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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To despair that so many people have appalling table manners?

289 replies

Redpanda99 · 03/07/2022 22:21

Maybe I am just old fashioned, but when did it become acceptable for people to make loud slurping and lip smacking noises, chew with their mouths open, talk with their mouths full, scrape their fork against their teeth with every mouthful...aaargh!!! Whatever happened to good table manners? How can people eat and drink so noisily with no consideration for the people they are with? Surely it can't just be me who finds it disgusting? It gives me the rage!

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 04/07/2022 10:07

Left handed people are certainly very special, in a good way. Creative, intuitive, artistic etc.

I use my fork in my left hand because that’s what my right handed parents taught me. They were very particular about using a knife correctly, not like a pen, so that bothers me more than which hand it’s in.

Triffid1 · 04/07/2022 10:07

choosername1234 · 04/07/2022 08:56

I think it's absolutely fine to be relaxed about these things in your own home or in a relaxed restaurant with close friends/families.
But...you have to be aware that in certain social situations you will be silently judged for lack of (table) manners. And by not teaching these societal norms to your children they too will be judged as they get older.
It would be great if this didn't happen but I think we need to teach our children to thrive in the world we live in, not an ideal world we wish would exist

I was coming on here to say a version of this. I do think that the exact details of which hand you use etc is certainly less of an issue today, but broadly speaking, polite considerate eating is important in certain circumstances. I'm always telling the DC that they can choose to ignore the rules when they are adults... but they still need to know them.

Overall, I'm relatively not-strict but I do insist on closed mouth eating, no shovelling and, largely, no elbows on table (there are casual moments where it's okay). But I am constantly surprised how few of the DC's friends have similar basic standards. I don't think it's because people don't eat together. I think it's because of the very kid-centric approach many parents have today - I've heard people say things like "Why should my children have to stick to these antiquated rules?" etc. Hell, DH says it sometimes and I always go back to @choosername1234 's response above.

Triffid1 · 04/07/2022 10:09

And actually, to add to the kid-centric approach - it's why children aren't taught to wait for everyone else or why they are allowed to just wander off when they're finished. Both of which I hate.

liveforsummer · 04/07/2022 10:14

Sux2buthen · 03/07/2022 22:34

Talking with your mouth full is a bit gross but 'the wrong hand' is a load of tripe.

This - making unpleasant noises affects you. Seeing the chewed contents of someone's mouth is yuk! I can't for a second get upset at what hand someone holds their fork in. Perhaps they are left handed for example. Even if not, who cares?!

MeMe3Spoons · 04/07/2022 10:14

If someone is doing something unhygienic, like talking with their mouth full or using their own cutlery in shared food I would feel offended. Beyond that I can't really bring myself to care about 'table manners', who made these rules anyway and why?

tomatopsste · 04/07/2022 10:15

stayingpositiveifpossible · 04/07/2022 09:57

My dad was left handed he has passed on now bless him.

He told me at school they used to tie his left hand behind his back.

It is historical apparently. People used to say left handers were witches.

To me they are simply very special.

Same as my dad!

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 04/07/2022 10:23

I couldn't care less what hands people hold their cutlery in, or where they rest their elbows.

But eating with your mouth open, talking with a mouth of food, slurping, lip smacking, teeth bashing etc are things that impact on other people who are expected to endure it. People who do those things should stay at home.

torquewench · 04/07/2022 10:25

I watched a singer (think he's called Youngblood, looked like a Robert Smith wannabe) on Sunday Brunch a while back. Slumped in his seat eating with his mouth open and talking with his mouth full, on the telly. 🤢🤮

BashfulClam · 04/07/2022 10:28

I had my left hand injured badly as a child, while it recovered I had to use my fork in my right hand and now that’s what I do. A woman at a work meal pointed out I was using the wrong hand. I just stared at her and said ‘we’ll would you prefer the food in my mouth or on your lap as I make a total mess using my left!’ She tied to make out she was joking.

PipeScatter · 04/07/2022 10:38

My DH eats loudly and I've finally got used to it, but I still cringe when we have to eat out with others. I've realised relatively recently that his is due to an issue with the shape of his mouth - he literally can't chew and keep his lips together at the same time. That's made me feel slightly better about it.

I should have realised sooner that it was a physical issue, rather than not being taught manners, as his sibling doesn't do it.

Even after 15 years though he doesn't seem to have realised I can't look him in the face while he's eating!

Other things like elbows on the table, not scraping your cutlery on the plate, etc, I grew up with so I tend to still not do it, but it doesn't bother me if other people do (although the scraping cutlery goes right through me!).

BlackCatTabbyCat · 04/07/2022 10:56

Cutlery in "wrong hands", elbows on the table etc don't bother me but I can not stand noisy eaters. Its absolutely disgusting and unless there is medical reasons there is no excuse to eat like a pig 🤢🤢

Veol · 04/07/2022 11:16

Table manners vary enormously from country to country which suggests there isn’t a right way to eat food. Even slurping is considered polite in some countries but it would definitely be frowned upon by OP. I’ve always taught my children to have good table manners but I have always been slightly puzzled by people who are so worried about them.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 04/07/2022 11:19

One of my friends, who is right handed, uses his knife and fork in the wrong hands, and he 'holds' the food with his knife and then uses his fork to drag the food apart.

It just looks so messy.

Why on earth are you paying this much attention to how a friend eats? If someone was picking up their plate and licking it then yes, I’d be raising my eyebrows, but studying how someone cuts their food and then judging them on it? Weird.

I'm really old fashioned, I think you do not know where your children may end up in life, knowing how to use cutlery correctly, in the correct order is one less thing to worry about if you are dining with the queen.

I wondered how long this would take 🙄I’m still amazed that we’re on page 5 and that no one has boasted about having been to high level military banquets yet.

Topseyt123 · 04/07/2022 11:19

LouisRenault · 04/07/2022 00:06

Elbows on the table is perfectly fine too, and a completely natural thing to do.

It's extremely annoying if you're sitting next to the person with elbows on the table. And how can you use your cutlery properly with your elbows on the table?

No it isn't annoying, unless you lean so far forward that you have your back virtually to them.

Nobody uses cutlery while resting their elbows on the table either. They just rest there when not using it.

Silly comments.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 04/07/2022 11:23

KrisAkabusi · 03/07/2022 23:47

Table manners, like so many other bits of etiquette were simply designed to make lower-class people stand out and look inferior. There is no logical reason for a 'wrong' hand for your knife and fork, not to put elbows on the table, empty a soup bowl from the front, or pass the port only to the left. It's a way of othering people.

I don't agree, every culture has there own set of table manners, my DP has some manners and customs she brings from Russia/Lithuania. My friend from Zim is different again. It's a global phenomenon.

I just think this casual manner is very much formed in Western societies, slack arses, it permeates not just eating but dress sense, etc.
Personally, I hate bad etiquette, the worst offenders are those who drink pints whilst in a restaurant. Pisses me off. I just think some people have no awareness of where they are, it's embarrassing.
SIL, chomps her way thru every meal, plus picking and flicking. It's like eating with an animal.
Luckily our table was always dressed and laid out for eating, we're passing those traditions down.

sashh · 04/07/2022 11:35

I wondered how long this would take 🙄I’m still amazed that we’re on page 5 and that no one has boasted about having been to high level military banquets yet.

Maybe you have never sat next to someone almost paralyzed with embarrassment about which cutlery to use.

What is it with this discrimination against left handers?

It's not because it is a two handed process.

It's like saying driving on the left discriminates against right handers because the gear leaver is on the left.

If you are ever intubated in hospital, the person intubating will have the laryngoscope in their left hand and the intubation tube in their right hand.

OhTheLeetleHandsAndFeetle · 04/07/2022 11:37

“Nobody uses cutlery while resting their elbows on the table either. They just rest there when not using it.”

Yes, they do. My DD has to be constantly corrected over this, she sort of slumps and uses her knife and fork really awkwardly.

I think we can see from many of the responses on this thread that a lot of people are happy to have no table manners (presumably they are the ones the OP keeps running across) as they seem to be telling us they are a making a stand against discrimination and fighting the class war. Well done, them. They should really have t-shirts made, though, in that case, because when those of us with table manners encounter them, we just think they don’t know how to eat in public.

I think in general people have become less considerate of other people. When I was growing up, we were taught constantly to make sure our conduct didn’t impinge on others - we learned to sit quietly in boring situations, to keep our voices down in public and to avoid eating smelly food in enclosed spaces, like a train carriage. This took a lot of parental effort - my mother was constantly engaging with us on long train journeys, for example, playing word games or looking out of the window with us and talking about what we could see, looking at comics or magazines with us, drawing etc to keep us quietly occupied. These days, lots of children aren’t taught in this way because it’s tiring and many of us would rather look at our phones whilst our kids are tootling about on their iPads, but there are also parents who think this crushes their little darling’s natural exuberance so they are happy for their child to piss everyone else off because they are ‘expressing themselves’. Add this to the growing culture of ‘I’ll do whatever I fucking want, when I want to’ and it’s no surprise that eating out, going to the theatre/cinema and generally being in public is so unpleasant.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/07/2022 11:48

Yes, I am so intolerant I can hardly bear to eat out anymore. It was drummed into me as a child by everyone I knew and bad manners were punished.
So as a result I only have to see someone holding their knife like a pen and I can't even talk to them.
I wish I could let it go now I'm older and I think it's turned into some kind of phobia.

KrisAkabusi · 04/07/2022 11:53

Personally, I hate bad etiquette, the worst offenders are those who drink pints whilst in a restaurant. Pisses me off. I just think some people have no awareness of where they are, it's embarrassing
😁😃

BeyondMyWits · 04/07/2022 12:10

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 04/07/2022 11:23

I don't agree, every culture has there own set of table manners, my DP has some manners and customs she brings from Russia/Lithuania. My friend from Zim is different again. It's a global phenomenon.

I just think this casual manner is very much formed in Western societies, slack arses, it permeates not just eating but dress sense, etc.
Personally, I hate bad etiquette, the worst offenders are those who drink pints whilst in a restaurant. Pisses me off. I just think some people have no awareness of where they are, it's embarrassing.
SIL, chomps her way thru every meal, plus picking and flicking. It's like eating with an animal.
Luckily our table was always dressed and laid out for eating, we're passing those traditions down.

That's lovely. We have no table, nor do we have room for one.

(And yes, that means we have to eat Christmas Dinner on lap trays... the usual question that follows)

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 04/07/2022 12:11

Maybe you have never sat next to someone almost paralyzed with embarrassment about which cutlery to use.

Nope. I would avoid such people like the plague.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/07/2022 12:12

YANBU. Some people are just D'GASTAAANG!!!!😂

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 04/07/2022 12:13

Personally, I hate bad etiquette, the worst offenders are those who drink pints whilst in a restaurant. Pisses me off. I just think some people have no awareness of where they are, it's embarrassing.

How does this affect you in the slightest?

Hobbitfeet32 · 04/07/2022 12:23

Well 50% of my family are Asian and mostly eat with their hands. Fortunately if I ask for a fork when eating with them they don’t recoil in disgust.

Cathod · 04/07/2022 12:26

Worse one I can remember was a man in an Italian restaurant. Not only was he sneezing everywhere without a tissue (when covid restrictions had just been lifted) but he lifted a piece of spaghetti high up in the air with his fingers and slurped it from the bottom. He proceeded to chew with his mouth open. We actually moved tables as he was so off putting! His toddler who was with him had much better manners.