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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why won't he marry me?!

120 replies

PinkPanther87 · 04/07/2022 19:29

I've been with DP around 12 years and we have two DC, aged 5 and 3. Aside from the standard bickering and occasional bad moods we have a brilliant relationship. He is supportive and a real partner in every way. We share all household chores, life admin, childcare etc. And have completely joint and transparent finances (just 1 account which everything goes into and we are free to use on what we want, bar larger purchases which we chat through) - this was also the case while I was on mat leave and for the period when DC were younger and I worked part time. We have wills leaving everything to each other and are named as beneficiaries on each others pension and death in service. We also own our home jointly.

We have always talked about marriage as something we would do in the future but decided to have children first, which I was happy to do. I've now got to the point where I want us to be married. I brought this up with DP who told me he doesn't actually see himself ever getting married. He loves me, is committed to me but something about being married is stopping him and he doesn't think he can get past it. He thought he would feel differently after children but he doesn't. He hasn't given any real reason for this, just his gut is saying it isn't for him.

I don't know how to get past this to be honest. I feel as though he has led me on for a decade whilst getting everything he wants out of a relationship and has put me in a position of now having children with someone who won't provide me the security of marriage. I'm struggling to fully explain to him why I want to be married, when day to day nothing much would change, but I know its important to me and I have always been clear on that.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did anyone get over this?

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/07/2022 23:05

In the end marriage is a contract.. and being brutal you should have insisted on it pre kids.

So don’t be sentimental, go see a solicitor and see what protections you are lacking, and what paperwork you need to put in place to make up for it. A civil partnership might do it.

He might not be trying any funny stuff, some people just don’t want to get married. And I guess from his POV if it bothered you that much surely you’d have said so before. Anyway, just do all you can to make sure you and the kids are protected.

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2022 23:07

ElbowsandArses · 04/07/2022 19:32

So what would marriage actually give you that you don't have now? Marriages can end. He is clearly committed to you. You have legal and financial protections in place (which is actually what marriage is: a legal contract). I think both of you hold views about marriage which personally I don't: getting to the bottom of what it "means" to you (both) has to be the way forwards. Counselling together?

What financial protections does she have in place?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/07/2022 23:10

All men I know who were "against marriage" in their long term relationships - with children, mortgages etc. - threw it all away and got married in a few months when the right woman came along

Same here I'm afraid; fundamentally - if only instinctively - they all wanted the easy "out" which lack of marriage offered (though a couple were ditched by the women who'd got tired of waiting)

Each to their own of course, but this is why I'd never have agreed to kids or even long term living together without marriage; I'd have felt "on approval" and the resentment would have killed it for me

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2022 23:11

PinkPanther87 · 04/07/2022 20:32

The deception and feeling of being led on this whole time is really what I'm struggling with i think. Which is hard because he honestly isn't a jerk or a player or anything like what this probably makes him sound like!

The kids both have my surname although I wasn't bothered about it, I'm not sure why it's given so much weight on MN when we are both equal parents, but wider family politics just meant it made more sense to have my name.

Because so many couples split up and if the woman is left high and dry her children don't share her name - and if her ex is an arse it can complicate matters

70kid · 04/07/2022 23:12

@forinborin
totally agree my DH was with his ex partner 10 years two kids but he didn’t want to get married
They split because of that

we met about 6 months later and got married 3 months later and have been together 23 years this year

I’ve seen this happen more times than i have fingers and toes 😂

stayingpositiveifpossible · 04/07/2022 23:12

Fenella123 · 04/07/2022 19:38

The cynical would say he wants to keep the door open to walk away for a "better option" and only pay CMS, rather than have his pension, savings, equity in the house partly handed over to you (whose career and earning power has been adversely affected by looking after your hobby pets his children).

I don't know what to do any more than you do. Is this just him being a temporary jerk, or does it speak to a fundamental lack of love and commitment?

This. No reason why he can't and shouldn't apart from this.

Marriage has always been a commercial and property contract, and not a romantic one.

Women sometimes think it is all about love. It isn't. it is about property and finances and hence security.

If you have kids you need to think about that. Think the scenario through as to how it would be for you and your kids if you split, in your current situation.

If you don't like the scenario you are thinking of you have your answer as to whether you should stay together or not.

Doris899 · 04/07/2022 23:16

Reading your post it sounds like you have a good relationship, sensible financial provisions and a happy family. I wouldn’t be looking to change that to be honest. It’s not the be all and end all.

Foxglovers · 04/07/2022 23:22

I’m exactly the same with my DP as yours is with you. I just really dislike the idea of being married and he would love to get married. I also feel like I can’t explain it but it’s not about wanting to keep a foot out the door or anything like that. I love him very much and don’t want to be with anyone else. We have 2 children and I would always try to make sure we work out. I just really don’t want to be married. I’ve never liked the idea of it

thefirstfortyeight · 04/07/2022 23:26

I did it purely for the assets transfer and IHT issue, I can't fathom why anyone would pay loads of tax and leave their loved ones in a less favourable position than they could have done 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Summerfun54321 · 04/07/2022 23:26

Tell him you would like to be someone’s wife and that if it’s not his, he needs to let you know so you can plan your next move. It’s fine for you to want it more than ever and start a fresh conversation about it. It doesn’t need to be rational, it can be an emotional need.

caringcarer · 04/07/2022 23:30

If you wanted marriage you should have refused to have children until you got marriage. You gave him everything he wanted without marriage. Now he has no incentive to marry you and you will be vulnerable financially.

VodselForDinner · 04/07/2022 23:33

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/07/2022 21:43

That would be true if the OP were a low earner or SAHM. But she's the higher earner.

Show quote history

The OP clearly stated that, while she earns more, it’s absolutely marginal.

Sounds like they’re pretty equal in terms of wage, and so she is funding half of their lifestyle.

He has no reason to marry her.

VodselForDinner · 04/07/2022 23:41

YRGAM · 04/07/2022 22:16

To give a male POV I honestly think some of these posts are way, way off the mark, particularly those saying he doesn't want to commit to you. I would say that given you say he is a good, involved father, in his eyes he already has - the children are the commitment, not a marriage. He's already shown commitment to you and your relationship by having children with you. So he sees no reason why he should spend a load of money, have 18 months of you stressing, bother from his MIL, decisions he needs to be a part of but doesn't care about, to affirm a commitment that in his eyes he has affirmed already. The fact you're not taking no for an answer will now be irritating him and making him wonder what your motive is for pushing so hard for this.

What a pile of gaslighting bullshit.

Having a child is a commitment to the child, not to the mother. And even then, it’s a pretty low-level commitment when you consider the amount of “fathers” who walk away from their kids.

And I don’t have enough eye rolls for “you… will now be irritating him”.

Who gives a shit if he’s irritated? Having a penis doesn’t give him some right to have just his needs met.

What about the OP being irritated?

Eeksteek · 04/07/2022 23:56

I don’t know. I felt very strongly I wanted to be married pre-kids, but it was just a feeling (I know it’s sensible, and I think it’s very important knowing what I know now about how marriage protects women and women DO risk the of sacrifice earnings, careers and pensions for children and men don’t. But I didn’t then, I just felt it)

Now, I feel quite the opposite. I wouldn’t consider marrying again (widowed, not divorced. It just doesn’t feel like someone I want to be again. But then I’m not going to have more children). There’s no future Mr Eeksteek on the horizon, so it’s not a partner problem, it’s just how I feel about marriage. Neither of those feelings have any reasons behind them, good or bad. They’re just how I feel.

I’m not sure this is helpful. If I did have a partner, I don’t think I’d give in. I’d likely feel it was a bit controlling. Why would they want something I didn’t want so much, except to prove they could make me do things I said didn’t want to do if they chose. That feels like an unequal relationship, with the balance in a man’s favour and the scales are already tipped that way by a sexist society, so I don’t need any more of that, thanks.

I think your situation is different. You did plan to marry, you do have kids and you are (albeit slightly) the one who made the sacrifices that marriage can protect you from suffering adverse consequences from if you split. And, as has been pointed out, wills can be changed. In your situation I would want marriage. I’d also make sure you take out life insurance on him yourself, so you’ll benefit if he dies, anyway, just in case. Not much else you can do through. not decent of him to deceive you over it, though.

DyingForACuppa · 04/07/2022 23:57

I had no interest in a wedding. I always imagined of I ever got married I'd just elope. My now DH wanted one. So we had one, because I love him. If he doesn't have a very good reason not to marry you, then he simply doesn't love you enough to do something that will make you happy.

One thing though, you said 'he has put you in a position of now having children with someone who won't provide me the security of marriage' which isn't strictly true. You put yourself in that position.

urbanbuddha · 05/07/2022 00:03

Have you suggested civil partnership? It's the only compromise I can see.
Saying that I know a couple who have been together for over 30 years without marriage or civil partnership. In their case it's the woman who doesn't feel marriage is right for her.
If your wills and pension rights are sorted maybe have a session with a solicitor to see if there's anything else you need to sort, and then sort it.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Maybe that's how your DP feels?

ApplesandBunions · 05/07/2022 08:11

thefirstfortyeight · 04/07/2022 23:26

Mmm, the IHT is what would do it here for me. There does come a point when not being married or at least civilly partnered is a very expensive aversion.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 05/07/2022 09:55

He's not going to do it now, and you aren't secure with a will. He could change that today and never tell you. He could have changed it already. It means nothing.

You'll either have to accept this and take the risk or leave him.

CaveMum · 05/07/2022 14:27

Whilst yes you can tie up most (not all) of the protections offered by marriage using Wills, POA, etc but the time you’ve paid for all of that, inc legal fees, it would be a darn sight cheaper to pop down the registry office for half an hour!

lightisnotwhite · 05/07/2022 19:17