Teacher insulting my daughter

[Lua1978]

I work as a teacher at the same secondary school my daughter attends. In the staff workroom yesterday, a couple of teachers were discussing which two pupils they'd overheard saying something about something another pupil had done which they needed to report as a safeguarding concern.

When one of these teachers (who clearly has no clue it's my daughter she's referring to) starts going into great depth discussing one of the girls appearance as they couldn't remember her name... all very personal comments. She then remembered the pupils name and said "oh yeah it's (dds name)" she's got a very unusual name and the only one in the school for sure.

TBH if they had said poorly applied fake tan and skirt rolled up to short I'd have thought fair enough! I'm not overly precious about my daughter but these comments were really personal. I just sat there absolutely stunned and then walked out as honestly I was going to lose my temper or cry if I didn't and I'm normally a really calm person who doesn't get worked up about stuff.

Should I report it- it was really unprofessional, obviously she had no clue it's my daughter but it was so derogatory

That must have been horrible OP. Definitely speak to the teacher but I also think you should tell the HT or one of your SLT. I used to work in a school (non teaching role) and our HT used to pull colleagues up if they used generalisations ('you know what girls are like' or similar), or by using appearance or perceived character traits to identify pupils - 'you know, the one with the dirty shirt', or 'that group that are always messing around'. She felt this stigmatised young people often based on attributes over which they had no control - for example the cleanliness of their uniform.

If staff in your school can't see a problem in talking about students in this way then maybe some wider training is needed!

@CoastalWave

You obviously only recognised they were talking about her after how they described her!

The OP clearly says in her first post that the other teacher named her daughter at the end of the conversation, and that the name is unusual one so there was no room for confusion. That was how she knew they were talking about her daughter. Nothing to do with the physical description.

If her eyebrows and her resting face are a distinguishing feature, that's what you're going to describe.

'She's got dark eyebrows, roundish face, looks quite serious all the time' would be fine. 'Eyebrows like slugs, big face like a slapped arse' is not.

Would you rather they'd said, she's got enormous boobs or she's a 'big girl'

I would rather teachers weren't describing a child's tits at all, because it's really fucking inappropriate, what with her being A BLOODY CHILD.

Am I wrong in assuming she said some nasty things about your daughter’s appearance? It’s a little bit vague so it’s hard to grasp the extremity of what she may have said

I can confirm this is true and also includes Girl Guiding volunteers and other (mostly women) with volunteering roles in youth groups. The vast majority have no issues speaking in a derogatory about the children in their charge to other volunteers and sometimes even other parents. I was shocked when I noticed it first. I suppose it's their way of dealing with the stresses and frustrations of volunteering. I would never ever do this.

Op

You are “not happy” about your daughter showing her arse
and presumably the school isn’t either.

what is going on at this school???

Are you certain there aren’t any other kids in the school with the same name as your daughter? Not that that excuses what she said… it’s incredibly upsetting to think that the people we trust to educate our children are berating them over their appearance behind their backs.
Seeing as you haven’t worked there long, I would have to let it go… but if you hear them talking about students like that again, yeah, I would definitely report it. Teachers should be setting an example, not contributing to the bitching that young girls have to deal with daily in schools.

@Lua1978 That’s really horrible.
No wonder you were so hurt.
What utterly bitchy teachers.
That would have upset anyone.

Have you ever said something in the staff room that you wouldn't have wanted the student and/or their parents to hear?

I'd think very carefully about reporting this.

I'd still complain. I absolutely don't think it's right that grown women, especially teachers, are making personal comments about teenage girls.

I think I would have a quiet chat to the relevant teacher about it. It must have been very hard for you to hear that. Personally I think the comment about her being a 'big girl' was ok, but not the comment about her face.

In the seventies when I taught, there were lots of conversations about pupils.

A couple of gems I distinctly remember are:

About a talk, pale lad, "He looks like a stick of forced rhubarb."

And a girl, "She takes after her mother, except that she's clean shaven. "

I'm sure the pearl clutchers will be along in a minute. It might not have been 'professional' but it was bloody funny.

There are so many paragons of virtue on mumsnet!!

In an ideal world, the teacher shouldn’t have said what she did. However, we don’t live in an ideal world and we’ve all no doubt described someone using terms we wouldn’t actually say to their face - eg. Big girl/stick thin girl, enormous eyebrows, frizzy hair, big boobs, orange tan…that’s life. Not ideal but it is.

Can the OP honestly say she’s never said something about someone that she wouldn’t say to their face?

The student didn’t hear these things so she’s unaffected. I would drop it and move on personally.

The vast majority have no issues speaking in a derogatory about the children in their charge to other volunteers and sometimes even other parents. I was shocked when I noticed it first. I suppose it's their way of dealing with the stresses and frustrations of volunteering. I would never ever do this.
No, they're just bitter judgemental cows that haven't learned that if there's nothing nice to say, say nothing.
Unfortunately this carry on IME is mostly from women against other women and worse used against younger women whom they should be bringing up not bringing down, there is enough abuse towards them without joining in.
I've learned as a parent that other parents lie and gossip about DC and their families.
Awful behaviour.

Hard to know without knowing the comments. Would it have been ok had they said the girl was a slender pretty girl? I would have an issue if the comments were sexualised

Op has told us the comments now in her 12.51 post

why didnt you say thats my daughter your talking about.

Ive done this when overheard people talking about my partner its great make the squirm lol.

It's not about being professional, it's about not being a cunt when talking about young people and how they look. I also don't think the 70s is a good benchmark of how people should behave!

@passthetena no it is not acceptable to call someone a brat because of their appearance. When I wrote my post Idid not know what had been said. OP has now told us.
My sympathy is with the daughter but not the OP who doesn't accept when she is in the staff room she is a teacher and not her daughter's mother.
I was a pupil with a parent who was a teacher at my school. I found some teachers were too nice to me and some were horrible

It's the school that needs to deal with it. At my local grammar school, the rules about uniform include how many stripes a tie should be showing, shirts have to have the top button closed, and the length of girls' skirts. Its last Ofsted report was outstanding.

Girls rolled up their skirts in the eighties. It’s fairly standard teenage behaviour. Fake tan surely isn’t a problem. Who cares what colour her skin is.

imo when at work you don’t make personal comments and certainly not about teenagers.

As I said, it might not have passed today's rigid standards but it gave us all a laugh.
How many sets of pearls are you wearing?

I worked in a secondary. c 200 staff and 2,000 kids.

Staff were rarely together, lunch was grabbed in the classroom or department office. Breaks were staggered and staff were on duty in playgrounds.

There was very little opportunity for the water cooler chats you may have elsewhere and we certainly would not have known which staff member had a child in school or which class etc.

How true. We seem to have become a society of "what can I find to be offended about today?"

I'd seek out the teachers concerned and tell them that in future you would appreciate it if they could approach you when there is a problem with your daughter's behaviour. Say that you would prefer them to discuss things properly with you rather than making personal remarks about your DD's appearance in your earshot. Tell them bluntly that you did not appreciate that at all and that you found it both upsetting and unprofessional.

That would be my approach rather than escalating it. I hope they apologise.