Why won't he marry me?!

[PinkPanther87]

I've been with DP around 12 years and we have two DC, aged 5 and 3. Aside from the standard bickering and occasional bad moods we have a brilliant relationship. He is supportive and a real partner in every way. We share all household chores, life admin, childcare etc. And have completely joint and transparent finances (just 1 account which everything goes into and we are free to use on what we want, bar larger purchases which we chat through) - this was also the case while I was on mat leave and for the period when DC were younger and I worked part time. We have wills leaving everything to each other and are named as beneficiaries on each others pension and death in service. We also own our home jointly.

We have always talked about marriage as something we would do in the future but decided to have children first, which I was happy to do. I've now got to the point where I want us to be married. I brought this up with DP who told me he doesn't actually see himself ever getting married. He loves me, is committed to me but something about being married is stopping him and he doesn't think he can get past it. He thought he would feel differently after children but he doesn't. He hasn't given any real reason for this, just his gut is saying it isn't for him.

I don't know how to get past this to be honest. I feel as though he has led me on for a decade whilst getting everything he wants out of a relationship and has put me in a position of now having children with someone who won't provide me the security of marriage. I'm struggling to fully explain to him why I want to be married, when day to day nothing much would change, but I know its important to me and I have always been clear on that.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did anyone get over this?

CP procedure isn't any different. There still has to be a ceremony. As a pp pointed out, it really is marriage by another name in that respect.

That said, still worth OP raising it with her partner.

A register office wedding ceremony can also be saying your vows somewhere instead of a church then still go into having photos, drinks, a meal, evening event etc. A register office wedding doesn't have to be just 2 witnesses. We had an aisle which my DF walked me down, music, our DD did a reading etc. We just didn't want a church as we are not religious. But we still had a wedding and an all day event.

When I read your OP I was concerned that your earnings and pension were inferior to his because that’s a dangerous position to be in when unmarried. However, your update makes it clear that this problem doesn’t apply. So, the (harsh but true) cow/milk thing is not relevant here. He has nothing to lose by marrying you because you’re his financial equal..

Which makes me wonder what his aversion to marriage actually is.

I don’t want to sound heartless or mercenary but why do you think so many people when they receive a terminal diagnosis get married?

Love and inheritance tax.

but love, in some cases, wasn’t enough to get married but inheritance tax is

Aw that’s quite sad op. I’d want to know what it is that’s actually stopping him from wanting to actually take the final step. He must now why he doesn’t want to,

I don't think there's anything wrong with him not marrying you as long as you are both protected financially etc which it sounds like you are.

Ask him what marriage means to him. It might be something quite negative. For example, I immediately think of ownership whereas someone else might think love/commitment or family.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but I think if it really matters to you then he should be willing to think about why he feels negatively about it and if it's something that he can get past.

His aversion is that deep down,

• he thinks he could do better,


• he can't admit that he 'fell into' this position, and was too cowardly to say 'stop the bus, I want out',


• can't stand the thought of being the centre of 'fuss',


• saw his own parents relationship break-down and secretly fears that your relationship will go the same way eventually,


• doesn't want to spend money on something he sees as frivolous,


• is embarrassed to admit he loves you publicly.

Men. They think differently. But any of those ^^ explanations don't reflect well on him or your relationship, do they.

No inheritance tax? Tax breaks?

He doesn't want to get married OP because he doesn't want to actually commit. He's comfortable that he can change anything he wants at any time. He could change everything tomorrow to leave everything of his to the cats home and you'd be none the wiser and could do bugger all about it.

If he doest want marriage why not go for a civil partnership?

He must now why he doesn’t want to

He knows. He also knows it will hurt the OP to admit it. So he stays silent.

To give a male POV I honestly think some of these posts are way, way off the mark, particularly those saying he doesn't want to commit to you. I would say that given you say he is a good, involved father, in his eyes he already has - the children are the commitment, not a marriage. He's already shown commitment to you and your relationship by having children with you. So he sees no reason why he should spend a load of money, have 18 months of you stressing, bother from his MIL, decisions he needs to be a part of but doesn't care about, to affirm a commitment that in his eyes he has affirmed already. The fact you're not taking no for an answer will now be irritating him and making him wonder what your motive is for pushing so hard for this.

All men I know who were "against marriage" in their long term relationships - with children, mortgages etc. - threw it all away and got married in a few months when the right woman came along.
Same with men who didn't want children. Didn't with their long term partner of convenience, but suddenly trying for a baby with a new flame within weeks.

I would lay out the financial and legal ramifications of not being married e.g. inheritance tax, next of kin for medical decisions etc and then I would tell him you need to have a civil ceremony for both of you to protect your assets and the ability to make decisions for one another.

Ultimately I would be very concerned about someone who isn't willing to get married at this point as it sounds like the want the option of untangling themselves from your life with the minimum possible legal fuss.

Marriage is an active decision - a declaration of both parties' public commitment to each other for life.

Having kids together is much more a passive decision, which often just happens, with an implicit partial commitment until the kids are 18... then all bets are off - both parties are free to switch out their partner for a more suitable model.

OP, perhaps the thought of making a public declaration of his lifetime commitment to you makes him feel queasy? Going through the process of cheesiness and tweeness of a wedding day would be really uncomfortable to go through... unless you are both in love of course.

I have male friends who get so embarrassed about having their relationship status on Facebook, that they leave it off their profile. Always a bad sign for the relationship. Marriage is basically this, just much more serious and public.

I worry that you are one of my RL friends.

I don't think her DP will marry her because he's got everything he wants from her already.

I said yes when my DP asked me to marry him 15 years ago. We didn't get round to it (house renovations, then a baby, then another baby) and it became less important to us. I also went off the idea of "marriage". It feels dated and overly romantic and just not reflective of how I want to live. At the same time, I appreciate that I am at risk (SAHM) and if either of us were to die, we'd have to pay a truck load of tax. So DP and I have recently formed a civil partnership. The same legal status as marriage but without the marriage part.

This is all to say that maybe he hasn't been stringing you along, maybe his feelings towards the institution of marriage have changed but, you can still get the protection and security (for both of you because he'll pay the inheritance tax if you die) through civil partnership.

Simply put - because he doesn't want to.

Nobody here can tell you why - it could be any number of things that's making him hold off. You just need to decide whether you're happy to stay with him and remain unmarried, or whether marriage is so important that you'd rather leave over it.

Have you spoken with him about it as per your first post? You explained clearly how you feel. Maybe suggest couples counselling if you think it would be easier to approach it that way?

So what difference would going to a registry office make? You only live once.
It would no make no difference to her partner it terms if commitment ( if you’re right) but Op would like to be married.

I think he likes life the way it is and doesn’t want to be an “ordinary” married couple.

My husband was a bit like this (we didnt have kids but wanted them but in all other ways). He did compromise and we had a comparatively tiny wedding (I wasnt bothered about the wedding part either).

In your shoes I'd be very hurt that:

He never told you how he felt. If you dont want something important but think you might in the future then you tell someone that, you dont tell them you will want it in the future and just hope you change your mind! Imagine one of you had done that the other way around about kids (eg knew you didnt want kids but told the other one youd marry anyway and just crossed your fingers youd change your mind about kids after marriage and then let them down horribly after they were invested)

That it's something he said was in your future, that it's something he knows you really want...and he is saying no for a wishy washy reason. Where is the compromise here? It was 'just a piece of paper' to my husband...who reasoned that if I really wanted a piece of paper then he may as well if it would make me happy, as it wasnt going to make him unhappy

Good news on your earnings and pensions etc though, it would be a much worse situation if youd already sacrificed stuff on the basis that you were going to get married.

Unlike other threads I read on this, he does sound like a decent person and isnt saying no because he wants to keep his options open or money to himself for a potential split so I would keep the lines of communication open and explain how you are feeling about everything

You can easily get married without 18 months of planning. It costs less than £500 (ish) and only needs 2 witnesses.

But are children such a commitment? £2bn in unpaid child support says not.

He loves me, is committed to me but something about being married is stopping him and he doesn't think he can get past it. He thought he would feel differently after children but he doesn't. He hasn't given any real reason for this, just his gut is saying it isn't for him

What's his family background? Haven't RTFT but gut feelings are important to the mind (and will probably have nothing to do with the OP).

Marriage really isn't window dressing!

Being his next of kin?

No, I wouldn't want for my son to pay the minimum but then I'm not an arse.