Teacher insulting my daughter

[Lua1978]

I work as a teacher at the same secondary school my daughter attends. In the staff workroom yesterday, a couple of teachers were discussing which two pupils they'd overheard saying something about something another pupil had done which they needed to report as a safeguarding concern.

When one of these teachers (who clearly has no clue it's my daughter she's referring to) starts going into great depth discussing one of the girls appearance as they couldn't remember her name... all very personal comments. She then remembered the pupils name and said "oh yeah it's (dds name)" she's got a very unusual name and the only one in the school for sure.

TBH if they had said poorly applied fake tan and skirt rolled up to short I'd have thought fair enough! I'm not overly precious about my daughter but these comments were really personal. I just sat there absolutely stunned and then walked out as honestly I was going to lose my temper or cry if I didn't and I'm normally a really calm person who doesn't get worked up about stuff.

Should I report it- it was really unprofessional, obviously she had no clue it's my daughter but it was so derogatory

Would you be saying the same thing if it was other girls in the school saying it about her daughter? If other students were going around calling her this and that.

No, it would be classed as bullying.

Why isn't it classed as bullying if it's a teacher saying it? Why on earth are teachers being allowed to abide to lower standards than students?

Surely the teacher should have known the name of the child in the first place. Pretty strange that she didn't. It's not as if it's early in the year. If knowing the name was enough then clearly there wasn't the need for any descriptors, unkind or otherwise.

Give it a rest, you'll be calling me a 'snowflake' next, or some other cutting insult you've picked up from the Daily Mail.

This.

Her comments were really horrible. I think I'd speak to my line manager about it for now, before deciding whether to take it further or just approach the woman.

Same!

Have just seen the post with the comments. Absolutely out of order and I would complain. They need to treat the children with respect. I wouldn't be happy if someone said this about an adult in a care home why would it be acceptable just because its children. I'd go so far as to say they should face disciplinary action.

If a pupil had been heard describing the physical appearance of a teacher in this tone (or how I have taken from the OPs post the tone was) she would probably have been pulled up wouldn’t she?

Young girls especially have enough to contend with without teachers being happy to have a dig at their appearance at school- even if not in front of the girl it was at school, and she thought it fine to speak that way.

Respect is earned not an automatic right and some teachers would do remember that this is mutual.

hopefully she’s reeling now someone has filled her in on your connection to DD.. but probably not, some teachers (as with all people) just think they are above being civil.

The staffroom is a private space for teachers to decompress from the stresses of the classroom.

No child hears what a teacher says about them in the staffroom. Just like teachers (most of the time!) don't hear what the children say about us once our backs are turned!

I know I've certainly used choice language about pupils to colleagues after a trying lesson. And yes, sometimes we do have a bit of a giggle over children's interesting fashion choices. We're human! It doesn't mean we don''t care about the kids and aren't 100% professional when working with them.

Teachers aren't expected to be paragons of virtue. I'm sorry you overheard something unpleasant about your dd, OP, but this is not something to complain about to any senior member of staff. If you're really that upset about it, then speak to the teacher directly. However, if you wouldn't have been upset if the child being discussed had not been your daughter, then it's probably something you need to just let go.

No, not echt, echt.

The question, like all questions here, is one of principle - it has to be, because, as you say, no one here can ever know all there is to know - the context, both sides, all that. We have to take every OP's word for what went on - it's the only source we've got.

So the issue is, "If you overheard a teacher saying something personal..."

To want to know what exactly was said smacks of prurience, frankly.

The staffroom is a private space for teachers to decompress from the stresses of the classroom. it's not private from the other teachers though. Would you think it acceptable for a doctor to be derogatory about a patient's appearance in the staff room? I hope not.

No, you cannot genuinely be defending a teacher openly spouting derogatory comments about a child. "Face like a slapped arse", and negative comments about her weight.

These comments would get me fired from my place of work if I said then about a stakeholder or a colleague.

In any situation, if an adult feels the need to belittle, and make degrading comments about a child, in order to de stress or unwind, then the issue is with them. Not the child.

Cannot believe you're defending this woman. Shame on you.

These comments would get me fired from my place of work if I said then about a stakeholder or a colleague agreed. It's also disgusting that such thoughts enter someone's mind yet alone that they share them outloud.

Gobsmacked at the lengths some people will go to here to defend this teacher.

The scariest part is, that if it was another child saying it, and the case was brought to the teacher as bullying, the thought of the teacher sitting there agreeing in her head with everything the bully is saying is just horrendous.

Many years ago I was in a similar situation. I worked as a regular supply teacher at the school my three children attended. I had worked there for a long time, on contracts as well as supply. One day a known volatile boy swung a chair which unfortunately hit my son. There was no intention to injure my son; it just happened that my son got caught in the crossfire. When I encountered the boy’s head of house, I asked what was going to happen as a result, thinking the other teacher knew the injured boy was my son. He replied along the lines of, “Not sure yet but I hear is a bit of an idiot himself.” I was shocked, and rather upset to think my son was thought of by some in this way. I didn’t know what to say. I actually really respected this teacher and we always got on well so I just let it go. It was never mentioned again. My son was not really hurt or particularly bothered by the incident as it was an accident and I never told him of the conversation. I imagine the teacher was mortified once he realised! He was always very supportive towards me and became a good friend. Least said, soonest mended I think.

In your situation I think once the teacher involved realises what she said in front of you maybe in future she will be more restrained in her opinions. Don’t let it get to you.

How can it be based on "er.... nothing" if OP heard them? Ludicrous comment.

Thats really upsetting OP. I can't stand these conversations where a woman or girls appearance is ripped to shreds. Whether it's to 'vent' or under the pretense of describing them. Its always motivated by nastiness and spite.
Adults insulting teen girls is particular distasteful and reveals underlying attitudes that mean they've no real business teaching them.
However, I think the situation is very difficult because its your own DD. I assume you've heard simular and not reported it, so I do think the message will be diluted if you report on this occasion, as the main takeaway will be embarrassment you heard, not that it was wrong regardless.
I think your colleagues are long overdue a reminder of the values they should be displaying though, so I think I might hold on to it this time, and bring it up as a general issue about respect being shown to students.

In your situation I think once the teacher involved realises what she said in front of you maybe in future she will be more restrained in her opinions. Don’t let it get to you the problem for me is that this teacher holds these opinions and thinks it is acceptable to voice them outloud. It has shocked me and I now no longer trust teachers.

People who don't get this obviously have never been teachers.

You know what? Some kids aren't very nice people. Some are nasty, scheming little pieces of work. Some are horrible bullies to other children. Some are deliberately, consistently irritating. Some refuse to follow instructions. Some are rude and unpleasant, to teachers and to other children. Some are downright psychopathic.

Sometimes after a lesson when you have dealt with a child who has been consistently unpleasant to you, you need to go to the staffroom and sound off about them.

The fact that you can't imagine how this can ever possibly be true is what I find shocking.

No, in an ideal world, no one should ever make horrible comments about anyone else. But we all know that we all do. So are we really that shocked that sometimes teachers say nasty things about their pupils?

Also, no, I would not say anything nasty or unpleasant about a child's appearance or something they can't change about themselves. But I can understand that after a child had pushed a teacher's buttons all lesson, they might be tempted to. Would I wring my hands and go running to the Headteacher? Absolutely not. I'd make my colleague a cup of tea and suggest they took a breather before going back out to face their next class.

OP - teacher sounds awful and my daughter is only 12 and also rolls up her skirt! And asks me to buy a size smaller than I usually would to ensure it's shorter (even though the school policy is the skirt should be to the knee). Grrrr 😖

If your way of managing your professional stress is to insult children's appearance, then you should really be looking for a job you can cope with properly. Because its not right and its not healthy.
If the students have annoyed you then vent about their behaviour.

couple of teachers were discussing which two pupils they'd overheard saying something about something another pupil had done which they needed to report as a safeguarding concern.

I don't understand this part. Is she going to report something that your daughter has seen/heard about someone else as the subject of a safeguarding report?

"she's got a very unusual name and the only one in the school for sure."..
🤐

I understand it if its about their behaviour. But their appearance?!! That's vile. Get a stress ball or have a debrief about a stressful incident. But if I moaned to a colleague that x in accounts, you know the one with the ridiculous slug eyebrows, was a pain. I would be reprimanded for dragging her eyebrows into the conversation.

"You know what? Some kids aren't very nice people. Some are nasty, scheming little pieces of work. Some are horrible bullies to other children. Some are deliberately, consistently irritating. Some refuse to follow instructions. Some are rude and unpleasant, to teachers and to other children. Some are downright psychopathic."

Based on some of the comments on this thread, the exact same above can be said about teachers.

A child being horrible to a teacher? Not excusable. The answer to this is not for the teacher (the adult in the situation) to feel they can then make derogatory comments about that child's appearance.

Look, excuse the behaviour all you want. It won't make it acceptable, it won't make it ok. This teacher is very clearly a horrible person, if they think it's ok to use a child's appearance as weapon against them. Unprofessional and if that's how a teacher needs to de stress, then perhaps they're not cut out for the profession.