Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

[lunavista]

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

Quite a few people who post threads on MN ask to have them deleted because they have been ‘outed’ in real life. It’s not as anonymous as you seem to think.

Did I read on the first page they text morning every day? Your friend is crushing on this married man and needs to pull herself back to reality. Hysterics over this too?

Who gets into hysterics over friendships past the age of 15?

Wow.

Wildly inappropriate on various levels.

Who the fuck does that?
What man would offer to stay in a female colleague's home to help with the childcare without it having some ulterior (and possibly dodgy) motive?

It's just gross frankly and I'm amazed that neither you nor her can see it.

#blessed #makingmemories 🤮

@Eightiesfan

Thank you again. I am coming to that conclusion myself. I have not been defensive in my stance, I have learned that I was naive and hasn't been able to see from his or his wife's side. As she's my friend, I was only focussed on helping and comforting her. Having been corrected, I have communicated to her to see things from their side as well. It's all I can do.

Thank you to everyone who kindly offered their perspective and corrected mine. I appreciate it.

Have a lovely day!

I think you sent a good follow up response about considering it from his wife’s point of view.
Even with really close friends to both of us, I would be a upset at them spending the weekend with my DH in those circumstances and would question the motivation. I think given your friend isn’t really a family friend but a friend of the DH it makes it even more so.
We read all the time on here about men who have emotional affairs, I think the DH in this scenario made a wise choice to clearly draw a line.

Why would she even offer unless she's looking for a 'way in' while his wife is awaY?

And what business is it of yours anyway?

Sorry just read your updates.

I am happy that the colleague drew a line in the sand so clearly with her as it needed doing.

@lunavista you said she was mortified and hadn’t really thought it through. So now she should say - “I’m really sorry, I simply didn’t think it through and now I have realised how it might look both to you and [wife] I am completely mortified and can't believe I didn’t see it before. You’re absolutely right, it is completely inappropriate. If I can help out in more appropriate ways, such as workload, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m very sorry if I have offended you but please accept my sincere apology” or something like that.

I know I shouldn't have laughed, but...

Right? 😂

Would your friend offer to move in with a woman who’s husband was away to help out?

that’s the oddest and completely inappropriate offer I’ve ever heard. Why would a man need a woman moving in with him to help him parent in the absence of his wife?

offering childcare/help with nursery/school runs would be the most I’d find understandable. Moving in with a fully functioning capable adult who manages to hold down a job to assist in the absence of his wife, is so weird.

I do find the idea on mumsnet that no one should ever want help with their kids a bit odd. Yes I'm sure he can cope alone but if this is a last minute emergency and usually the routines and childcare revolve around there being 2 adults in the house, it's not beyond understanding that some things may be a bit trickier this weekend and some help may be appreciated (rather than needed).

However, the level of help she was offering seems totally disproportionate - moving in for the weekend is such an intimate thing to do, I probably wouldn't accept that kind if help from anyone outside immediate family, whatever the gender. Letting him know she was about if he needed anything far more appropriate eg shopping, watching the child for a short period etc.

I think your text to her was good and has explained it well. Even if it's all innocent, the last thing his wife needs now is to be uncomfortable with what might be happening back at home .

bloody hell

i think you need to help your “friend” get some much needed help in learning how to engage in the world.

because someone who does this have similar encounters on a daily basis!

I've offered to help Male and Female friends with absolutely anything they might need if they are going through a hard time. Including childcare. If it wasn't for the wife already not liking the friendship (which shows it's not a proper family friend), then there would he nothing wrong with this.

Your friend sounds batshit

I'm glad you've shifted perspectives @lunavista - hope your friend does too!

Sorry but your friend is bloody WEIRD. Why on earth would the man need help looking after his own child??? Does she offer to help the man's wife look after their child?- I bet not and if not, why not?

My guess is it comes down to that stupid misogynistic idea that the poor helpless men need help "babysitting" their own kids and yet mothers are just supposed to get on with it with no help because well, theyre female.

It was a bizarre and inappropriate thing for your friend to offer to help him look after his own child when you know damn well she'd never offer that to his wife.

I'd love to see the text.

"Hey Dave, sorry to hear that your wife's parent is dying and she'll be away, you know how she doesn't like me, how about i just move in while she's away?"

Your friend was being a sexist twat.
Why did she assume that her friend could not care for his own child?

He was probably mortified by her suggestion.
So it would be beneficial to her - & future objects of any "let me help you" offensive - if she could lose the focus on her own "mortification" & spend some time thinking about the helpfulness you say she exhibits elsewhere in life, & what her motivations genuinely are.
Is she a people-pleaser? Or a bit controlling? Or just patronising in general? It's lovely to be a helpful person, but ... concerning that she was unable to sense-check herself before behaving in such a grossly inappropriate way.

And YES - it could look, to a 3rd party, like she was moving in for the kill.
Or why wait until the child's mother, the man's wife, is absent before it occurs to her to offer "help"?

I would have found her offer overwhelming & suffocating. Move IN for the weekend? WHY? Has she no social life? Nothing she needs to be doing for herself or her own family, or other friends? Why did she feel she had to invite herself to stay in somebody else's gaff?

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?
Can you not? Really? Or are you teasing us? How do you sustain that concept alongside what you also know about her friendship with this man? -
I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

The doublethink is strong in this one. Or ... you ARE the friend.

Come to think of it

You are most definitely NOT the person to help your friend learn how to engage in the world without leaving a trail of people looking quizzically at her (or offended)

You both need some assistance!

"My guess is it comes down to that stupid misogynistic idea that the poor helpless men need help "babysitting" their own kids and yet mothers are just supposed to get on with it with no help because well, theyre female."

My colleague's husband was abroad a couple of weeks ago and her mum came over to help with the children. Was that wrong then?

It was massively weird of your friend to offer, why would he need help with his own child for a weekend? Does she want to play house with him and his kid?

Super inappropriate. And smacks of sexism - why does he need another woman to move into his house while his wife is away?

Inappropriate.