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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why won't he marry me?!

120 replies

PinkPanther87 · 04/07/2022 19:29

I've been with DP around 12 years and we have two DC, aged 5 and 3. Aside from the standard bickering and occasional bad moods we have a brilliant relationship. He is supportive and a real partner in every way. We share all household chores, life admin, childcare etc. And have completely joint and transparent finances (just 1 account which everything goes into and we are free to use on what we want, bar larger purchases which we chat through) - this was also the case while I was on mat leave and for the period when DC were younger and I worked part time. We have wills leaving everything to each other and are named as beneficiaries on each others pension and death in service. We also own our home jointly.

We have always talked about marriage as something we would do in the future but decided to have children first, which I was happy to do. I've now got to the point where I want us to be married. I brought this up with DP who told me he doesn't actually see himself ever getting married. He loves me, is committed to me but something about being married is stopping him and he doesn't think he can get past it. He thought he would feel differently after children but he doesn't. He hasn't given any real reason for this, just his gut is saying it isn't for him.

I don't know how to get past this to be honest. I feel as though he has led me on for a decade whilst getting everything he wants out of a relationship and has put me in a position of now having children with someone who won't provide me the security of marriage. I'm struggling to fully explain to him why I want to be married, when day to day nothing much would change, but I know its important to me and I have always been clear on that.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did anyone get over this?

OP posts:

ElbowsandArses · 04/07/2022 19:32

So what would marriage actually give you that you don't have now? Marriages can end. He is clearly committed to you. You have legal and financial protections in place (which is actually what marriage is: a legal contract). I think both of you hold views about marriage which personally I don't: getting to the bottom of what it "means" to you (both) has to be the way forwards. Counselling together?

SafeMove · 04/07/2022 19:37

DP proposed a week ago today. He wants to get married next year so we started looking at organising a wedding - they are RIDICULOUS. The cheapest quote we have got for 50 people during day and another 25 at night is 7k. So maybe ask him is it the wedding putting him off ir the marriage? I want a good marriage but I don't want a stupid wedding. Maybe your DP feels the same?

Fenella123 · 04/07/2022 19:38

The cynical would say he wants to keep the door open to walk away for a "better option" and only pay CMS, rather than have his pension, savings, equity in the house partly handed over to you (whose career and earning power has been adversely affected by looking after your hobby pets his children).

I don't know what to do any more than you do. Is this just him being a temporary jerk, or does it speak to a fundamental lack of love and commitment?

Wolfiefan · 04/07/2022 19:41

So he lied to you and said he wanted kids first then said actually he had never wanted to be married? That’s pretty crap.

Paq · 04/07/2022 19:45

He simply doesn't feel the need to! You didn't put your foot down pre-kids.

Are you financially protected?

Clymene · 04/07/2022 19:46

What's your relative income? Pension provision?

Badger1970 · 04/07/2022 19:46

It doesn't have to be a big wedding - when you're committed as a family with kids and a house, it's literally window dressing so I'd have a real issue with someone who was refusing that part. It would also make life much more difficult for the surviving partner if you died without being married.

Is it bothering you enough to walk away? I think I'd feel as if I'd been lied to for a very long time........

Getoffmyshoes · 04/07/2022 19:47

He hasn't given any real reason for this, just his gut is saying it isn't for him.

That’s a pretty powerful statement OP, that his gut is saying he doesn’t want to marry you.

I’ll probably get flamed for this but I think there’s an absolutely minute number of men who are genuinely opposed to marriage, and most would willingly marry if the right person came along. My own DH was a marriage non-believer apparently - he proposed over just after a year and booked the wedding within a month after that. His close friend was also with his ex for eight years and had a child with her and just “didn’t believe in marriage”, he’s now married to a new woman after only two years!

CandyLeBonBon · 04/07/2022 19:48

ElbowsandArses · 04/07/2022 19:32

Legal and financial protection, for one? To whomever is the lower earner.

TheVillageElder · 04/07/2022 19:49

@PinkPanther87
Sadly, if marriage is the be all end all, then this needs to be from the outset, before moving in, having children etc.
Noone is obliged to marry because they thought that they would want to once they had children. It is not obligatory or a contract.
Sadly, if he has changed his mind, you really now have to make up your mind. If its solely about security, then put things on place, re the splitting of the house etc in the event of splitting. If it's bigger than that or he won't, then really your choices are split or put up with it. Some would say chip away at him till he agrees, but to me that's even worse to be in a marriage he didn't want to start with....

CandyLeBonBon · 04/07/2022 19:50

You have legal and financial protections in place (which is actually what marriage is: a legal contract).

What legal and financial protections does the op currently have in place? I didn't see any mentioned?

zen1 · 04/07/2022 19:51

Could you have a civil partnership instead of a marriage?

ScreamingBeans · 04/07/2022 19:51

He lied to you. He doesn't need to marry you to get the benefits he already has. And this way he gets to keep his pension if you split up.

MrsGluck · 04/07/2022 19:51

Marriage gives you more security. He could change his will tomorrow. Ditto the pension and death in service.

Sounds like he never had any intention of marrying you, sorry OP.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/07/2022 19:52

SafeMove · 04/07/2022 19:37

That's the cost of a wedding. Not a marriage. You can get married for next to nothing.

coodawoodashooda · 04/07/2022 19:52

I'm divorced. I used to be a hardened marriage supporter. Not anymore. Now I think it is a hellish commitment. I have clear reasons why. Your dp doesn't. I'd say he is playing you. He isn't against marriage. He's against marriage to you. Sorry.

TheVillageElder · 04/07/2022 19:54

Fenella123 · 04/07/2022 19:38

I don't know what to do any more than you do. Is this just him being a temporary jerk, or does it speak to a fundamental lack of love and commitment?

And why is that such a bad thing?
If it was your son, wouldn't you want for him to pay at least the minimum expected and to be as adversely impacted by the split financially as possible? Why should it be so hard for men to be able to restart their lives whilst women expect the lion's share of the equity, pension etc, even taking into account time out for parenting etc, it rarely equates to this. And this inequality is even more unfair when shared care of the children post separation is more common.

Bells3032 · 04/07/2022 19:58

Sorry to put it blunt but the old saying goes "why buy the cow when you can drink the milk for free". After 12 years together what benefit does he get to marrying you now? Other than inheritance tax (if there's more than 350 equity for you) and automatic right to make your health decisions if you are incapacitated there's not much in it for him. He stands to loose more than he gains.

Sadly it seems to happen again and again on these boards. If you want to get married that foot needs to be down before kids and long term cohabitation not after it.

Merryclaire · 04/07/2022 19:59

Assuming you have a will in place there is one big financial issue here - if one of you dies, the other would have to pay inheritance tax.

Personally I would feel like it wasn’t marriage he was unsure about, but me.

It rings alarm bells that he wouldn’t put your desire for marriage above his ambivalence to it.

Might not be a popular opinion, but I’d be tempted to give him an ultimatum. If he says still no to marriage, then you have you answer and can move on to someone who actually wants the same things.

Yes, it’s forcing his hand, but otherwise you’ll drive yourself crazy not knowing if it’s you or marriage that he doesn’t want.

tomatopsste · 04/07/2022 19:59

Merryclaire · 04/07/2022 19:59

Assuming you have a will in place there is one big financial issue here - if one of you dies, the other would have to pay inheritance tax.

Personally I would feel like it wasn’t marriage he was unsure about, but me.

It rings alarm bells that he wouldn’t put your desire for marriage above his ambivalence to it.

Might not be a popular opinion, but I’d be tempted to give him an ultimatum. If he says still no to marriage, then you have you answer and can move on to someone who actually wants the same things.

Yes, it’s forcing his hand, but otherwise you’ll drive yourself crazy not knowing if it’s you or marriage that he doesn’t want.

This depends on the value of the estate of course.

2pinkginsplease · 04/07/2022 20:01

He probably sees it that He doesn’t need to marry you he has everything he wants without that final commitment!

DelphiniumBlue · 04/07/2022 20:12

Your earnings and earning capacity have taken a hit with maternity leave and part-time work in order to look after the children. He promised to marry you which means you would have got compensated in the event of divorce. He's now saying he doesn't think you should get that compensation. Check how you own the house - I suspect if it's as tenants -in -common you may be hit with IHT on his death as the spouse exemption wouldn't apply were you to inherit from him , rather than just being the survivor of joint owners. (If your shares were specified then it's tenants-in-common).
You also don't have the right to make next-of-kin type decisions for each other ( eg in the event of accident/emergency) if you remain unmarried.
And of course either of you can change your will at any time- for example if he was to find another partner, he could leave everything he has to her and you couldn't do anything about it. You will be in the uncomfortable position of having to keep him sweet so you don't lose out financially.
Quite honestly his attitude is that of a player. If you don't want to split if you remain unmarried, you will certainly need to have your wits about you, and what jumps out is that you have already started paying the penalty ( unless he has already paid your missing pension contributions and contributed to savings on your behalf while you have been on the mommy track).

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 04/07/2022 20:18

If he was going to marry you, he'd have done it years ago before having children.

12 years and two children later, it's unlikely he'll bother now. He might marry you if you keep pestering him about it, you might eventually persuade him. Maybe an ultimatum would work. But then even if he agreed you'd always know that he married you reluctantly and because he felt forced into it.

I'm sorry he doesn't want to marry you. I'm not sure why it's important to you now but it wasn't important back when you first started getting serious about the relationship. I guess people change over time and you have to decide if no marriage is a deal breaker for you.

coodawoodashooda · 04/07/2022 20:19

I'd want power of attorney minimum

Original poster

PinkPanther87 · 04/07/2022 20:20

I earn slightly more and he has a slightly higher pension. We both earn six figures and the difference in earnings and pension is less than £10k so not a huge amount relatively (although I do believe my earning potential has been hit with mat leave and a portion of part time work).

I do get those saying I should have put my foot down pre-kids but it wasn't that big a deal to either of us. If he has said years ago this is how he felt I would still have stayed with him and had children with him. It's just now I've made the point and this is his response I feel I've been lied to for so long and I'm rethinking everything I thought I knew.

It rings alarm bells that he wouldn’t put your desire for marriage above his ambivalence to it.
This is almost how I feel. Why can't he do this one thing that matters to me.

OP posts:

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