To expect my husband to have my back?

[CalmDownKaren]

My adult child (30) treats me extremely disrespectfully. As much as I hate to say it he is surly, ignorant, rude and blatantly entitled. He no longer lives in our house but comes every day and makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. Im unable to carry out my usual activities of cleaning and tidying the house as he is always in the kitchen, eating, drinking, cooking, doing laundry. His belongings are all over. If I move them he is rude and sarcastic. If i raise an issue with him he berates me and tells me he will move it when he is ready not me. Worst of all, my husband stands by and lets this happen without offering a shred of back up. If ever there is an argument with my son about the way he treats me my husband will play middle man and half arsedly tell my son to be quiet before condescendingly telling me to sit down and relax. I'm sick to death of feeling like my husband wont have my back, because it gives the message to my son that its ok to treat me this way. Am I being unreasonable in expecting this?

I’d be telling Your DS to get out, and take his father with him

It sounds like you are here to get it off your chest but will go back to being a doormat for these men.

Please tell me I’m wrong, OP?

Yes. Full time

Well it's ridiculous that he's still using you and your home whenever he pleases. He's an adult with his own home and own life. I would never turn up unannounced at my parents' with washing and cooking to do, let alone be rude at the same time.

You need to get a grip and tell them both.
Write a list of rules going forward.
Sit your husband down and tell him first.
Then sit your son down and tell him second.
Do not back down.

He needs to realise it's not appropriate to treat you and your home with so little respect. I may be unusual in mumsnet world but when I left home for good after uni my parents' house was no longer my house to come and go as I please. Why should you put up with this for potentially the rest of your life?

Im looking for a way to convince my DH he's bang out of order for not having my back. But this is a long standing issue so maybe im flogging a dead horse.

I’d be making their lives hell or leaving. Or both. You are putting up with it.

you’re husband won’t change so why do you expect your son to? Where do you think your son learnt his behaviour from?

You know they are y going to change. Husband isn’t going to support you. So what are you going to do about it?

you have decisions to make. Another 40+ years of being a miserable doormat? Or stand up for yourself and lay down rules, consequences etc? Or leave.

why let these two weak pathetic men make you miserable for the rest of your lives.

My DH would absolutely call me a bad mother and tell me I'm some kind of weirdo for doing that. He would make me feel like I'm really terrible for suggesting rules.

Three words for your son…

KICK HIM OUT.

You owe him nothing.

Once again - why does it matter if your husband calls you an ogre, or a bad mother?

What value should you place on his opinion? Given he's a spineless fucking bully of an arsehole.

Why are you allowing this in the first place?

Tell your son he is not welcome unless his attitude and behaviour changes considerably.

If he has a key, change the locks.

Yes your husband should support you but you also have a voice and shouldn't feel unwelcome in your own home. Make it known that you will not stand for it.

I would take the fuse out of the washing machine.

I presume your house has a more modern set up regarding electricity.
In the olden days you could pull random fuses out of the mains board and put them in your bag and leave. Then he can’t do his washing or make dinner.

Your husband sounds crap OP, but he isn’t miraculously going to change.

You own half the house, so tell him he’s not welcome anymore and change the locks.

I mean it, your son sounds like he’s inherited his twattery from your husband, so nothing else will work.

If he lets himself in somehow, ask him to leave, if he doesn’t leave, call the police.

I had the first ever argument with my adult daughter eight months ago. She was rude and I walked away from her and didn't speak to her for the remainder of the day as I was angry. My husband didn't back me up and it's all snowballed catastrophically. I spent Christmas Day and Mother's Day alone.

We are now separated and divorcing after 30 years.

There is nothing as bad as not being backed up OP, you must feel very alone and feel like you are banging your head off a brick wall. The dynamics are all wrong so your son is feeding from the discord between you and your husband too. That makes it even harder. He has no reason to change if daddy is allowing it. It's a very hard situation and not as easy as some are making out to fix.

I do try. I voice my opinion because honestly I get so mad at the situation. My son will roll his eyes and say yeah whatever shutup or something similar. I end up losing the plot as I've no back up, at which point my son will say "oh look shes being a victim and crying". I feel helpless. My DH acts like hes sitting on the fence, telling me to shut up and telling my son to be quiet. From my perspective DH behaviour gives my DS the impression that his Dad isnt in agreement. I feel alone in this. My son is here when i get up in the morning and is often still here when i go to bed. I've explained to my husband frequently that my house no longer feels like my own but DH seems content to carry on acting like our sons best mate rather than my partner.

YANBU it sounds like your DH just wants an easy life, no matter at whose expense.

However, I do think it’s good to have a ‘middle man’.

Do you argue with your son?

Why do you need to DH to back you up?
If you told your son not to speak to you like that when you’re letting him use the washing machine - what would he say?

I agree your husband needs to support you.

Also, I think it’s time for a period of zero tolerance with your son. From Now onwards, don’t let ds dictate your activities. If you want to clean, hoover, cook etc, then carry on. If ds doesn’t like it, he can move. If he leaves clothes around, ask him to pick them up or you’ll put them in the bin, and then put them in a bin if they remain (maybe in a bag so he can retrieve them). Also, as ds lives elsewhere, don’t feed him or do his washing etc. Warn dh that you going have this approach from now onwards and you’d either appreciate his support, or silence on the matter.

“My DH would absolutely call me a bad mother and tell me I'm some kind of weirdo for doing that. He would make me feel like I'm really terrible for suggesting rules.”

And what does he think of his son being so rude and disrespectful to his mum?

You’re not a bad mum.

Does son not work, spending every day at his parents house is pretty sad. They are both bullying you. How old are your other children, are they still at home and asked him why he is horrible to you.

I try not to argue with my son as i know I will be blamed for the resulting "drama". Its so hard though because if i move his belongings out of the way i.e off my kitchen worktops he will immediately put them back where they were to piss me off. He knows I am not going to get the back up. As soon as I remotely raise my voice my husband tells me to calm down. I'm so sick of this I feel like I have no say in my own home.

He's not moved out at all, he just sleeps somewhere else!

Yes he works

Your husband is not going to ever stand up for you.

So what's your next move. Not relying on a man to save you.

Just you. What are you going to do?

I would be kicking your 'd' h out as well as your twat of a son!

Ultimatum time - he's either supportive or leaves. Maybe he and your son can share a house...

You cannot continue to live like this. You know it, you know what you need to do - but it will be hard at first

If you work full time qnd he works do you have any time to your4s3lf when he is not in your house