Need to vent - lazy husband

[Rantyranty]

We have one child, a year old. A big issue since DS was born has been that I do the vast majority of childcare and night wakings. It was frustrating at times when I was on mat leave but now I’m back at work, I’m not happy and we have spoken about it several times. H pulls his weight for a week or so and then goes back to being too lazy to do anything.

So I decided rather than expecting H to do things proactively, I will ask him to do it.

Tonight was my day to pick up DS from nursery, which includes making dinner, giving him a bath and putting him to bed (somehow, even on H’s days to pick him up, I still end up doing half of those tasks, but that’s another thread). H came home and as I was putting DS to bed I asked him to do a load of DS’s washing. That was at half 7.

I had to log back on so left H in the living room. Popped in at 9ish and he’s lying on the sofa on his phone, with the laundry basket just sitting there. I didn’t say anything.

Went back in at 10pm, same sight.

H has just come to the study, looking absolutely shattered saying he is trying to stay awake for the washing but he’s struggling, and can I hang it up to dry.

Seriously, WTAF. He put the washing in just before midnight, and then wants me to hang it out when it’s done. The reason why I asked early on was because obviously it takes time for the washing to wash, and sitting on your phone on your arse all night will obviously mean the washing doesn’t get done.

DS is a terrible sleeper, and I have a very demanding job. But what has been the most difficult for me over the past year is not adjusting to life with a baby and a job, but H. I went into this thinking we would be 50/50 in terms of care (well, more me because of breastfeeding). I didn’t expect to end up being the primary caregiver who also looks after the house, with a part time assistant that needs directions and even then doesn’t help.

You have to switch off. He's tired because he put the washing on too late? Tough luck mate. Dragging slippers - ignore.

He lets baby in? You do the same in return.

Stop doing things, when he asks why 'oh, you only needed to ask'. He asks 'oh but it's so late, you should have asked me earlier' rinse and repeat, we can all play the strategic incompetence game. It's that or leave.

I have one of these, OP. It's total shit.

Sad but, don't have another child with him

This is excellent 👏🏽

Please, someone tell me. Does he actually have a point, or is he trying to defend himself by blaming it on me? I got annoyed and he said he’s just explaining himself. But to me, it’s like he’s blaming his laziness and incompetence on me.

No, he has zero point and yes, he is deflecting it on to you.

You need to give him an ultimatum that you mean. That he needs to shape up or leave.

OP you know he isn't going to change, when you ask for him to step up without assistance from you he makes it your fault, he's making it crystal clear that he doesn't care how his behaviour impacts you. So what are you going to do?

My dh (adhd) loves a list. He gets it all done then..
What was his home like op? Mil wiping his arse at 20?
When my dd moved in with her bf his dm came and collected his dirty washing and brought it back on hangers..
She also made his packed lunch every day and dropped it off before work!
Drive dd nuts.

Fantastic post.

Don't waste your life with a selfish waster.

He's not a project to fix, he just doesn't give a damn about you or his child.

Don't be one of those women who waste 20 years on someone who really only cares about himself.

You will bitterly regret it.

@violetbunny It's good you're making progress and you feel a bit better about things but the "not allowed to nag" thing really really jumps out at me. Because "nagging" is usually actually just a woman having to remind a man to do the things that he said he would do that he just hasn't bothered to do. So he's doing bin and dishwasher. But if he doesn't do them.... is it nagging if you ask him to please do them as you need to clear up after dinner?

@Spohn excellent post. I also copied it onto another thread where I thought it might help.

Your DH sounds exactly like my ex. Unfortunately he thought 50:50 was purely a theoretical concept.

In the first year he changed precisely three nappies and only looked after ds when I put him in ex's lap, said 'I'm off to get my hair cut' and walked out. I talked, requested, arranged, negotiated, talked again. And again. And in the end, left.

Life as a single mum is much easier and more enjoyable than dealing with a selfish and lazy husband who thinks fatherhood is the same as being a single man, but with a child seat.

You need to explain to your dh that he will find himself on the scrap heap unless he steps up, because anger will eat away at your marriage.

He's not depressed.

He's a feckless shit is what he is.

He's figured out that it's easier for HIM to let YOU do everything. And bear in mind, he's quite happy for YOU to run yourself ragged, but god forbid HE lift a finger.

It's utter bullshit, op. He's taking you for a mug.

You're not just doing everything, you're the fucking project manager too!

Might be worth reminding him if he doesn't step up then when you separate he will have to cope 24 hours a day on his days without backup. It is hard but you're doing it so he should be pulling his weight too.

Men aren’t meant to be the main carers of small kids it’s always a mistake to try to force them into the role. It will only ever lead to disappointment and confusion.

Women who think otherwise are deluding themselves that it can be different.

Awww @HippoLover do their dicks prevent them from parenting? Do you think they have Man Brains that are too important for the drudgery of having a kid? 🤣

I hope you are joking. Men have arms and brains.

Having a penis is not a disability.

This cannot be said often enough.