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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my husband to have my back?

117 replies

CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:06

My adult child (30) treats me extremely disrespectfully. As much as I hate to say it he is surly, ignorant, rude and blatantly entitled. He no longer lives in our house but comes every day and makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. Im unable to carry out my usual activities of cleaning and tidying the house as he is always in the kitchen, eating, drinking, cooking, doing laundry. His belongings are all over. If I move them he is rude and sarcastic. If i raise an issue with him he berates me and tells me he will move it when he is ready not me. Worst of all, my husband stands by and lets this happen without offering a shred of back up. If ever there is an argument with my son about the way he treats me my husband will play middle man and half arsedly tell my son to be quiet before condescendingly telling me to sit down and relax. I'm sick to death of feeling like my husband wont have my back, because it gives the message to my son that its ok to treat me this way. Am I being unreasonable in expecting this?

OP posts:
Libertybear80 · 05/07/2022 06:37

Move out op. Your husband and son have absolutely no respect for you.

CalmDownKaren · 05/07/2022 09:20

Thank You everyone for your responses.

OP posts:
Mememene · 05/07/2022 13:25

billy1966 · 04/07/2022 19:17

How can you stand your husband not to mind your disgusting son?

My marriage of 29 years would be over if there was a hint of this.

Your husband is a weak little man.

Best thing you could do is tell him you want a divorce because of his behaviour.

How has it come to this?.

The nuclear button is calling 101 and asking for advice.

Your son is abusive and bullying you in your home.

Ask for advice to have him barred from the home.

Stop allowing yourself be treated like this.

Sometimes I wonder if the answer to every problem is divorce and LTB on here. It's annoying hardly insurmountable to the point of divorce after 20 odd years (adult son to both parents).

I think you just need to tell your son he's welcome to come for Sunday dinner or whatever terms suit you but the daily dropping and being disrespecful ends here. Then tell your husband what you've decided. He will just have to suck it up.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 05/07/2022 13:34

Pick his stuff up and dump it at the front door and when he goes to pick it up close the door behind him and tell him his entitled arse isnt allowed back into YOUR house until he remembers the manners you taught him. Good luck and stand your ground and yes your DH needs a backbone. Or alternatively get the house immaculate go away for the weekend tell your DS to go round as much as he wants and let your DH know that the shit will hit the fan if the house isnt immaculate when you get back and see how he likes it.

purpleboy · 05/07/2022 13:59

This is so sad op, it must be really tough for you.
I don't think your DH is going to change, you've already tried talking and he plays it down.
It's up to you to take action.
Tell them both things are changing, you are no longer their doormat, if DS wants to come over it will be on your term and the second he starts acting up ask him to leave, if he refuses call the police and have him removed, he no longer lives there he is not entitled to stay in your home when he has been asked to leave. ( I do think this is extreme though and could lead to the breakdown your your relationship, but TBH it doesn't sound like a functional relationship with either DH or DS.)
If you move something and he puts it back simply pick it up and put it in the bin. Anything he refuses to move put in the bin.
Change the locks and don't give him a key, tell him he can come round at x time on y date, he is not to turn up uninvited, DH can get in board or get the fuck out.

Your way to passive, time to stand up for yourself and fight back.

Unbiased1 · 05/07/2022 18:57

NOT being unreasonable at all. Just have to come up with a new strategy I think.

Have a story, hope it helps.

My best friend growing up was my next door neighbor, Lizzy, who came from a household where all the kids had chores and schedules. Nothing in the house was out of place, kids stuff only ever in kids room, bags and shoes always by the door, etc. Except when they’re dad came home. He was like King of the Castle, dropping things wherever he wanted, doing things however, which was fine with their mom. She just picked up after him. The doting wife.
Well, Lizzy had 2 younger sisters and 1 older brother. When their dad died, her brother was 24. Still mostly living at home. Finally finished university. Lizzy and I were 20, renting an apartment together. Her twin sisters were 18, heading off to school. Suddenly, Lizzy’s brother started to act like his dad. Coming inside, dropping things everywhere, doing what he wanted when he wanted. Lizzy’s mother was calling the whole family several times a day asking for help.
Everyone offered suggestions , which she took. These 3 generated the most action:
(1) She told him he had 1 month to find a place, pack up, and move out. He replied he needed to save money first. So, he found 2 part time jobs and after 6 months, still hadnt saved any money.

(2)She changed the locks—turns out her address was her son’s legal mailing address on everything and she was “informed” by “authorities” you cannot “evict” someone without notice. He was outraged that she would attempt to lock him out and responded with rude and disrespectful words and criticisms from then on—which shocked his sisters because they were never allowed to speak to their parents the way he was speaking to his mother.
(3) She put her house up for sale. She gathered her daughters over to the house and a few other family members that had her back and they sat waiting for her son to come home. When he walked in, she told her son in front of them that she was moving and the agent expected the house to go quickly. He yelled obscenities and insults and told her she couldn’t do it. And she said nothing, let her daughters and other family respond to his outrageous behaviour. By the end of the
next day, moving boxes filled the lounge, thanks to family dropping them by. End of day 2, agent came over with the paperwork to sign, and said you have 2 weeks to be completely moved out. And the agent said it in front of Lizzy’s brother. Long story short, the brother was gone in 10 days. He got his own place and new legal address. Lizzy’s mother changed the locks right after. And the mother is still there in her own home in piece. “Agent” was really just My boyfriend’s mother acting the part.
Hope it helps !!!

sunny378 · 06/07/2022 02:55

I'm concerned that if you confront your son without backup from your husband he could try to physically harm you. Maybe it's time to ask your husband to choose: you or your son. And it's not an untimatum - look out for yourself and be ready to go if it comes to that.

Longdistance · 06/07/2022 03:13

Sounds like your son came from the same mould as your husband. The snotty little shit can piss off with his stuff and take his crappy dad with him. That’s where your son gets his appalling attitude from.

unname · 06/07/2022 03:37

I think they both need to be kicked out. Your husband has taught your son not to respect you.

Would you ever leave your DH?

ThePumpkinPatch · 06/07/2022 03:38

OP PLEASE call Women's Aid. They can help & support you in so many ways

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/07/2022 05:08

Your son is abusive.

Your husband is enabling that abuse and abusive himself.

Either kick them both out, or leave. Do whichever option will be fastest for you, but do one of them.

You cannot change other peoples behaviour, you can only change your own.

chrissypissy · 06/07/2022 13:51

To be straight, your husband has no back bone. I would be the complete opposite if it were my wife. If he has no back bone then it should make your life pretty easy by being the dominant one and sorting this out once and for all.

Unless you have allowed this behaviour to go on in your marriage which would mean you're just as responsible. However, its never to late to change dynamics.

hellobeautifulsoul · 06/07/2022 14:11

I haven't read the whole thread but I am fuming for you OP!! Neither of these men should be treating you this way. You need to put your foot down and tell your son that he is not welcome to come to your home unless he is going to be respectful to you. If he continues you'll change the locks. And if your husband doesn't back you I would tell him the truth. Tell him he's being a shitty husband and it is NOT your fault. It sounds like he is the reason your son thinks it's okay to treat you like this.

Furthermore, what happens when your son gets into a relationship or is he in one? Does he or will he treat his own partner this way? Can you imagine. I would be mortified if my son treated me or anyone else like this. You do not deserve it. I am 31 and would not dream of treating my parents like this.

CalmDownKaren · 06/07/2022 18:36

sunny378 · 06/07/2022 02:55

I'm concerned that if you confront your son without backup from your husband he could try to physically harm you. Maybe it's time to ask your husband to choose: you or your son. And it's not an untimatum - look out for yourself and be ready to go if it comes to that.

Nooo he's never been physical x

OP posts:
MistyFuckingQuigley · 06/07/2022 18:38

Still not changed your username then

Greengagesnfennel · 06/07/2022 19:48

CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:26

Just to add our other children don't treat me this way.

Are your other children girls op? Does your husband have many Male friends? I think you need to woman up and put your foot down here. They are doing a 2 against 1 is why you are feeling undermined. You need to let them know that you are the boss of the house (if you keep it running let's face it you are and they need you. Deep down they know that). Give them the rules, give them some consequences and mean it. Xxx

Sunnytwobridges · 06/07/2022 19:54

Nah, I wouldn't let him in the house anymore. I didn't put up with disrespect when my DD was young and I definitely wouldn't put up with it when she's an adult.

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