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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to have my back?

117 replies

CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:06

My adult child (30) treats me extremely disrespectfully. As much as I hate to say it he is surly, ignorant, rude and blatantly entitled. He no longer lives in our house but comes every day and makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. Im unable to carry out my usual activities of cleaning and tidying the house as he is always in the kitchen, eating, drinking, cooking, doing laundry. His belongings are all over. If I move them he is rude and sarcastic. If i raise an issue with him he berates me and tells me he will move it when he is ready not me. Worst of all, my husband stands by and lets this happen without offering a shred of back up. If ever there is an argument with my son about the way he treats me my husband will play middle man and half arsedly tell my son to be quiet before condescendingly telling me to sit down and relax. I'm sick to death of feeling like my husband wont have my back, because it gives the message to my son that its ok to treat me this way. Am I being unreasonable in expecting this?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/07/2022 18:08

I assume your DH is his father?

BigFatLiar · 04/07/2022 18:10

Why does he keep coming to your home if that's how he behaves. You and your husband need to be united and let him know that if he wants to be welcome then he needs to behave respectfully in your home. Take his keys off him if he has them.

altmember · 04/07/2022 18:15

So tell him not to come round any more (at least not unless he's been specifically invited). Surely you can do that yourself without needing your husband to second it?

I blame the parents. Where has your son learnt this behaviour from? Does your husband treat you the same way as well?

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 04/07/2022 18:16

This is horrible, OP. Have you looked up ‘elder abuse’? There are organisations that can help and advise.

Why is he coming to your house every day?

Mememene · 04/07/2022 18:19

You're not being unreasonable, you do need to show a united front to stand up to your son who I'm sorry to say sounds like a bully.

I assume you have sat your husband down and asked him what he wants in respect of your son's behavoiur? He does need to be tackled but so much easier with you both in agreement.

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:23

I had my son young, I'm not an elder by any means. 😊

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 04/07/2022 18:24

I'd be starting by changing the lock.

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:25

Mememene · 04/07/2022 18:19

You're not being unreasonable, you do need to show a united front to stand up to your son who I'm sorry to say sounds like a bully.

I assume you have sat your husband down and asked him what he wants in respect of your son's behavoiur? He does need to be tackled but so much easier with you both in agreement.

Yep done it. But my DH tells me that I know what my son is like and its just his ways.

OP posts:
420Bruh · 04/07/2022 18:26

Is your son his dad? Ban him from your house.

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:26

altmember · 04/07/2022 18:15

So tell him not to come round any more (at least not unless he's been specifically invited). Surely you can do that yourself without needing your husband to second it?

I blame the parents. Where has your son learnt this behaviour from? Does your husband treat you the same way as well?

Just to add our other children don't treat me this way.

OP posts:
AffIt · 04/07/2022 18:26

Why is your horrible son in your house?

Assuming that he is an able-bodied adult with no impairments, you are completely within your rights to say no.

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:27

420Bruh · 04/07/2022 18:26

Is your son his dad? Ban him from your house.

Yes my DH is his dad.

OP posts:
Windinmyhair · 04/07/2022 18:28

Change the locks.

Tell him he is not welcome to come cook, wash laundry etc whilst he is behaving like an arrogant, spoiled, entitled brat.

Rinse and repeat. your husband will never stick up for you - you have both a DH and a DS problem.

AffIt · 04/07/2022 18:28

Also, is your husband your son's biological father?

mbosnz · 04/07/2022 18:29

Can you talk with your husband when he is not there, and plan how to deal with it when your son comes round?

So, son kicks off, you say something along the lines of, 'oh, it's that time is it, we've reached that point? Well, we've got things to do, off you pop'. And your husband back you up?

Or, that you change the locks, son is not given a key, and is not allowed in to do his washing, his cooking or whatever - he can come visit on terms agreed by you and your husband, and your husband will adhere to this, and support you when you tell your son he's outstayed his welcome, and it's time to leave.

He's got his own place, he's in his thirties, there is no automatic right to entry to your place, and you are entitled to tell him to fuck off to his own home, if he's not going to respect yours, and you in it.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 04/07/2022 18:29

Your son is so disrespectful! Why do you let him come and go as he pleases when he treats you like absolute shit?

mbosnz · 04/07/2022 18:30

But my DH tells me that I know what my son is like and its just his ways.

So? That doesn't mean you have to accept and condone his ways. He's young. He can (and should) change. Into a somewhat less horrible person.

OneTC · 04/07/2022 18:33

Nah bollocks to that, tell the little shit to do one until he sorts it out.

And yes your husband shouldn't be standing by listening to that

Merryoldgoat · 04/07/2022 18:33

Is he your DH’s favourite? What is your DH like day to day? Kind? Respectful? Or does he treat you similarly?

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:34

altmember · 04/07/2022 18:15

So tell him not to come round any more (at least not unless he's been specifically invited). Surely you can do that yourself without needing your husband to second it?

I blame the parents. Where has your son learnt this behaviour from? Does your husband treat you the same way as well?

Husband rarely takes my side in anything which has led to me feeling disrespected and like I am some kind of ogre for voicing my upset. DH also has a longstanding habit of being unable to apologise for any wrong doing. He would sooner my DS see me as an ogre rather than standing by me and agreeing with me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2022 18:37

Op, do not allow him in your home. Throw every single thing that is his out the door in a bin bag. You can only be disrespected and taken advantage of if you allow it. Stop being such a doormat.

mbosnz · 04/07/2022 18:38

Do you care if your son sees you as an ogre? He is bullying and belittling you, with your husband complicit (sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from that particular tree).

Personally, I'd be telling my son to shape up, or ship out - if he can't behave respectfully towards you, get out, and don't come back until he can. And mean it. Better late than never.

BlanketsBanned · 04/07/2022 18:38

Dont waste your energy arguing with him, as soon as he arrives then go out or go upstairs, he is an adult not a child, how old are your other kids.

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2022 18:47

CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:25

Yep done it. But my DH tells me that I know what my son is like and its just his ways.

Show quote history

Change the locks, don't give him a key and don't let him in.

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2022 18:48

CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:34

Husband rarely takes my side in anything which has led to me feeling disrespected and like I am some kind of ogre for voicing my upset. DH also has a longstanding habit of being unable to apologise for any wrong doing. He would sooner my DS see me as an ogre rather than standing by me and agreeing with me.

Show quote history

I'd be quite happy to be an ogre.