Page 4 | Would you say something?

Sayornottosay · 2022-07-06T07:21:56+00:00

DD is 12 and in secondary school and stays with her dad half the week. She walks to school from his which is about a 20 min walk. She still has to even if it's raining / crap weather. He is at work when she sets off but his wife is home and takes her own DD to school but sets off later. Admittedly it's not the same school as her DD is much younger. AIBU to think she should be given a lift if the weather is crap and should I say something?

lospolloshermanosass · 06/07/2022 10:43

If DD and DSD schools are only a couple minutes apart why can't DSD come in the car with you, get out at DD school and walk the remainder of the way?

Nomchange49 · 06/07/2022 10:46

I would have offered her a lift. It's likely at that age that they prefer to not be seen getting out of cars at the school gate though.

FooFighter99 · 06/07/2022 11:41

As a fellow step-mum who was in your EXACT shoes 8/9 years ago (12 year old DSD and a toddler) I do think you are being mean

As a step-mum you need to be all in IMO, which means school runs and ferrying them around and whatnot, the same as any other parent would do. You can't hold them at arms length and play the "but she's not mine" card, just because something might inconvenience you slightly

Imagine in 10 years time, you and DH have split and you're in the same boat as his ex, and his new GF won't run your DD to school when it's pouring down.... I imagine you'd feel the exact same way!

I hate this narrative some people have that step-parents don't need to treat their step-children as equal to their biological children - is it any wonder so many kids nowadays are emotionally damaged! "Oh well she's not my kid, so I'm not getting involved" - imagine how that makes the child feel

@Sayornottosay you ARE being mean. You are her step-mum, essentially she now has 3 parents (not sure if her mum has a BF/DH), and by getting into a relationship with someone with kids you knew what you were signing up for.

Loveisnotloving · 06/07/2022 11:44

If it was pissing out of the heavens I would drive her because it is just lousy not to. If she was going to arrive in wet shoes and soaked through I would certainly drive her. All other days she could could walk.

How you can let a child who lives with you part time walk out the door in torrential rain when you could give her a lift is beyond me.

Original poster

Sayornottosay · 06/07/2022 11:55

For people confused about timing...

Her school starts at 8:30 but she needs to be there by 8:25, DDs is 8:50.

DSD sets off at 8am, I set off to drop DD at 8:35ish as I have to park up and take her in, I then carry onto work.

DSDs school is past DDs so I'd have to set off about quarter past, drive to DSDs school, drop her off, drive back on myself to drop DD at school and then go back on myself again (toward DSDs school) to go to work. If I get stuck in traffic I could potentially be late for work as I only 10ish mins to get there as it is.

I could potentially drop her off at DDs school but I'd have to drop her there with enough time for her to get to hers for 8:25 meaning I'd be hanging around DDs school for half an hour and she'd miss being able to walk with her friends.

If it was pissing out of the heavens I would drive her because it is just lousy not to.

I've already said it wasn't.

It's not actually anything to do with her 'not being mine', if you read my posts you'd see I used to take her all the time when she was at the primary. But she's old enough now to walk like all her friends seem to do which makes my morning easier. I'd let her walk if she were mine too, it's nothing to do with that.

I do think if her parents have a problem, they are welcome to be late to their own work to take her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sayornottosay · 06/07/2022 12:10

You are her step-mum, essentially she now has 3 parents (not sure if her mum has a BF/DH), and by getting into a relationship with someone with kids you knew what you were signing up for.

Okay so as her third parent, I believe she is fine and capable of walking to school...?

Or do you mean I'm a third parent who must do whatever the other two parents tell me? Am I allowed to make decisions as her third parent in which case, I've decided this is fine. Or am I not? In which case I'm not much of a parent am I?

OP posts:

CauliWobble · 06/07/2022 12:13

Sayornottosay · 06/07/2022 12:10

You are her step-mum, essentially she now has 3 parents (not sure if her mum has a BF/DH), and by getting into a relationship with someone with kids you knew what you were signing up for.

Okay so as her third parent, I believe she is fine and capable of walking to school...?

Or do you mean I'm a third parent who must do whatever the other two parents tell me? Am I allowed to make decisions as her third parent in which case, I've decided this is fine. Or am I not? In which case I'm not much of a parent am I?

Exactly.. if you're a third parent you're allowed to decide its not in her best interests!

unicornp00 · 06/07/2022 12:13

I find it hilarious how when she posted as the mother everyone said she was unreasonable, now that she's said she's actually the step mother everyone is saying she's selfish for not driving the step child to school!!

VintageVest · 06/07/2022 12:14

Haven't read the whole thread so maybe it has been suggested already, but could you get ger a decent second hand bike if she doesn't like walking?

Original poster

Sayornottosay · 06/07/2022 12:14

unicornp00 · 06/07/2022 12:13

I find it hilarious how when she posted as the mother everyone said she was unreasonable, now that she's said she's actually the step mother everyone is saying she's selfish for not driving the step child to school!!

Precisely the reason I posted as the mother in the first place!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sayornottosay · 06/07/2022 12:15

VintageVest · 06/07/2022 12:14

Haven't read the whole thread so maybe it has been suggested already, but could you get ger a decent second hand bike if she doesn't like walking?

She has a bike and it's been suggested before she ride to school but I don't think it's "cool" 😂

OP posts:

queenie2016 · 06/07/2022 12:18

You quite clearly have no intention of dropping her near or at school so what's the problem ? Are you just trying to endlessly be backed up that your right ? There's not a right and wrong if you don't want to drop her off etc then so be it you don't have to and you don't have to offer, but if you did it is a nice thing to do I think maybe just offer her a lift let her know you would drop her if she wanted it she probably would rather walk with her friends so it would be nothing lost to you, you seem to be getting really over worked about being right about it it's an offer of an occasional lift and I think you are being unreasonable she's your step daughter.

Bookworm20 · 06/07/2022 12:25

Your timings still don’t add up though.
how if you left 15 minutes earlier would you be sat outside dd school for half an hour and also still be late for work?

you do seem to be changing things from the initial post (reverse or not)
it’s gone from crap weather to a little drizzle.
and then totally back tracked in the timings.

also you say dsd hasn’t asked for a lift. But it’s obviously been mentioned by her to her mum for it to come up at all. And enough of an issue for it to be brought up between her and your dh.

and unless you’re speaking to her mum direct you’re getting all this second hand off your dh. Maybe it’s actually your dh that thinks you’re being awkward or mean? In which case does he have a point? considering you keep changing things it’s hard to know exactly what the setup really is.

StanleyBostitch · 06/07/2022 12:36

When DD is with her father he should be ensuring she gets to school safely, which includes not sending her out walking in terrible weather. If that means working together with the step mother to have the child driven to school, then that's what needs to happen. If the shoe was on the other foot I bet the step mother would want her own child driven in the rain. Honestly, it's not an 'us and them' situation, you're caring for a child.

IncompleteSenten · 06/07/2022 12:58

You shouldn't have admitted you were the stepmum...

CupidStunt22 · 06/07/2022 13:06

None of your business what happens at dad's house

That's bollocks though, isn't it?

HotDogKetchup · 06/07/2022 13:07

I think it’s great that she is getting 40mins of exercise each way and that should absolutely be maintained. No wonder there’s an obesity epidemic reading these posts.

I walked a similar distance to catch the bus when I went to secondary school. If the weather was so bad that school was shut id only find out because the bus didn’t turn up so I wouldn’t actually miss the walk. My parents worked FT so were never able to give me lofts.

When your DD is 13 she should walk to school too. But she’s three and the point everyone is missing is a three year old cannot take themselves.

CupidStunt22 · 06/07/2022 13:08

OP, I don't think this is difficult to work out. If DSD and DD were both yours, would you do the same thing? If yes, you're fine. If no...not so much.

HotDogKetchup · 06/07/2022 13:08

you're caring for a child.

A teenager.

Somethingsnappy · 06/07/2022 13:32

All such a fuss over nothing! I mean the parents of your dsd, not you. She hasn't requested a lift... She probably doesn't even want one! I chose to walk 45 mins to school every day at that age, so I could be with my friends. The weather never featured for a moment in that decision.

If the weather was horrific, the offer of an occasional lift might be nice. But rarely do we get days that bad. A bit of summer rain isn't going to hurt anyone.

saraclara · 06/07/2022 13:44

Your timings still don’t add up though.
how if you left 15 minutes earlier would you be sat outside dd school for half an hour and also still be late for work?

OP has offered two alternative scenarios. In one she'd be late for work. In the other, she'd be sat outside DD's school for ages.

Tilda77 · 06/07/2022 13:53

CupidStunt22 · 06/07/2022 13:08

OP, I don't think this is difficult to work out. If DSD and DD were both yours, would you do the same thing? If yes, you're fine. If no...not so much.

I agree!

funinthesun19 · 06/07/2022 14:00

Like you said, her DD is much younger than your high school aged DD. Her DD can’t exactly get herself to school can she? You can’t go down that road of making out she’s treating them differently when both girls are completely different ages, not to mention the fact that she has a parental responsibility to get her young child to school safely ie not on her own. I imagine that when her DD is your DD’s age, she will have to get herself to school and her mum will probably be working longer hours by then.

Why can’t the solution be a coat and umbrella?
Or you or your ex take DD if the lift is so crucial.
Or he (or you) pays for a taxi?

Don’t say anything. How she navigates as a parent and what she does for her child but doesn’t do for your child is none of your business. Maybe suggest the above solutions to your ex instead?

funinthesun19 · 06/07/2022 14:05

Ah, just noticed this is a reverse.
My opinion still stands and you’re doing nothing wrong OP. The mum needs to butt out and her or DH either take dd, provide a coat and umbrella or pay for a taxi.
Perfectly easy to sort out without involving you.

Bookworm20 · 06/07/2022 14:12

OP has offered two alternative scenarios. In one she'd be late for work. In the other, she'd be sat outside DD's school for ages.

No she hasn't. Neither of those scenarios have her dropping off her DD late and being late for work.

One is her getting to DD's school early and DSD walking from there. which means OP would have to be sat waiting at DDs school. But hardly for 'ages'.
The other is she drops DSD off first and then drives to DD's school (which is 5 minutes drive away)
How do either of those scenarios mean the DSD is making her late for work?

Plus, we're not talking every day! Its once in a blue moon when its chucking down with rain.

But I can see how OP wouldn't want to have the inconvenience of leaving the house a whole 15 minutes earlier so her 12yo DSD wasn't having to spend the entire school day in cold wet shoes and possibly wet clothes.
Or making her 3 year old have to sit and wait in the car for 15 minutes.

I can though see how the childs mother and father may think this is somewhat selfish of the OP.