Would you say something?

[Sayornottosay]

DD is 12 and in secondary school and stays with her dad half the week. She walks to school from his which is about a 20 min walk. She still has to even if it's raining / crap weather.

He is at work when she sets off but his wife is home and takes her own DD to school but sets off later. Admittedly it's not the same school as her DD is much younger.

AIBU to think she should be given a lift if the weather is crap and should I say something?

We have a similar scenario here. I'm the mum. I wouldn't dream of telling her dad's girlfriend to give her a lift. She has enough to do getting her two ready and to school in the opposite direction. If her Dad wants to give her a lift, brilliant. If not, she can use the coat and the umbrella I bought her. If the weather was so bad I didn't think it safe for her to walk in, I doubt the school would be open anyway.

Yes and if you take your child to a toddler play ground you must also take the DSD and lift her into one of those tiny swings.

Well the weather is crap here today and yesterday (which is when ex messaged). It was drizzling/ raining throughout the day and dark clouds.

Depends on your definition of crap weather. That to me is crap weather but is obviously different to a full blown storm.

Did the ex actually ask your DH to ask you to give her child a lift and then when you said no she said you were mean? How is she not embarrassed by her entitlement?

I think many divorced women with exes who they know to be hands-off or not “as good” parents as themselves, feel it’s incumbent upon the SM to be “mum” when their D.C. are with their dads. It’s a shame.

No she said it was "tight" to let DD walk in the rain and when DH said he was at work too early to take her she questioned why I wasn't and said it was mean of me to take our DD but not DSD.

My DD15 walks 40 minutes to and from school each day whatever the weather as I work. She meets friends along the way so sees it as a good chance to have a chat /socialise outside of school. Most secondary school age pupils do not want to have their parents drop them off.
20 minutes is not an unreasonable length of time. If DSD has never mentioned it then she probably is happy with the situation.

Have to admit I never took my stepsons to their bus stop for their school which was also about a 20minute walk. They were teens though (and wouldn't be caught dead in a raincoat).

I'm almost always on the side of the SM, but this instance I do think that's mean. I couldn't let a child walk in the rain if it meant a few minutes of inconvenience.

That's totally different then. Of course you're not unreasonable to not give a lift if its just drizzling or light rain.
We obviously have a different idea of what crap weather is!

You are unreasonable though if it was hammering down and she would be drenched within minutes. But like I said earlier, thats what, a handful of times a year, if that?

Omg you aren't her employee. She doesn't get a say in what you do or don't do for her daughter.

I was surprised to see all of the "you're being precious" type replies when we still thought you were the mum rather than stepmum. Yes I think you should drive her to be honest, and I thought the same when I thought you were the mum. Strictly only in bad weather, a bit of light drizzle fair enough but sometimes a 20 minutes walk in the rain can mean the DD will arrive at school (and have to sit there all day) wet and uncomfortable. I have younger DC with a similar 20 minutes walk from school, and I loathe driving to school as parking is a nightmare. But when it's absolutely teeming down, I do, as I wouldn't want to be sat at work all day in wet trousers from getting soaked on a 20 minutes walk in torrential rain, why should my DC?

I mean - from secondary school, I was expected to make my own way every single day, so I absolutely don't think it's unreasonable for her to do so.

But - "getting a bit wet" is one thing if it's on the way home & she's going to get home, warm up, change... Whereas on the way to school, it means she's stuck in wet clothes for at least an hour or two, then you have that manky feeling for the rest of the day. So personally - assuming it is only a few minutes, and the times work so you don't have to change anything - I'd offer her a lift just because it's a nice thing to do for someone I spend a lot of time with. If she says no then there's the answer, if the times don't work then it's a moot point, if the schools are actually 5 miles apart then that's different.

If my DH was being passive aggressive about it then I'd offer helpful tips as to how he can rearrange his other commitments to ensure he is taking responsibility for his biggest commitments.

Why? Will they dissolve?

This all the way.

You should be taking her in bad weather. Doesn’t matter that you’re her stepmum for goodness sake - surely when you took on her dad, you took on her too?! You sound so cold towards her. You’re all a family unit, whatever the dynamics! If it were me, I’d be saying “I’m leaving at x time, if you’re ready I can give you a lift” … why would you treat her this way just because she’s not yours? Surely she should have 2 loving homes and feel wanted in both of them?

Could you not just drop her off at your dd school if the weather was bad ? Would that cut her time down to walk to school? Then your not going out of your way ? How close is it to get school? And she leaves 30 mins earlier than you because you said it takes around 20 mins to walk so I would assume if you took her she would leave roughly the same time as you ? If it's just when the weather is bad it will only be through the winter time she may not even be bothered about it you could offer and see what she says ? Or just let her know your there if she ever needing dropping into school. It's not your responsibility but she's your step daughter and it's a nice thing to do.

Okay, half an hour is quite a difference in setting off times (I'd envisaged something like ten minutes) and also it seems that the DD isn't bothered. She'd probably still rather walk with her friends anyway.
The possibility of the SD feeling second best seems less after your update. Especially as the age gap between the kids is wide. It's not like the pre school child can walk alone in the rain like her step sib.

Is your DDs school in the opposite direction? I think I'd drop S.DD at school if it was lashing rain.

Everyone is right rain won't hurt/ kill/ melt her. But it's nicer not to be wet. Rain coat is good what about shoes? That's where I always left myself down right until my mid 20s when I bough ankle wellies

I don't think you generally need to take responsibility for taking your step daughter to school (and to be fair, it doesn't sound as though she wants or expects you to).

I do think, as a reasonable human being, you should probably offer her a lift on days that the weather is particularly inclement. Not just a bit of drizzle, but torrential rain or blizzards etc. You obviously have no obligation to, but it would be a minor inconvenience to you versus a really unpleasant experience for your DSD.

Put it this way - that walk is excellent for her health and well-being, plus it is saving fuel and has no impact on the environment.
added bonus is that she gets to spend time with her mates.

a decent waterproof coat so she doesn’t get soaked through and she will be fine.

it’s a 20 minute walk - not a hike up Ben Nevis.

Your DH should STFU about asking you to look after his DD, and agreeing with his exW is a red flag to me. It screams lack of loyalty to you. 12 yo is fine walking in the rain. If it didn't put you out then it wouldn't be an issue, but to add more to your workload is a bloody cheek.

YANBU.

If your DSD is happy to walk to school, with friends, then there should be absolutely no issue.

If your DH thinks she should be driven to school then he should alter his hours at work and he can take her. Or he/his ex can pay for a taxi/transport. Or her mother can pick her up from your house and drive her.

The only other alternative I can think of is DSD traveling in the car with you and younger DC then getting out at the pre-school and walking the rest of the journey - is timing and distance an issue there?

I take our DD because she's in pre school, attached to a primary, and I drop her off on the way to work, half an hour later than DSD sets off.

DSD school is about 5 min drive from DDs school but with traffic it's cutting it fine with me also having to get to my own job.

So you drop DD off at her school half an hour later than DSD sets off?
But DSD has a 20 minute walk.
And DD school is 5 min drive from DSD school. And they are in the same direction.

So I'm totally confused now, how would it mean you leaving any earlier in order to take your DSD to school in bad weather? In fact if DSD didn't have the 20 minute walk, you'd be leaving the house at the same time anyway, maybe at a push a couple minutes earlier?

By those timings, their schools must start about the same time. How would dropping DSD off first make you late for work, when you'd arrive at DD school at the same time you normally do?

Perhaps when the mother said she thought it mean you would not give a lift, is because by what you've put here it would make, at the absolute most, a 5 minute difference to your daily schedule.

I don't give my older kids a lift to school even if I'm taking my young child. They have waterproof coats and umbrellas and the exercise is good for them