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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect people to keep the Santa thing going for a bit longer?

136 replies

Rainallnight · 05/07/2022 08:27

I’m not really sure if that’s my AIBU but here goes.

DD is 6 (just). In conversation yesterday, one of her friends told us that there’s no Santa, that mum and dad buy the presents. His mum was there and did a sort of gentle, eye rolly, ‘oh, (boy’s name)’.

I was aghast. She’s 6! And she has a younger brother. I thought we had at least two more years of Santa for her and I’d be upset if she stopped believing this year.

DD wasn’t paying attention and I’m not sure if she heard.

But now I’m thinking ahead to Christmas and realising this is going to be the chat at school.

I am a massive control freak and am tempted to text all the parents and ask them to ask their non-believers to keep a lid on it at school. But I wont!

I’m a huge Christmas sap and I’m just wondering what to do. I guess all I can do is to say to DD that some people don’t believe but we do.

Any thoughts? (I’m aware there’s a hardcore contingent who don’t ‘do’ Santa here - I’m not one of them)

OP posts:

CrispieCake · 05/07/2022 14:00

Chattycathydoll · 05/07/2022 10:28

It is bizarre. Lots of things we do with children are bizarre. Today I had a conversation with DD’s hand-pet, a cow named Abigail, about why she couldn’t eat our hedge. Abigail is a hand. I’d never have a conversation with someone else’s hand in any other setting, but kids are bizarre. I also believed in fairies and would talk to flowers as a small child in case there was a fairy inside. Don’t talk to strangers except fairies and Father Christmas seems a perfectly normal amount of bizarre for childhood.

I agree with this 😂. Young children have such a tenuous and self-centred grip on reality anyway.

Each to their own, but I'm not sure there's any need for a big "telling" of the truth in some dramatic and final manner, with no going back. When my DS starts asking questions, I'll take the advice of one poster and say, "Well, what do you think?". I may point out that, if there's no Santa, it's funny that presents just appear every year. If they twig, they twig, but neither confirm nor deny seems a good strategy.

Just like how we're not religious but our DC has several religious friends who go to church/mosque regularly. We've always gone down the line of "This is what X/Y believes and your daddy and I don't believe the same as them but it could be true and it's very interesting anyway, isn't it?" when asked about it. I wouldn't dream of discussing religion with my DC in a way which makes them feel justified in marching up to their friends and saying none of it's true/God doesn't exist, and I don't see why it's necessary to do this for Santa either.

Mally100 · 05/07/2022 14:07

SkankingWombat · 05/07/2022 13:12

It was a shitty thing for the other DC to do, and 6 is indeed young to find out. However, if it hadn't been him it would have been another DC either in her class or in the playground who took great pleasure in telling her. We have it every year! (It's usually the very enthusiastically Christian girl in DD1's class and her sister, whose DPs wouldn't be too chuffed if DD1 told her God was a crock of shit, I suspect. They take great pleasure in it every year) You need a script mentally prepared, much like the 'where do babies come from?' topic, so you aren't caught on the hop.
I also do the thing of asking what they think, never giving my own opinion, and asking questions like "OK, but if he wasn't real, where do the gifts in the stocking come from...? Someone must put them there. Who's eating the carrot and the mince pie? The cat definitely wouldn't be interested in those, so it can't be her." with a added hammy-acting confused face for effect 😬 The dots are all there when they are ready to connect them, but they can also continue to believe (or "believe") if they want. DD2 is 8yo and I suspect knew but chose to ignore it last year. It will be interesting to see if she plays along this year, but if she is open about not believing with me, I think she'll be up for keeping the magic alive for others.

It is absolutely NOT a shitty thing for a 6yo to do. They have found out it isn't true so why is it shitty for them to lie about it? I think it's ridiculous how people are distraught and dramatic over this. Alot of kids work this out very early on. And would you say a child of another religion is shitty because they don't believe in it? Give your head a wobble.

IrishMama2015 · 05/07/2022 14:23

@Mally100 yes I do think it would be a shitty thing to do if my DC went up to another DC and told them their religion/god wasn't real. It's on me to make sure my kids know to respect others beliefs and not to scorn or dismiss others beliefs and we have spoken about it many times re religion.

Goodskin46 · 05/07/2022 14:23

CantGetDecentNickname · 05/07/2022 09:46

A friend of mine when asked by his DC if Santa was real or not would simply say “well, what do you think? The child would say what they thought and his response would be “well, there you go then” as a way of agreeing with them. They were allowed to believe for as long as they wanted to.

This, this and this again. This is what my parents did and what I did with the DCs they are 15&18 and really quite bright. I am fairly sure they no longer believe, but I hide the stocking presents and wrap them out of their sight. I am fairly sure they don't believe in the tooth fairy either but we have never had that conversation.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/07/2022 14:27

I remember reading, in Libby Purves’ book How Not To Be A Perfect Mother, what her friend said in similar circumstances, @Rainallnight .

She said “well, some children stop believing in Father Christmas, and once you stop believing, he can’t bring you presents any more, but the parents don’t want the children to miss out, so they take over filling their children’s stockings.”

I think this means you can prolong the magic of believing in FC for your child, whilst explaining why children who don’t believe still get stocking presents.

SkankingWombat · 05/07/2022 22:15

Mally100 · 05/07/2022 14:07

Show quote history

No wobble needed and I feel neither distaught or dramatic. We're not one of the families who 'do' FC very much at all: stockings, mince pies left out, and a bit of NORAD before bed. We don't do the naughty elves, or footprints, or insist all the gifts come from him. In fact, we've never even taken the DCs to see him. I'll be fine with it when DCs decide to no longer believe, but I think it should be in their time when they're ready to let go of the magic.
Of course it's shitty to purposely spoil someone else's magic. It's totally OK for the 6yo to not believe, but their parents should be reminding them to keep the information to themselves and of the hurt that can be caused to their friends. There is no need to share it and spoil other's fun.

I wouldn't say any child of any religion is shitty for not believing. They can believe what they like. The shitty part is taking pleasure in causing others distress. In the example I cited, religion comes into it because it is actively and firmly drilled in at home that FC isn't real as a part of their faith. The family believes in evangelising to such an extent that their DCs come into school and take great pleasure in announcing to all that it isn't real. That's a really nasty (and somewhat un-Christian) thing to do.

TambourineOfRepentance · 05/07/2022 23:33

I don't remember ever really believing in it. I do remember my first year in Primary school when we'd been doing CAFOD collections all week before the Christmas break and then had the supply teacher talk to us excitedly about Father Christmas.

He didn't have an answer to why a man who could fly around the world delivering presents didn't give any food to the people we'd been collecting for. I was just told to please stop talking to the other children about it.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 13/12/2022 07:44

DiamanteDelia · 05/07/2022 08:32

I think from that age it’s unavoidable that kids will know and talk about it- many will have heard from older siblings. Not much you can do really. Definitely don’t text everyone!

IME as children move from believing to not believing there’s a period is suspended disbelief- they know it’s not really true but they still enjoy the pretence and it still feels magical for both you and them. And then of course they get much bigger and properly know it’s not real, but by that point they get the fun of it and can join in helping make things special for younger siblings or cousins.

It’s all good. Definitely not something to get upset or stressed about.

This. Spot on reply. No need to stress, go with the flow

fUNNYfACE36 · 14/12/2022 14:16

oldwhyno · 05/07/2022 11:03

A child believing in a bit of Christmas magic is a wonderful thing. Anyone that seeks to spoil that deliberately or through indifferent negligence is a twat.

What, even if they are 5 or 6 years old themselves?

Itsoktogiveup · 14/12/2022 15:03

YABU.

If you wanna go along with this weird gaslighty conspiracy to lie to children and encourage them to be thrilled that a strange man might sneak into their bedroom with gifts, you do you, but you have no right to insist that the rest of the world go along with your nonsense.

EndlessRain1 · 14/12/2022 15:06

Do not tell other people how to parent their children. I would not be pleased to receive a message like that and would be tempted to, but wouldn't of course, tell your child the truth myself. You cannot demand that parents - essentially - lie to their children because it suits your agenda.

It's an important lesson for later life, that people believe different things.

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