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Original poster

Why won't he marry me?!

120 replies

PinkPanther87 · 04/07/2022 19:29

I've been with DP around 12 years and we have two DC, aged 5 and 3. Aside from the standard bickering and occasional bad moods we have a brilliant relationship. He is supportive and a real partner in every way. We share all household chores, life admin, childcare etc. And have completely joint and transparent finances (just 1 account which everything goes into and we are free to use on what we want, bar larger purchases which we chat through) - this was also the case while I was on mat leave and for the period when DC were younger and I worked part time. We have wills leaving everything to each other and are named as beneficiaries on each others pension and death in service. We also own our home jointly.

We have always talked about marriage as something we would do in the future but decided to have children first, which I was happy to do. I've now got to the point where I want us to be married. I brought this up with DP who told me he doesn't actually see himself ever getting married. He loves me, is committed to me but something about being married is stopping him and he doesn't think he can get past it. He thought he would feel differently after children but he doesn't. He hasn't given any real reason for this, just his gut is saying it isn't for him.

I don't know how to get past this to be honest. I feel as though he has led me on for a decade whilst getting everything he wants out of a relationship and has put me in a position of now having children with someone who won't provide me the security of marriage. I'm struggling to fully explain to him why I want to be married, when day to day nothing much would change, but I know its important to me and I have always been clear on that.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did anyone get over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPanther87 · 04/07/2022 20:22

Sorry to clarify -when I say wasn't that big a deal, more that I wasn't fussed about a big white wedding but it was something I definitely wanted to do in a small way at some point in the future and I was clear on that.

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 04/07/2022 20:24

I feel as though he has led me on for a decade whilst getting everything he wants out of a relationship and has put me in a position of now having children with someone who won't provide me the security of marriage.

If you're the higher earner anyway, what security to you expect to get out of marriage that you don't already have now?

Ultimately, if marriage was something that you wanted out of a relationship then it would logically have come earlier down the line than now. Why is it suddenly so important to you?

ZaraSizeMedium · 04/07/2022 20:25

The deception would be the killer for me.

We have always talked about marriage as something we would do in the future but decided to have children first, which I was happy to do

So actually, while talking a good game to you something about being married is stopping him and he doesn't think he can get past it. He thought he would feel differently after children

He was bullshitting you all along. He knew before having the children that he felt this way about marriage. I bet the children have his surname too.

He basically duped you to get the relationship he wanted on the terms he wanted.

SarahKennedy · 04/07/2022 20:25

ElbowsandArses · 04/07/2022 19:32

So what would marriage actually give you that you don't have now? Marriages can end. He is clearly committed to you. You have legal and financial protections in place (which is actually what marriage is: a legal contract). I think both of you hold views about marriage which personally I don't: getting to the bottom of what it "means" to you (both) has to be the way forwards. Counselling together?

Marriage would give the OP a cast-iron guarantee that she and her children will be ok if one of them dies, or if they split up. There's no need for a fancy wedding - ex husband and I didn't have one, as neither of us gives a shit about that kind of thing, but being married meant that I was not destitute when we got divorced. It's not about romantic notions regarding commitment or happy-ever-after - it's about hard facts that the person (whether that be the mum or the dad) who has taken the hit career/income wise due to having children needs to make sure they are compensated if it comes to the crunch.

PlanetNormal · 04/07/2022 20:28

Civil partnership would appear to be the obvious compromise here, OP. Just the legal document with no ‘wedding’. Is that something you could both live with?

Fireflygal · 04/07/2022 20:30

@PinkPanther87, Good that your pensions are equitable.

Do the children have his name? Could you suggest they double barrell as really should only have his name if married. That wpuld be a compromise, no marriage no single surname.

Notimeforaname · 04/07/2022 20:31

Changing ones mind is not actually lying.

You say you both spoke about marriage being in your future eventually. Now that it has been revisited, he's telling you he doesn't want to.

I'm not sure how you can convince him to marry you. I do feel for you op. But as you say, you have a wonderful life/relationship together as it is.

He may come round to the idea, he may not.

I would still keep an open dialogue and bring it up from time to time , not to have go... but to invite him to be honest, speak a bit more on it. You may work something out together.

EmilyBolton · 04/07/2022 20:31

ElbowsandArses · 04/07/2022 19:32

So what would marriage actually give you that you don't have now? Marriages can end. He is clearly committed to you. You have legal and financial protections in place (which is actually what marriage is: a legal contract). I think both of you hold views about marriage which personally I don't: getting to the bottom of what it "means" to you (both) has to be the way forwards. Counselling together?

She doesn’t have legal and financial protection. He could walk out tomorrow and take all assets in his name and half of joint assets. If she has less she has no rights at all.
whilst she may be listed as pension beneficiary in event of his death, pension companies do not have to follow this is not legally married- it is an expression of wishes only. Nor would she be able to claim any pension sharing order if they split up.

unless they have POA as well as a will, she has no rights if he is mentally incapacitated- she is not his legal next of kin. The legal next of kin can make decisions she doesn’t agree with.

marriage is as you say a legal contract. And a financial contract. Whilst you can put in place things like wills, and POA to afford protection, as far as the law is concerned what is his remains his, and what is hers remains hers. Courts in this country do not recognise “prenuptial” arrangements or common law wife type stuff. The only joint assets are assets in both there names.

Original poster
PinkPanther87 · 04/07/2022 20:32

The deception and feeling of being led on this whole time is really what I'm struggling with i think. Which is hard because he honestly isn't a jerk or a player or anything like what this probably makes him sound like!

The kids both have my surname although I wasn't bothered about it, I'm not sure why it's given so much weight on MN when we are both equal parents, but wider family politics just meant it made more sense to have my name.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/07/2022 20:34

He was bullshitting you all along. He knew before having the children that he felt this way about marriage. I bet the children have his surname too.

He basically duped you to get the relationship he wanted on the terms he wanted

So theres no chance he could have just changed his mind? Hes definitely been planning this for over a decade?

SarahKennedy · 04/07/2022 20:38

PlanetNormal · 04/07/2022 20:28

Civil partnership would appear to be the obvious compromise here, OP. Just the legal document with no ‘wedding’. Is that something you could both live with?

That's a register office wedding by another name! It's a great way to be married. It solves the legal bit without any of the awful sideshow. We had two random witnesses, one of whom worked at the register office, and the other of whom we accosted in the street outside. I absolutely understand anyone who doesn't want a wedding - but if he won't do this, OP, that's when I'd be wondering.

Starseeking · 04/07/2022 20:39

Badger1970 · 04/07/2022 19:46

It doesn't have to be a big wedding - when you're committed as a family with kids and a house, it's literally window dressing so I'd have a real issue with someone who was refusing that part. It would also make life much more difficult for the surviving partner if you died without being married.

Is it bothering you enough to walk away? I think I'd feel as if I'd been lied to for a very long time........

This is how I felt after 7 years together, with 5 of those engaged. I walked away after his final stupid delaying excuse (we could do it on our 10 year engagement anniversary Confused), as I'd become extremely resentful of him and the situation.

ZaraSizeMedium · 04/07/2022 20:40

Notimeforaname · 04/07/2022 20:34

He was bullshitting you all along. He knew before having the children that he felt this way about marriage. I bet the children have his surname too.

He basically duped you to get the relationship he wanted on the terms he wanted

So theres no chance he could have just changed his mind? Hes definitely been planning this for over a decade?

Read the OP.

He hasn’t changed his mind. He’s admitted he never really wanted marriage ever.

He though he might feel differently about that after having children.

He never said “listen, I don’t really want marriage at the moment but let’s have children and I’ll see how I feel then - is that ok with you?”

He went along with the whole “yes marriage is something I want in the future”.

LilyMarshall · 04/07/2022 20:42

We have always talked about marriage as something we would do in the future but decided to have children first, which I was happy to do. I've now got to the point where I want us to be married. I brought this up with DP who told me he doesn't actually see himself ever getting married. He loves me, is committed to me but something about being married is stopping him and he doesn't think he can get past it. He thought he would feel differently after children but he doesn't.

this is the issue for me. He hasn't changed his mind. He never wanted to get married. He lied to get what he did want, everything without marriage.

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 04/07/2022 20:42

ElbowsandArses · 04/07/2022 19:32

So what would marriage actually give you that you don't have now? Marriages can end. He is clearly committed to you. You have legal and financial protections in place (which is actually what marriage is: a legal contract). I think both of you hold views about marriage which personally I don't: getting to the bottom of what it "means" to you (both) has to be the way forwards. Counselling together?

Eh?

nextweekfriday · 04/07/2022 20:44

I'd suggest you take the legal protection of marriage very seriously as well the points others have made if you were married and separated you'd be in a much better position to be rehomed and have assets split. I'm unmarried like you with a child and feel completely foolish for not getting married first, like you I didn't think it was important but trust me if you ever split it would be important...I think marriage helps to protect you and the kids if the relationship ever ended you'd have a much better chance of having assets divided fairly with our marriage he has no obligation...

VodselForDinner · 04/07/2022 20:45

It’s a dated adage but there’s a lot of truth in the “why buy a cow…” line.

Why would he marry you, OP?

Without marriage he has:
A mother for his children
A de facto wife
A lifestyle where he’s benefiting from an additional high income.
Someone paying half towards his living costs.
The ability to walk away with limited risk.

He’d be mad to marry you.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2022 20:46

I feel as though he has led me on for a decade whilst getting everything he wants out of a relationship and has put me in a position of now having children with someone who won't provide me the security of marriage.

This is exactly what he's done, and it was his intention from the beginning. Men like him are all the same. They want an easy exit. Sorry for being so cynical, but I've seen this time and time and time again, even with the "good ones" who seem like they were such dedicated partners. Most of them end up marrying someone else, and quite quickly after the relationship breaks down.

justasking111 · 04/07/2022 20:47

An accountant changed my friends mind by laying out the financial ramifications. Something to do with blood family having rights if either of them died. She was the one against marriage until that point. They had a tiny wedding with their children and some friends abroad then a party on a farm when they got home

girlmom21 · 04/07/2022 20:49

Do you want a marriage or a wedding?

Is he avoiding marriage or a wedding?

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 04/07/2022 20:49

coodawoodashooda · 04/07/2022 19:52

I'm divorced. I used to be a hardened marriage supporter. Not anymore. Now I think it is a hellish commitment. I have clear reasons why. Your dp doesn't. I'd say he is playing you. He isn't against marriage. He's against marriage to you. Sorry.

I doubt OP is being played if she has been with him 12 years. If their relationship was rocky or she has an update where he isn't coming home some weekends... fair enough.

You can't just jump the gun. Christ!!

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 04/07/2022 20:51

ZaraSizeMedium · 04/07/2022 20:40

Read the OP.

He hasn’t changed his mind. He’s admitted he never really wanted marriage ever.

He though he might feel differently about that after having children.

He never said “listen, I don’t really want marriage at the moment but let’s have children and I’ll see how I feel then - is that ok with you?”

He went along with the whole “yes marriage is something I want in the future”.

Show quote history

If he never really wanted marriage ever. You need to read your own sentence back

courtrai · 04/07/2022 20:51

I emphasise; I'm in a similar position. I feel like I'm not good enough for him to want to marry me. It's a crushing emotion

SarahKennedy · 04/07/2022 20:52

I would just add that nothing, ever, would persuade me to re-marry. That's how big a deal marriage is. There is no way on Earth I would hand over half of my income and assets to anyone else. Those are entirely for the benefit of my children, should I get run over by a bus. I would very much consider living with someone, though. That's the difference it makes.

KangarooKenny · 04/07/2022 20:56

I don’t blame him. I’d never get married again.
You want to think about whether you’d want him getting everything if you died when he could remarry, if if you’d rather it went to your children.