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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my husband to have my back?

117 replies

CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:06

My adult child (30) treats me extremely disrespectfully. As much as I hate to say it he is surly, ignorant, rude and blatantly entitled. He no longer lives in our house but comes every day and makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. Im unable to carry out my usual activities of cleaning and tidying the house as he is always in the kitchen, eating, drinking, cooking, doing laundry. His belongings are all over. If I move them he is rude and sarcastic. If i raise an issue with him he berates me and tells me he will move it when he is ready not me. Worst of all, my husband stands by and lets this happen without offering a shred of back up. If ever there is an argument with my son about the way he treats me my husband will play middle man and half arsedly tell my son to be quiet before condescendingly telling me to sit down and relax. I'm sick to death of feeling like my husband wont have my back, because it gives the message to my son that its ok to treat me this way. Am I being unreasonable in expecting this?

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 18:49

Merryoldgoat · 04/07/2022 18:08

I assume your DH is his father?

Yes

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/07/2022 18:49

BlanketsBanned · 04/07/2022 18:38

Dont waste your energy arguing with him, as soon as he arrives then go out or go upstairs, he is an adult not a child, how old are your other kids.

And leave him to carry on what he's doing and making a mess of my home?

Would I buggery do that.

I'd be picking up his laundry etc and chucking it out the door.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 04/07/2022 18:51

Your husband is at fault here. He needs to stand with you and tell spoilt shit son that he is never welcome again whilst he has that appalling attitude. And he has to mean it. Get key from son/change the locks and see if he will adjust.

If your husband does not stand with you on this he either has no backbone (in which, how can you bare to live with someone whom you can’t respect?) or he is deliberately choosing his selfish con over his wife. Either way, I would not be tolerating this.

OP, get angry and mean it!

BlanketsBanned · 04/07/2022 18:52

because he and dh don't care, they think it's all a big joke, son can do what he likes, dad doesn't do anything about his awful behaviour, the only person getting stressed is OP. OP may not be able to just tell him to sling his hook, pack up his stuff and chuck him out, she needs strength and support to do that which she hasn't got.

Flamingooooooooooooooo · 04/07/2022 18:57

keys in the doors, lock em both out, fuck em. Who needs to deal with that in life, really

Meraas · 04/07/2022 18:59

Have you taken on board any suggestions OP?

MistyFuckingQuigley · 04/07/2022 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chikapu · 04/07/2022 19:07

You need to get rid of both of them, what a pair of arseholes. Maybe they can get somewhere together!

thenewduchessoflapland · 04/07/2022 19:07

Why is he cooking in your house,leaving his things there and using your washing machine?

Does he live with another family member?,in a bed sit with no facilities,a shared house,a caravan?

letsplanaholiday · 04/07/2022 19:10

Why aren't you answering the questions of why is he coming every day if he doesn't live there?

Stomacharmeleon · 04/07/2022 19:13

Remove the audience...
When my youngest is rude to me or pokes me to get a reaction I leave.
So leave the room (grey rock him)
Let them both get on with it

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 19:14

thenewduchessoflapland · 04/07/2022 19:07

Why is he cooking in your house,leaving his things there and using your washing machine?

Does he live with another family member?,in a bed sit with no facilities,a shared house,a caravan?

House share. He has access to the washing machine there, cooker, everything. Theres no need to do it here.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 19:16

letsplanaholiday · 04/07/2022 19:10

Why aren't you answering the questions of why is he coming every day if he doesn't live there?

I am answering as I see the new responses? In answer to your question I don't know why he comes every day. Maybe because he rents a room in a shared house and is bored when not at work. I honestly don't know.

OP posts:
PattyMelt · 04/07/2022 19:16

I couldn't stay in the house if my husband was encouraging this behaviour.
Fill the washing machine (with Dh's stuff) and stick it on a long wash right before he comes over. (incase he tosses it all out to do his own) Then walk out when he arrives. See if he gives your H the same treatment if you aren't there. Don't keep the fridge stocked for him to cook. Don't clean his mess after he's left, tell H he's encouraging the behaviour he can deal with it.

billy1966 · 04/07/2022 19:17

How can you stand your husband not to mind your disgusting son?

My marriage of 29 years would be over if there was a hint of this.

Your husband is a weak little man.

Best thing you could do is tell him you want a divorce because of his behaviour.

How has it come to this?.

The nuclear button is calling 101 and asking for advice.

Your son is abusive and bullying you in your home.

Ask for advice to have him barred from the home.

Stop allowing yourself be treated like this.

notacooldad · 04/07/2022 19:18

Have you looked up ‘elder abuse’?

I had my son young, I'm not an elder by any means 😊*
Do you take everything so literally.
Seeing that you are older than your son and he us the one possibly abusing you the term is not wrong.
Take your username advice and do what ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus suggests without being a smart arse about having kids young.

This behaviour hasn't just started. It's clearly ingrained and been allowed to go on unchallenged and become normal for your son.
You should have stopped all this before it became a habit especially as you know your Dh wont back you.
Moving forward I would be asking him who the hell he thinks he us talking to you like that and " if you say that one more time you an leave"id be running fod supplies down and even putting the laundry tabs away saying you e run out. Just small things to make it less comfortable. I know you shouldn't have to but it looks like you are on your own fighting this battle.

Georgyporky · 04/07/2022 19:19

Tell your son to go away, & not to come to your house until he has learnt some manners.

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 19:20

Wishihadanalgorithm · 04/07/2022 18:51

Your husband is at fault here. He needs to stand with you and tell spoilt shit son that he is never welcome again whilst he has that appalling attitude. And he has to mean it. Get key from son/change the locks and see if he will adjust.

If your husband does not stand with you on this he either has no backbone (in which, how can you bare to live with someone whom you can’t respect?) or he is deliberately choosing his selfish con over his wife. Either way, I would not be tolerating this.

OP, get angry and mean it!

DH will always and I mean always blame me. Its somehow my fault that I'm frustrated at feeling unwelcome in my own home. Its my fault for starting drama and bringing up my sons attitude because "you know what he's like". Its my fault for starting it and speaking to my son the way I do - translated that means I've reached the end of my tether and told DS to move all his crap and stop talking to me like that.

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 04/07/2022 19:21

It would be a shame if something red accidently got into his wash and ran all over his clothes

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 19:22

notacooldad · 04/07/2022 19:18

Have you looked up ‘elder abuse’?

I had my son young, I'm not an elder by any means 😊*
Do you take everything so literally.
Seeing that you are older than your son and he us the one possibly abusing you the term is not wrong.
Take your username advice and do what ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus suggests without being a smart arse about having kids young.

This behaviour hasn't just started. It's clearly ingrained and been allowed to go on unchallenged and become normal for your son.
You should have stopped all this before it became a habit especially as you know your Dh wont back you.
Moving forward I would be asking him who the hell he thinks he us talking to you like that and " if you say that one more time you an leave"id be running fod supplies down and even putting the laundry tabs away saying you e run out. Just small things to make it less comfortable. I know you shouldn't have to but it looks like you are on your own fighting this battle.

I wasn't being a smart arse. Genuinely thought this meant elder as in much much older

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 19:23

BlanketsBanned · 04/07/2022 19:21

It would be a shame if something red accidently got into his wash and ran all over his clothes

🤣

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 04/07/2022 19:23

He comes to yours every day say because he doesnt have any friends

Howappropriate · 04/07/2022 19:23

Pack up his stuff in a box. Say you've had a clean our. Say your house not available anymore for hanging out. Lie and say utilities very high and you are cutting back. Next time he is rude to you, say you won't be accepting that language anymore. I think changing locks is a good idea.
Your DH sounds like a wet blanket so take the lead. Maybe recalibrating your relationship and seeing him less will help your relationship.

Original poster
CalmDownKaren · 04/07/2022 19:25

billy1966 · 04/07/2022 19:17

How can you stand your husband not to mind your disgusting son?

My marriage of 29 years would be over if there was a hint of this.

Your husband is a weak little man.

Best thing you could do is tell him you want a divorce because of his behaviour.

How has it come to this?.

The nuclear button is calling 101 and asking for advice.

Your son is abusive and bullying you in your home.

Ask for advice to have him barred from the home.

Stop allowing yourself be treated like this.

DH genuinely does not think he's doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
Villagewaspbyke · 04/07/2022 19:26

Do you work op? It sounds like you are generally unhappy in your relationship