What advice would you give your mid 40s self?

[RetrainRetrain]

Following on from the mid-20s thread, I wonder advice people would give their mid-40s self?

I was always trying to stop biting my nails. When I unfriended my "bestie' and stopped trying to fix my relationship with my mother... I suddenly had nice nails!

Same. Have three Dc's, parents and Morher inlaw who all need looking after. I am my mother in law's carer. She has dementia. It works for our family unit.

It definitely does, I’m 43 no family history/medical reason for hitting it so early. I’m active (4/5 hiit classes a week swimming) but was becoming absolutely drained and not sleeping more than an hour a time for last year or so. I never linked to menopause until I started having hot flushes AKA the hotter than hell bursts. After 2 blood tests 6 weeks apart it was confirmed, started on patches and the hot flushes disappeared within 2 weeks and gradually felt more like myself. It may need higher dosage as I age but the difference is amazing.
please push for the blood tests, you definitely shouldn’t put up with feeling rubbish day after day 💐

She may have passed young but had a good life. I’m a carer and see people living beyond 100 but they have no quality of life. I may be wrong but I feel your mum is right x

Take care of your relationship with your husband. If it doesn't;t feel right, there is a reason.

Move. And find a life for yourself in your new country.

Take care of yourself. No one else is going to take care of you.

Don't go on any unrealistic diets, just eat as healthy as you can, and allow the occasional treat.

Exercise but don't do it excessively.

Sort out any hormone issues as soon as they become an issue and don't let your GP fob you off with just antidepressants.

Stop worrying about what others think about you (if this is still an issue) they are all busy worrying about their own issues.

This is the hardest part. You won't always feel this tired, drained, depressed and pulled in 100 directions.
Keep at it with your DC and teens, keep listening to them and laughing with them, make time even when you're exhausted. In ten years time you'll reap what you've sown and your adult DC will be your friends.
Listen properly to your parents stories so you wont forget the details when there's no one left to ask.
You haven't lost your looks. You've temporarily mislaid them and will find them again when you have more time and disposable income.
A lot of the damage you feel you've done to yourself is reversible by cleaning up your act. Ditching alcohol and junk food and looking after your body. Its never too late.
Your experiences will matter more than the size of your house. Downsize and enjoy!
Stick with your long term female friends even if they seem moany or disinterested. They feel like you do, and when you feel better, they likely will too, and you'll share fun and support again.
Don't fear the menopause. You'll be lucky. Your looks won't 'fall off a cliff'. Get this peri business out of the way and some HRT and you'll be like a 30 year old again.
You think the best us behind you, it's not, it's still to come.

Stop eating shit. Start lifting weights. Do yoga or pilates. Sort your pension out. Get off your lazy arse.

I'm in my late forties and have pretty much wasted them.

Never too late to start.

Don't waste your time or energy on people that you know are not real friends.

Focus on good skincare, 50 spf and a good serum at night, good moisturiser.

The aldi range among other well priced ones are excellent.

Everything you do for your skin in one decade will serve you in the next, best skincare advice from my friends dermatologist husband.

Take the menopause seriously.

Get your shit together before it arrives........ because when it does, your tolerance for those things and people that irritate and stress you, will complete evaporate!

Start looking after yourself and being kind to yourself, because the menopause can be very challenging if you don't, for yourself and those you live with!

Don’t get married again. Keep your money.
Say yes to everything as long as it’s not bad for your health. You regret things you don’t do far more than things you do.
Exercise. This is the point in your life when it really matters and it will massively help your mental health and resilience.
Stop trying to please everyone and do things for everyone. Particularly men. Let them sort themselves out.
Drinking has diminishing returns after 40. It’s rarely worth it.

That big decision you are asked to make at 45, say no. It will alter the course of your life and marriage and saying no will save you a lot of angst and unhappiness.

Get on HRT
Start using Tretinoin
Wear SPF every day
Stop eating sugar
Find a lover

You’re not ever going to get pregnant now so stop thinking about it and get on with your life.

When it comes to sex, variety is the spice of life. And spicy sex is good.

This

Eat better for now and for later. Keep active. Drink water. Retrain if work is getting you down.

I'm trying to do all the above!

And the sad one ... I would go back to my thirties and realise that my marriage wasn't going to get better. I would leave while I still could. I would do therapy back then too.

Appreciate your husband more. He's working every hour there is so you can stay home with the children and providing for you all is important to him - it's his love language. It may not be what you want, but sit him down and talk about it. DON'T SULK!
Appreciate your children more. They can be a total pain, but you are so blessed to have them and difficult phases pass.
Appreciate your health more. One day you won't be able to stride up the hills without spending most of the next few days on the sofa (Damn you, Long Covid!)
If you are going through really difficult times right now, remember that it will pass. Pray about it. Deal with it as best you can and hold your head up high. You are very, very precious.

Don't be obsessed with your mobile phone in your mid-30s. Don't use it to video your children, especially when climbing up a ladder with your daughter on a wooden play area, then you won't bang your head, get post concussion syndrome, and avoid a huge mental breakdown.

Then you'll avoid being given horrible neurotoxic antipsychotic medication off label for severe anxiety and insomnia that will injure you and give you a debilitating neurological involuntary movement disorder.

Cherish your health, to help avoid all of this and you will have a much happier and healthy lifestyle and 40s. You can always get another video of your children any time, but not in a risky way. You won't ever get your precious health or brain back to how it once was ever again.

As the guy who wrote "Sunscreen" said: Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. You'll miss it when it's gone 🥺😭💔

For some of us there was/is no hope. Always moisturised my neck and then I saw THE PHOTO which was not dissimilar to the one you posted. The horror of it! I don't really have a problem with ageing, there's nothing you can do about it, but I'd never seen my neck from that angle and it shocked me. I'm over it now 😀

Following so that I can read through all the advice!

That sounds so hard.
You poor woman.

Health is definitely your wealth and late 40's and your 50's become a real sniper alley which can be a real shocker to get your head around.

My healthiest, slimest, non smoking, little or no drinking friends got cancer.

They lived very clean lives, but all were very stressed with big careers, a huge business, a dying husband and a husband whose business failed....huge stress.

So try to manage your stress as best you can, even though it is not always possible.

Try and love your body, it changes in your 40's and that can be a shock, but it is the only one you have and it is important to have gratitude for it even if it isn't quite as fit looking as before.

Every birthday is a blessing🙏

Just lost my mum in January. This is the best advice here .

Yes I have just lost a parent, very suddenly. Go and see them while you can, make time for them while you can. Tell them anything you would have wished they knew if you didn’t get the chance to see them before they went.

I have lost a parent suddenly too so understand what you are saying (above). However, I appreciate my mum and hug and speak to her all the time but she stills drives me mad! I am 45 and my advice to myself is not to take what my mum (or anyone) says to heart so much, go on holiday with just my husband and kids more and start swimming again.