Need to vent - lazy husband

[Rantyranty]

We have one child, a year old. A big issue since DS was born has been that I do the vast majority of childcare and night wakings. It was frustrating at times when I was on mat leave but now I’m back at work, I’m not happy and we have spoken about it several times. H pulls his weight for a week or so and then goes back to being too lazy to do anything.

So I decided rather than expecting H to do things proactively, I will ask him to do it.

Tonight was my day to pick up DS from nursery, which includes making dinner, giving him a bath and putting him to bed (somehow, even on H’s days to pick him up, I still end up doing half of those tasks, but that’s another thread). H came home and as I was putting DS to bed I asked him to do a load of DS’s washing. That was at half 7.

I had to log back on so left H in the living room. Popped in at 9ish and he’s lying on the sofa on his phone, with the laundry basket just sitting there. I didn’t say anything.

Went back in at 10pm, same sight.

H has just come to the study, looking absolutely shattered saying he is trying to stay awake for the washing but he’s struggling, and can I hang it up to dry.

Seriously, WTAF. He put the washing in just before midnight, and then wants me to hang it out when it’s done. The reason why I asked early on was because obviously it takes time for the washing to wash, and sitting on your phone on your arse all night will obviously mean the washing doesn’t get done.

DS is a terrible sleeper, and I have a very demanding job. But what has been the most difficult for me over the past year is not adjusting to life with a baby and a job, but H. I went into this thinking we would be 50/50 in terms of care (well, more me because of breastfeeding). I didn’t expect to end up being the primary caregiver who also looks after the house, with a part time assistant that needs directions and even then doesn’t help.

OP, I completely feel your pain.

On the washing one - I have had similar issues with DH. he'll be at home in the afternoon with the DC, but won't think to put washing on, then it's all sighs and woe-is-me because he's hanging washing up at 10pm while I'm on the couch watching tv. But I've learnt to simply ignore it. If he chooses to only put the washing on at 8pm, that's the result. It's not my problem.

In your case, the answer is to say, "no, I can't. So either go to bed now and get up early to hang it or hang it when it's finished."

But really, the issue is the disrespect. The assumption that you will do everything and the complete lack of understanding of how much you already do. And if that doesn't change then you're right, your relationship will die because lack of respect is, I believe, the single quickest way to lose a relationship.

He won't change. Leave him. You can aim for 50/50 so he will have to step up.

It sounds like he's totally checked out of the relationship. He knows he needs to change but he can't be fucked. This relationship is dead in the water.

‘Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.’ @wizardofaus

how would your life be more difficult if you discarded the bloke and he has to parent his kid and live in his own cesspit? Seems like a win/win.

Your husband actually thinks its okay to sit around all evening, and then put some washing on at midnight and demand you stay up to hang it out.

Does he see you as a person at all or just as a handy household appliance?

Have you used the,
"What, are you FIFTEEN?!" line on him yet?
God OP I feel for you.
And the reason mothers don't just leave baby with the father for a week in these circumstances is that very often the baby is just neglected - men can make new babies very easily and so don't always have much of a drive to look after the ones they have. Thanks, evolution (!)

Don't accommodate his laziness. Be direct and don't wait for him to be proactive. He's not doing it as he knows that you will do it and won't say anything. For example, on his days when he should be doing various tasks and doesn't, don't do them and remind him that they're his jobs that day. When he asks if you can hang up the washing, say no - he should have done it earlier. Do it back to him. For example, on his mornings when he's working bring the baby in to see him and wander off as you just need to do x, y, z. Then when he pulls you up on it tell him that you're doing exactly as he does and it will stop when he stops. You shouldn't have to ask him to do his jobs but unless and until he starts doing his fair share, you will probably have to.

Mine is like this. He works hard though. I decided to stop trying to earn and work equal to him and instead went part time and took on all the house stuff. Things are much better. The house is my area, the income is his. It saved our marriage. I like not having pressure to earn.

Exactly all of this. You're probably better off divorcing him op, he won't change and you're too late to not have kids with him.

Others should learn from this though, say no to kids unless they change. If they won't change, find someone else to have kids with if it's a deal breaker, you don't want to hope they'll change. They won't.

Stop doing things. Take his washing out and only wash yours and DC. Stop being a martyr.
These threads are always so confusing, was he always lazy? Or just suddenly start!?

Reducing your earning capacity and therefore ability to support yourself and your children isn't an ideal solution.

Ok please can someone help me with this because I want to scream!

Having another chat about H not pulling his weight. As per usual, he acknowledges what I’m saying and accepts it.

He then said that I should ask more, and that if there was a task that he was always doing and he felt it unfair, he would ask me. I explained I shouldn’t have to ask as it means the actual running of it all sits with me, but in any event, I took that approach with the laundry this week, and look what happened.

Again, he accepted I have a point, and then said that I asked him to do it too late, that if I asked him earlier in the evening, then he would have probably been slow about it still, but asking earlier means that it would have gone in the washing machine earlier.

Please, someone tell me. Does he actually have a point, or is he trying to defend himself by blaming it on me? I got annoyed and he said he’s just explaining himself. But to me, it’s like he’s blaming his laziness and incompetence on me.

Peoples replies have answered this already. He’s making a dick of you.

he is incredibly disrespectful of you, isnt he.

when he brings baby in to you in a morning, tell him firmly to take the baby out of the room.

i hope to god you said no when he asked you to do the washing. If not, stop being a mug.

be direct. ‘Why are you disrespecting me / disrespecting my time / adding to my workload / showing so little regard for my mental health / being a dick.’ Delete as appropriate.

He's being fucking ridiculous
What if he lived alone? Would he wait for the cat to tell him to do the washing? No, he would think oh, the clothes are dirty, perhaps I should wash them
Or would he just lie around in filth hoping the fridge magically filled itself
It's not rocket science, I've never been taught how to clean/do housework and I've lived on my own always. If it's dirty, you clean it. If it's out and it shouldn't be, you put it away
He's behaving like a child

I mean I've been with my partner 4 months and he gets up and makes the bed, washes any dishes and puts the kettle on because he knows what needs to be done

Oh God! Slippers of Doom.

Tell him you’re not his mother and as functioning adult he should be able to see what needs to be done. Either shape up or ship out.

He’s massively taking the piss and trying on all accounts manipulate you into doing stuff and avoid taking any parental/domestic responsibility.

OP, either he’ll do his share of domestic and parental duties or he can bugger off.

Tell him “we’ve had this discussion before and I’m not doing it”

Jesus. Tell him to grow up or get out.

Wouldn't be surprised if he scuffed his slippers and dawdled all the way back to his mother's house so she could do everything for him.

Proper got the ick now, and he's not even my husband.

Nope. It's depressing to see how often women on MN and on social media describe their husband or partner as 'helping' around the house. You're not the CEO (of domestic chores) and he is not the humble employee to whom you need to give directions.

Read up on strategic or weaponised incompetence.

Deeply unattractive!

Could be post natal depression if he was OK before.

We definitely had an issue with depression after the baby was born…we ended up in a position where I was doing everything because he was struggling with a new baby. And I’ve always felt that made it worse for me because it set the tone.

That's bullshit.

He needs to take more ownership of tasks, so that you're not the one telling him what to do (see how he is deflecting the blame back to you? It's your fault it didn't get done for not telling him about the laundry soon enough!). So you need to figure out a way to give him ownership.

I have a similar situation with my DP as he has ADHD and I am carrying too much of the mental load and household tasks/admin. A couple of weeks ago I really put my foot down and said something had to change. I think part of the issue is that we got into a parent/child dynamic, so I was always the one saying "X needs doing, please do it now". Basically being CEO of the house.

What has helped is sitting down together and going through ALL the household tasks that need doing, agreeing together which ones are most important, then dividing them up fairly between us. So DP now has responsibility for things like emptying the dishwasher and bins. The agreement is that I'm not allowed to "nag" him, but we also that we have to have a weekly meeting to review how it's going and discuss in an adult way what is/isn't working and how we can resolve the issues together.

DP does recognise that overall there is an issue with him not pulling his weight, his ADHD makes him forgetful and also react emotionally and negatively if he feels I'm nagging him constantly. So far this new approach seems to be working although it's only been a few weeks so time will tell.

I feel your pain but I did laugh out loud at the bit about him dragging his slippers! I know that sound!

I have had bouts of “just tell me what you want me to do” patter. It’s infuriating. I manage a lot of people at work and I’m not doing it at home too.

Are you past the more jovial “Come the fuck on Bridget” kind of approach? At times my husband falls back into the just prompt me at every turn. We have managed to laugh about it with me saying When people ask what I do I’m going to start saying I’m a full time fucking husband prompter. I took a step back from the constant prompting but at times I do point out you need to do the washing AND hang it up and load the dishwasher and unload (or whatever it is) so if you were smart like your wife you would stick the washing and dishy on now so you can fuck about on your phone/watch the telly while they are on. If you’re not smart like your wife you will not and then you will be up really late getting these things done. He doesn’t seem to naturally understand the most efficient order to do things in.

He has definitely got much better and probably definitely now does more housework than I do as my job is longer hours and more pressured than his. I had to point this out on many occasions before it penetrated that it wasn’t an even playing field where housework was concerned so it was never going to be 50/50 as our working hours/pressure wasn’t 50/50. It was annoying that this was not apparent to him and that I had to point it out but he has got it now.

Good luck.

@Rantyranty I think your husband is being a total plonker and yes, he's totally making you responsible for HIS imcompetence. The idea is that you are the "boss" and you were unreasonable to ask him for something at the last minute.

I have found that if a man is genuinely willing to listen and accept that he's being a bit shit (and yours is, at least, making the right noises, albeit not exactly doing a lot to SOLVE the problem, but let's take this at face value for now), the best way is NOT to ask him to "help" nor to share tasks and responsibilities but rather to agree that he is 100% responsible for certain things. You could agree this by type of activity - eg he is now responsible for washing, hanging up, folding up and putting away DC's clothes - or it could be by day eg on Monday and Wednesday mornings he is 100% responsible for getting DC up and ready for nursery and on Tuesdays/Thursdays/Fridays he is responsible for all afternoon related activities that include pick up, dinner, bath and bedtime and one load of washing.

As for the morning hair thing - tell him that every single time him and the baby disturb you, you will allow the baby to come into him whenever he wants to.