the DC on the weekend as planned as it falls after a minor operation. The older DC can stay at home but youngest is 7 and i'm not keen on the others having the responsbility of him for that long as the restuarant is just over an hour drive away.

There are other DC going to the meal, ranging in age from I think about 3 to teens.
Before we asked his Dsis if its possible to bring DC, I called the restaurant to see if needed could an extra chair be put at the table thats booked and they said yes its no problem and we can just let them know the day before. Reason I did this was because if the restaurant couldn't accommodate another person at the table there would be no point in asking his Dsis if we could bring DC anyway and I'd have to sort something out.

But as other Dc are going, Dp then asked his Dsis if we can bring him and she said No. The reason is because we are not married, and he isn't family.

If she'd of said no because there was no room or because no dc I'd of understood completely but the fact she said he isn't family just sort of stung me a bit. No we are not married, but we are engaged and live together and DP has been in DS's life since he was 3.

For the record DS is a very well behaved child, he will sit at a table and behave when out, so the reason is definitely not that hes a child who would misbehave. he is quiet, you'd hardly know he was there. Plus we are paying for our food anyway, so not like he would cost her anything.

I'm inclined to thinking I don't want to go now at all, and won't try and sort other arrangement for DS. DP thinks i'm being silly and too sensitive but its left me feeling a bit disappointed and like I'm basically an outcast and still not seen as part of the family. I do over think, but am I being silly about this or would anyone else feel a bit offended?

Yes, you’ve explained this and I understand that this was your thinking but it would seriously piss me off if you did this to me and I would feel backed into a corner. You haven’t said if she knows that you did it.

No idea if she knows. But she didn’t give the reason of no space why he can’t go anyway.

I wouldn't go. She's being petty.

I was a step child in the early 1960s when it wasn't common for young men to marry divorced women with existing children. Quite a few of my dear SDad's family had a problem with it. He was direct and clear from day 1. If his new partner and SC weren't welcome at any home or function he wouldn't be there either. From the day he committed to my mum we came first. Same with Mum and her family - if DSDad wasn't welcome she wasn't going.

Blended families were much less common then and looking back my parents made quite a few mistakes in the way they approached things but that was one thing I think they got right.

So is every single other person invited family? Not one single friend or partner?

This is what I was going to say. If my DP was ok with how his sister treated my child, id have a huge DP problem.

Your sil has never visited you. Do you get the impression she’s more important to your dp than he is to her? Idk how she’s going to react to your not going. Is she going to care or be mortally offended that you won’t comply?

You've had lots of advice OP, but I just wanted to back you up too. If my child isn't invited to a meal where other children can go because he's "not family", then no thank you. Not only will I not be attending this occasion, I won't be attending future "family" occasions - because clearly I wouldn't be "family" either, would I??

This does hit a nerve with me as I have 12yr old DD and DS and DP is not their bio dad. We got together when the DC were very young and they call him daddy. We have been together more than 10 years. His parents and his siblings all include DC as "his". He views himself as their parent, and he acts as such. I would be mortally wounded if my DC were excluded from an occasion because they "aren't family".

Blended families are common now, as PP have pointed out. I have to be honest, I'd also be pretty pissed off at DP for not backing me up on this. By not saying anything to his DSis, he's giving her a green light to treat your child like an outsider and an inconvenience. Nope, nope and nope.

Its a wierd grey area as she isnt hosting if you are all paying for yourselves so really she doesnt get to dictate who comes (imagine inviting friends to a pub expecting them all to pay their own way but insisting you have final say over whose there... bizaare) but since the place is privately hired its a 'private' event and anyone cant just show up.

I likely just wouldnt go as you dont actually have a babysitter and her knowing this and saying 'no' basically means she doesnt actually want you there anyway.

I would have issues with fiance though for telling me Im 'silly' and 'too sensative' when it comes to my children being rejected by his family. If he wants to play daddy and husband to young children (rather than just being mams casual boyfriend who barely knows the kids and has no say in their lives) then he has to accept your kids ARE part of his family and stick up for them.

It's her birthday and she isn't related to your kid. Decline the invite.

She was unnecessarily rude. So don’t feel bad about declining and don’t feel you have to make up an excuse.

I always find it slightly odd that it should be a given that one must welcome in step children.

I would find it very difficult to consider unrelated kids as part of my family. A couple could break up any time and those children would then completely disappear from our lives.

My uncle had a partner with a child for a few years who was brought along to various things and it was just a bit odd. We never saw them enough to get to know them properly, and it's probably a good thing the child didnt form bonds with us given their mum broke up my uncle 3 years later.

I would literally leave my ‘d’p if he didn’t point out to his sister that he considered the children his family. Seriously.

Your df should have said to his sister @feelingthepinch is my family and ds is my step son

they are family. Mine.

tbh you're putting a lot of weight on what your DP said that she said and I always think second hand gossip can lose or gain something in the telling. So I'm discounting the emotive language.
I think YABU on the basis that she's entitled to invite whoever she wants and that I think it's really odd you called the restaurant before you asked her. That's really pushy. The restaurant doesn't know who has RSVPed to her or not so there was no practical gain from speaking to the staff. It just looks as though you tried to go above her to prove there was room for your DC.
Go or don't go but you're not impacting the person whose birthday it is (who let's be honest won't really care) - you're impacting your DP.

She's a bitch. I wouldn't go. Yes it's her birthday and she is entitled to have who she wants there but a child who is well behaved won't make a difference. Its not like an adult you don't like coming or anything like that - you don't even have to chat to the kids that much. Moreover to say that you're not married and the child isn't family is so rude. Even if you were not engaged it doesn't matter. What if you decided you were going to be life partners but never marry. Then what? I think it's divisive. She clearly doesn't like you and is sticking to boot in. Her brother should say something. I think she has gotten away with it for way too long.

I wouldn't invite her to anything extra like your hen night either.

Did you not read the whole post? There are other children going, some younger than the OP’s little boy. It’s only the OP’s child who isn’t allowed to go, because the SIL doesn’t consider him family.

I’d just write back “oh I hadn’t realised it was family only, dp will come by himself” if he still wants to.

Well, by your argument siblings’ spouses aren’t ‘family’ either. Do you make a point of excluding them too?

Even if there’s a vague chance that a child might not be in your life forever and you don’t consider them ‘family’, is that actually any reason not to be nice to them and make them feel welcome when they’re around? Because I would just consider that a basic standard of kindness and decency.

(FWIW my brother is divorced - but his stepchildren, who are now adults, have always been my niece and nephew and will always be my parents’ grandchildren. We didn’t just stop speaking to them when my brother got divorced, any more than we stopped speaking to his biological children.)

you are not over sensitive at all. You’ve got an emergency situation, it’s not like you forcing a relationship on her. She was really mean, people are more understanding towards complete strangers. It looks like she was waiting for a while to make a point and just used this opportunity. There will be other DC and you will be paying themselves. You can book another table for all your DC at the same restaurant and take them there and she won’t be able to say anything. There are no any reasoning in what she’s said. Very mean and unkind.
I wouldn’t do anything ever at all for her and wouldn’t facilitate any sort of relationship either. She showed you that she doesn’t want it and she obviously wanted you and your DP to know about this.

She's being petty and mean spirited, I think you're right not to go.

Spoke to dp when he got in and before I’d got into it he said he’d been thinking about it today and is appalled at his dsis. When he got off the phone with her it didn’t really register with him what she was saying, as he was just thinking it’s her birthday and she said no. But thinking on it he is not happy either. He is very much of the opinion we both won’t be going.
he pretty much said to me she can shove her bday dinner up her arse.
he’s just going to message her and tell her we both won’t be coming now and leaving it at that. If she asks why he is just going to say we can’t come and not get into it all as she can be difficult and he basically doesn’t want to deal with her drama.
he has said he’ll be telling his parents the reason though if they ask why we are not going anymore.
We will post a birthday card, from all of us, but that’s it.

Good for you op, glad it’s worked out

Good, I'm glad your DP has come to the conclusion.

I wouldn't be going up an event where me or my children were considered 'not family'...