To expect my husband to have my back?

[CalmDownKaren]

My adult child (30) treats me extremely disrespectfully. As much as I hate to say it he is surly, ignorant, rude and blatantly entitled. He no longer lives in our house but comes every day and makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. Im unable to carry out my usual activities of cleaning and tidying the house as he is always in the kitchen, eating, drinking, cooking, doing laundry. His belongings are all over. If I move them he is rude and sarcastic. If i raise an issue with him he berates me and tells me he will move it when he is ready not me. Worst of all, my husband stands by and lets this happen without offering a shred of back up. If ever there is an argument with my son about the way he treats me my husband will play middle man and half arsedly tell my son to be quiet before condescendingly telling me to sit down and relax. I'm sick to death of feeling like my husband wont have my back, because it gives the message to my son that its ok to treat me this way. Am I being unreasonable in expecting this?

My DH would absolutely call me a bad mother and tell me I'm some kind of weirdo for doing that. He would make me feel like I'm really terrible for suggesting rules
I can see how terribly hard it is for you but as others say if he calls you a bad mother so what?
Try to put across your son isnt a kid anymore and your days if oarentingvhim are done. He is acting like a man child who cant function like an adult because you ( dh) allow it.. see what he says to that.
Ask him if a random stranger spoke to you the way ds does would he like it. If not how come ds can do it ?

I would get out, take your other DC (if they're minors) with you and leave your horrible husband and son to it. I bet, without you as a buffer or scapegoat, your husband would soon get as fucked off as I am - and I'm only reading this. Please don't let this carry on - you deserve so much better!

I would go out whenever your son starts his bad behaviour. Stop cooking/cleaning in that moment, tell him you will not be spoken to like that and leave. Get hobbies, meet friends for dinner. You tell your DH you left the house due to the treatment from your DS. Your DH will get sick of this very quickly.

“Its so hard though because if i move his belongings out of the way i.e off my kitchen worktops he will immediately put them back where they were to piss me off.”

I know it’s a lot easier to give advice then be in the actual situation. However, maybe you need to start pissing him off. Tell him to move them, or you will get rid of them and Put them in the bin if he doesn’t move them. Show him you mean business. He will have a hissy fit but let him. Time not to dance to his tune.

That’s really sad to hear. Hope you’re doing okay now.

This is great advice. You need to stop flogging a dead horse with your husband, he’s never going to support you so accept that and focus on what you can change.

What do your other children think about it? Is moving out a possibility? Think about having you’re own lovely space without your son ruining it.

I would divorce, split assets and tell them both to fuck off.

What do your other children think about it?

are any of them still at home, or visit and witness his behaviour?

I would stop reacting to your son. Don’t raise your voice but, in a matter of fact way, tell them both calmly that things are changing from now on. Tell them both exactly what those changes are in a clear way. Don’t respond to any goading and vile comments then remove yourself from the room without engaging in any further discussion. Go out for a walk if you have to. If things don’t change, repeat and give a warning that things left lying around will be binned, washing will be removed from the machine and if all else fails, locks will be changed. . Stick to your word. You are being bullied in your own home and it is totally unacceptable.

I would be splitting from your remarkably useless and disrespectful husband and getting my own place in your shoes, Op. That's not a life. Move out and let the pair of them go it alone.

OP,

Clearly your husband doesn't give a damn about you.

Clearly you have choices here as you work.

Who cares what your husband thinks of your behaviour, he doesn't care about you and hasn't for a long time.

You either accept your life or you help yourself.

Your son is scum.
A real thug.
I suggest you pray no woman is ever unlucky enough to get involved with him because he is the type of abusive prick that ruins the lives of women and children.

How has it go to this stage that he treats you so badly?

He hardly woke up one morning and decided to treat you badly?

So your husband and yourself must have been putting up with this for years.

That is so crap change the locks and ban him box up his crap and leave it on the door step and tell him he is not welcome unless he can treat you with respect

This!

It seems like he's learned to be abusive from his father.

If you did divorce, you could decide to never allow either in your home again. Which sounds like the best option for you and the younger children, because I'm willing to bet that they have been on the receiving end of this behaviour as well.

How old are your other children? Do they live with you?

It seems like you are being abused by both your son and your husband. You need to start laying down the law OP, either some serious marriage counselling and your husband has to start defending you if you want to save your marriage or get your ducks in a row and LTBs. How old are your other children OP? How easy would it be to leave? X

You’re being massively bullied. I think you need to sit your Dh down and give him an ultimatum, as emotionlessly as you can. You need to tell your ds he can’t do this any longer. Will your other dc back you up/help? Until your Dh backs you up, you should go on total strike, you do nothing for him, no housework, cooking, nothing. He needs to show you respect and support you, not your ds who frankly sounds like an abusive arse. Tell him he comes round when invited. It’s your house, not his.

Did your husband speak to you like this when your DS was growing up? Or has he seen this disrespectful interaction somewhere else? At 30 it’s just awful, teen years I would expect this somewhat but not at that age.

twll hun to speak to you with respect or don’t come here again until you can!

Your "D"H has created this situation by setting the example and at best condoning, or worse, encouraging your son. He then gets to play at being reasonable by playing an ineffectual peace keeper, while son is an arsehole and you're tested beyond any reasonable limits.

If they can't treat you with respect then their judgements about being a "bad mother" or any other emotional blackmail have no objective value.

This is abuse and LTB territory. The "D"H won't change, the current situation suits him fine.

Treat your ds the way he treats you. Push his stuff off the worktop and onto the floor. Stop the washing machine and put his clothes on the floor. If he's eating your food, put it in the bin. Change the locks. You need to stand up to your son and your husband. They are both treating you appallingly.

It's your home as well as your husbands home. If he tells you you're a bad mother - so what! That's his opinion, he's entitled to that, you're entitled to be respected in your own home .

If you're not prepared to stand up for yourself then leave them to it. Move out and divorce him.

This sounds soul destroying! Treated like dirt in your own home by your own family. Total assumption but could there be an element of sexism here?

My son is much younger than yours (15) and he was rude to me a while ago. My husband hit the roof, he was fuming. Really told him off so it’s not something that I’ve experienced and I’m sure I’d feel really isolated if it did. Hope you get it sorted!

Have you considered moving out for a bit? Renting an Airbnb or something locally and leaving them to it?

If your DH has to clear up after your son all the time maybe he won't enjoy his visits so much and if you get a break and some peace and quiet maybe you'll realise that you may be better off alone.

Either way it'll probably make your DH take your complaints a bit more seriously. He'll either pick up his game to encourage you to come home, or he'll do nothing in which case you want to make your move away more permanent.

OP
Why are you comfortable accepting blame? What happened in your childhood?

I would completely grey rock him. Stop doing anything in the house. He makes a mess,, you leave it out. He eats all the food, you don't reorder. Forget conversing with them both, it's not working and your son is feeding off your very visible unhappiness. Try and go out the second he lets himself in. I like @PattyMelt's idea.

Fill the washing machine with your DHs clothes so if your son comes to do his washing he's got to take it out, and he'll probably leave it on the side where it will get stinky.

Essentially make your sons bad behaviour affect your DH.

I agree with the previous poster about a
making your sons behaviour affect yoir husband. Stop clearing up after your son. Go on strike.