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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

407 replies

lunavista · 03/07/2022 11:42

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 03/07/2022 13:05

Gwenhwyfar · 03/07/2022 13:03

All the people saying it's weird - would it be weird for a female friend to offer to help another female friend? Probably not so this is about what the wife will think, or even what the neighbours will think.
If it were me I'd just reply 'oh, Ok then, let me know if there is anything else I can do to help'.

What…?

Even my best friend of 40+ years doesn’t offer to move herself in when DH is away with work.

Confused
Babyroobs · 03/07/2022 13:06

Very odd to offer to stay in the house, totally inappropriate and rather patronizing to suggest that the dad needs help unless he needs to work or is disabled or something, why on earth would he need help to manage one small child??

Ofcourseandyouknowit · 03/07/2022 13:07

lunavista · 03/07/2022 12:50

Ok you painted an image for me I can't shake and it's made me text her this:

" May be think of it from his wife's point of view. It's a tough time to deal with already and now she will have to think about the motivation of another woman wanting to be in her house while she's away. Especially as you said on Friday, she's not all that keen about your friendship. Instead of being offended about his response may be you can think where he's coming from, in relation to what's happening in their family? It might be innocent but can easily be viewed as overstepping the mark"

That was a really difficult image you painted for me but thank you as it help me find the words I wanted to say to her.

Show quote history

This was the right thing to text. As a general rule, I think if a partner doesn’t feel comfortable with an opposite sex friendship (or same sex if it’s a same sex couple) the appropriate thing is for the friend to keep their distance. Texting would certainly be out of the question honestly. Also if the wife is travelling to her mother solo does that mean they have a different cultural background to your friend?

AquaticSewingMachine · 03/07/2022 13:07

Gwenhwyfar · 03/07/2022 13:03

All the people saying it's weird - would it be weird for a female friend to offer to help another female friend? Probably not so this is about what the wife will think, or even what the neighbours will think.
If it were me I'd just reply 'oh, Ok then, let me know if there is anything else I can do to help'.

It would be really weird for a female friend to offer to move in for the weekend, yes.

Meet you at the park with their DC, sure. Drop some medication around if they can't get to the pharmacy. I've asked a few people to come over and have drinks with me after bedtime while I'm solo this week. Move in? Massive overstep.

maddy68 · 03/07/2022 13:09

Yeah it's a bit wierd also assumes he can't look after his own children so cringe on every level. Fine to say of you need anything give me a call ....but that's it

Indoorcatmum · 03/07/2022 13:09

SO inappropriate and I would be fuming if DP even considered it. Weird offer and massively boundary-crossing.
Bizarre that you can't see the issue

SherbertLemonDrop · 03/07/2022 13:09

I recently offered my help to a fried when her mum died. She thanked me but declined. I didn't call a work colleague in hysterics. What an odd situation. She obviously likes him and see this as her chance.

SherbertLemonDrop · 03/07/2022 13:10

Friend

Indoorcatmum · 03/07/2022 13:10

Ooops, so sorry! Should have rtft. Please forgive me. I can see you have realised why it was wrong of her ❤

bevelino · 03/07/2022 13:11

@lunavista your friend should feel mortified as it was a completely inappropriate offer of help.

b0wser · 03/07/2022 13:12

I've not read the full thread, so my reply is based on the op alone.

Your friend was weird and inappropriate.

Why would the bloke need someone to come and help him look after his kid?

He's a parent and should be capable of holding the fort.

From the POV of the wife, I'd be fuming if this actually happened in my absence.

Chikapu · 03/07/2022 13:16

How do you text someone in hysterics 🤔

Icecreamsodaloda · 03/07/2022 13:16

Because she texted me in hysterics

I'd see that as a massive red flag, why is she so upset? Totally on the wife's side in this situation, your friend massively overstepped and her reaction to it could indicate that there was an ulterior motive at worse, at best she likes to make everything about her.

Fraaahnces · 03/07/2022 13:18

I’m wondering if she’s a bit of an oblivious people-pleaser kinda person and simply did not think about what she was offering could be misconstrued.
That or she lacks boundaries entirely. I’d be completely weirded out if one of my DH’s colleagues offered the same. She didn’t think that it’s his responsibility and that he probably also has family involved?

dottiedodah · 03/07/2022 13:18

Sounds like your friend is after him! Sorry I cant see many people being OK with this . She needs to cool the friendship a little .Look for someone whos not spoken for!

beautyisthefaceisee · 03/07/2022 13:18

Yeah, you're the woman, aren't you OP?

MissTrip82 · 03/07/2022 13:18

She must be very busy if she goes and stays with all her female friends whenever their husbands are away. To help them with the children.

UseOfWeapons · 03/07/2022 13:19

SherbertLemonDrop · 03/07/2022 13:09

I recently offered my help to a fried when her mum died. She thanked me but declined. I didn't call a work colleague in hysterics. What an odd situation. She obviously likes him and see this as her chance.

Exactly. Not sure why your friend is having hysterics. Nor why she shouldn’t be mortified. She made a huge error in judgement, both with offering to help a father with his own child, and offering to move in! Hope she’s apologised to him for getting it so wrong and overstepping the mark to the friend and his poor wife. I agree your friend sounds like she was hoping for a chance with him, no matter how she rationalises it to herself. As her friend, it’s good that you’ve realised her mistake, but a real mate would tell you you’d fucked up, and help you put things right , move on, etc., not indulge in underplaying it.

GentlemanJay · 03/07/2022 13:19

It's a bad idea on the face of it.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 03/07/2022 13:19

Icecreamsodaloda · 03/07/2022 13:16

Because she texted me in hysterics

I'd see that as a massive red flag, why is she so upset? Totally on the wife's side in this situation, your friend massively overstepped and her reaction to it could indicate that there was an ulterior motive at worse, at best she likes to make everything about her.

She's upset because she's missed out on pretending to be mummy and a shag with the guy she fancies. Bet she'd be the type to take a ton of photos too while helping and post them on fb, with no context, pretending it's her family. She's likely just nuts.

diddl · 03/07/2022 13:20

I'm guessing she's "in hysterics" because it's a pretty strong "back the fuck off" reply from him.

Most people would just say "let me know if there's anything I can do".

But realistically also why would he need help for one weekend with one child?

I'd be insulted!

There's also the whole "Ooh, wife's off for a bit, let me see if I can move in" which is bloody creepy.

Original poster
lunavista · 03/07/2022 13:21

GrazingSheep · 03/07/2022 13:00

Is your friend aware you are posting all of this? Is her male friend aware? Is his wife aware?

My friend is aware. It's about her not about her friend or his wife. This is why this forum is anonymous?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 03/07/2022 13:22

It wouldn’t be odd to say how bout I come over on Sunday and we could all go to
the park and have lunch. But, assuming the child doesn’t have SN, I can’t fathom why she’d offer to stay - either she is trying it on or she is an OTT and/or lonely person.

The fact he didn’t just say no thanks, would indicate also that she is a line pusher.

TokyoTen · 03/07/2022 13:22

I don't see the problem. She offered, he said no (hopefully no thanks), job done. No drama, unless she makes one. I also don't see why he can't look after his own kid.

Original poster
lunavista · 03/07/2022 13:22

Thank you so much @Eightiesfan . Yes indeed I was looking for other opinions. Why are ppl so unkind on this site?? I have read far more trivial things that are posted here. Do calm down!

OP posts:
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