To expect people to keep the Santa thing going for a bit longer?

[Rainallnight]

I’m not really sure if that’s my AIBU but here goes.

DD is 6 (just). In conversation yesterday, one of her friends told us that there’s no Santa, that mum and dad buy the presents. His mum was there and did a sort of gentle, eye rolly, ‘oh, (boy’s name)’.

I was aghast. She’s 6! And she has a younger brother. I thought we had at least two more years of Santa for her and I’d be upset if she stopped believing this year.

DD wasn’t paying attention and I’m not sure if she heard.

But now I’m thinking ahead to Christmas and realising this is going to be the chat at school.

I am a massive control freak and am tempted to text all the parents and ask them to ask their non-believers to keep a lid on it at school. But I wont!

I’m a huge Christmas sap and I’m just wondering what to do. I guess all I can do is to say to DD that some people don’t believe but we do.

Any thoughts? (I’m aware there’s a hardcore contingent who don’t ‘do’ Santa here - I’m not one of them)

I am a massive control freak and am tempted to text all the parents and ask them to ask their non-believers to keep a lid on it at school. But I wont!

Phew.

I don't think it's a big deal. Kids like christmas because of presents (and, I guess, the surrounding atmosphere). That's not going to change.

@user29 - it's magical so what is the issue really?!

That’s awful! That’s so young. Childhood is so fleeting, Santa is fun and I am pro-the magic of Christmas! I’m prepared for when this happens to me: ‘well of course HIS parents bring him toys - Santa only brings to those who believe. So he doesn’t believe, he wouldn't get pressies if his parents didn’t bring them for him, and he’d be left out’

I think that the idea that no child should spoil the Father Christmas myth for other children assumes a level of cultural homogeneity that simply doesn’t exist. Many children don’t celebrate Christmas. Father Christmas doesn’t visit every child in the UK. Should those kids lie to protect the beliefs of the kids who do believe (or the parents who want their children to believe).

Adults shouldn’t spoil the Father Christmas myth for children, but children will talk freely among themselves about their home life and what they do and don’t believe in.

Oh well, you've still got the Hunnukah Armidilo.
Of course you're being unreasonable. Parents will literally laugh if you tell them to ask their kids to lie so your precious little darling can believe the lie. And literally nobody will do it. Some parents might be inclined to encourage their DCZ to tell her or talk about it at the school gates in response to your sheer ridiculousness.
Many families don't do Christmas. Some do Christmas but not Santa. Some treat Santa as a story but not real. Perhaps they should text you asking yours to keep quiet about their Santa beliefs, their reasons would be just as valid.
In reality of course, you can't control other people. Given they're real people and not puppets.

This post is perfect 😄😍

I wouldn't tell my child some people don't believe but we do because that is a lie, because we don't believe and it's also the line we use around religion so would get rather complicated!

I do like the idea that Santa lives in our imagination just like any other fictional character, and to be honest I've always liked that wonderful twee letter about how Santa is the spirit of Christmas and when you find out the truth you become Santa as well as you keep the magic going for other through pretending.

I am a massive control freak and am tempted to text all the parents and ask them to ask their non-believers to keep a lid on it at school. But I wont!
The only way this would be fair would be if no child was allowed to discuss cultural beliefs at school.

The boy should have been taught to respect others' beliefs and only state what he did or did not believe himself or what his own family's Christmas traditions were. However, he was a young child, and you could have stepped in and told your daughter that his parents may buy his presents but Father Christmas brings hers as different families do things differently.

Of course its not going to traumatise a child. As a child of the late 80s/early 90s I look back now and think wow my parents went to such lengths for us out of love. There wasn't much money but we had the most wonderful Christmas memories.

As an adult dealing with serial abuse from a relative when I was also a child I can tell you which memory has traumatised me more.

I think unfortunately it’s the reality these days. I must have been 6 or 7 when someone told me. My daughter is 5 and I’m hoping to get this year in…but not optimistic for next year…

Aw, I don't think it's despicable at all. It was never said to threaten, only to allow me to keep believing, which I really wanted to do. As soon as I was old enough, I stopped believing with no worries about Santa not coming, and just participated in the fun for my younger brother.

They all get an inkling at some point especially from friends with older siblings. I think you are worrying too much. We kept the magic going with "do you want to risk not believing, because I don't suppose Santa will deliver if you don't believe in him". They knew, we knew that they knew but we all kept the fun aspect going. And the stocking and one gift was from Santa, the rest from us and family. They enjoyed the magic for years way beyond when they knew it was just make believe. We all kept up the pretence because it was fun. Just like PP's who said they still did the mince pies and carrots for Rudolph etc. I know some people don't agree but that's for them and their family. Seems to me every family has a different way of tackling it.

As a child of the late 80s/early 90s I look back now and think wow my parents went to such lengths for us out of love.

Same here. Wonderful memories that I'm relishing recreating for my own children.

Having said that, you can't expect everyone to facilitate the story and there are always children who tell others santa doesn't exist, even in cultures where it's a widespread practice. You need a story to counter that. My parents told me they couldn't possibly afford the presents and that stacked up to me 😆.

I agree that children willingly suspend disbelief for a period of time. They want to believe. So it's not actually very easy for other children to ruin it for them.

It's fine for other people to choose not to facilitate the belief of Santa but I don't think they should spoil the magic for others .

but I don't think they should spoil the magic for others

Regardless of whether they should or shouldn't, you have no control over it, so best to have a way of dealing with it.

Totally confused... because clearly Santa is real!

But hasn’t it always been the way? When I was a child thought it was only in children’s books and Edwardian nurseries where anyone believed over the age of five.

But what did you expect the mum to do in front of you and your daughter? If their family don't do FC, then she could hardly lie to her son and say 'Oh, don't be silly, David, of course FC is real', and if she'd said 'Oh David, I told you that other children believe in FC and it's very unkind to tell them about the parents giving presents' that would just have made it even more obvious to your daughter. So what could she actually say when a fellow 6 year old let slip how things are done in his house? It's scarcely the mother's fault and you can't really blame the 6 year old. What do you actually expect to happen at that moment?

FWIW, we never did FC, but I told dc as soon as they were in school and mixing with other children something along the lines of 'some people believe in FC, we don't upset them by saying we don't', and they seemed to understand. There were a few questions back and forth, but no problems. I don't think any of my dc ever 'ruined' it for anyone else, I didn't hear about it if they did, but if they had then I wouldn't have been particularly apologetic. I explained to them what to do, if they slipped up at 4, 5, 6 years old then what can you do, I can't constantly be policing my kids' thoughts. To be honest, at pre-school and young school age, if I had to choose one message to focus on, I'd rather they accidentally upset someone else than got confused thinking they should be keeping secrets.

At a similar age, my dc started meeting people who didn't share our religious beliefs. It's a pretty easy conversation to have to explain that we believe x but not everybody does. And it's an ongoing conversation which will keep coming back for years. How would you feel if I texted the WhatsApp group with 'I'm aware that some of you aren't Christian, but we are and we feel it would ruin dc's childhood if any of your dc said anything about it to my dc. Please can you make sure your children don't say they don't believe in Jesus, at least until my child is 8 or 9 and will be able to handle it. TIA.' ?

It was a shitty thing for the other DC to do, and 6 is indeed young to find out. However, if it hadn't been him it would have been another DC either in her class or in the playground who took great pleasure in telling her. We have it every year! (It's usually the very enthusiastically Christian girl in DD1's class and her sister, whose DPs wouldn't be too chuffed if DD1 told her God was a crock of shit, I suspect. They take great pleasure in it every year) You need a script mentally prepared, much like the 'where do babies come from?' topic, so you aren't caught on the hop.
I also do the thing of asking what they think, never giving my own opinion, and asking questions like "OK, but if he wasn't real, where do the gifts in the stocking come from...? Someone must put them there. Who's eating the carrot and the mince pie? The cat definitely wouldn't be interested in those, so it can't be her." with a added hammy-acting confused face for effect 😬 The dots are all there when they are ready to connect them, but they can also continue to believe (or "believe") if they want. DD2 is 8yo and I suspect knew but chose to ignore it last year. It will be interesting to see if she plays along this year, but if she is open about not believing with me, I think she'll be up for keeping the magic alive for others.

I was pretty annoyed about being lied to when my siblings told me. It did help later when I moved here and there were kids from richer backgrounds. I don't understand how British parents can keep it hidden when some can afford very little compared to others.

BUT I do think it is a bigger thing in Ireland than UK though

I agree. I also notice a distinction between the responses saying "Father Christmas was never a big deal in our house. He brought an organic bamboo naibrush and we got the rest from our parents. I did not feel it affected the magic of Christmas at all when I found out he wasn't real." and the posters who got space rocks, Barbies, light sabres, chopper bikes and roller skates from Santa/Santy and found it exciting and magical. My mum didn't approve of Barbie but Santa got me one. Proof? I think so.

If I never had that belief I'm sure I would say it wasn't important, but I did and I am grateful. Life is long and there are plenty of years to be a sober realist.

I probably wouldn't be comfortable telling my child what they can and can't discuss with their friends at school to be honest. We have never done the Santa thing for various reasons, but I don't think I could think of a good reason to tell my children that they had to lie to their friends. I always teach them that lying is wrong so it would send them really mixed signs if i suddenly told them they need to lie about this.

It would be pretty unreasonable to try and police other parents in this way, IMO.

Surely we coach dc about what it is and isn't socially acceptable to talk with friends about all the time? We don't comment on someone's big nose, or make fun of people with disabilities, or any number of other things. My dc have a little girl from Ukraine joining their class, and I have absolutely told them it is not OK to ask her questions about her experiences in the war.

Now, I appreciate talking about santa is not the same level of severity, but the principle is the same. It is unkind, so it is OK to coach dc not to upset others.

(Sorry, the above was in response to pps saying they don't tell their dc what they can talk about).

I just told my kids that once you stop believing, he stops coming. Then the mums and dads have to buy and they would get much less presents because there was no way on earth that Mummy would be able to afford all that Santa brings.

So, if a kid at school says there's no Santa and the Mums and Dad's do it then my kids felt sorry for them cause they thought those kids would get less pressies.