To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

I wouldn't want to be the only person bringing in a wage for the whole family.

I'd expect you to work now.

I was a sahm with very wealthy husband and no pressure
it was bloody lovely

now divorced in part time work, and bloody love it

Been full time - and wouldn’t do that again as I love my days off too much.

i live in an area where lots are SAHMs, but also a hefty number of part timers. Not many full timers.

i have never ever heard one judgement from anyone about anyone’s choice. Ever.

I don't blame you. Working is so vastly overrated, but it all depends on how consumerist you are and how much money you need. Maybe do a compromise and start with casual work or a part-time job.

I was made redundant two years ago (I'm 55). Prior to that I had a reasonably well paid job and spent a shitload of money of stuff I didn't really need. Now I delete all those spam emails enticing me to buy this or buy that, and generally avoid shops. I try to only buy necessities now. I'm a time millionaire now and love waking up in the mornings and just sitting in the garden listening to the birdsong, going for walks, and reading, tidying the house and garden. Generally I'm just happier and healthier (no shit, Sherlock). I'm learning that I don't need to be buying stuff continually to be happy.

I really don't miss competitive people, bitchiness and backstabbing that I used to encounter at work. Or having my boss being shitty to be just because she had a bad divorce, hasn't met anyone else and is still hung up on all that.

Imagine if someone told you that you'll die of Covid in 2025. Do you really want to spend the last years of your life stressed and sweating away at a job that you hate?

No shortage of people! It's probably worse for single parents. When I was on lone parent allowance, a woman I'd been to school with said her husband's taxes were going to single parents. It was like she was thinking out loud, not trying to be unkind. Later on, after two court cases when I got my x to pay maintenance she said ''I wish somebody would give me a thousand a month''. Friends of my mothers had said isn't it nice for you that you can leave and the government will sort you out. Relatives were constantly asking me when I was going back to work but I had been sahm for a while and had little more earning potential than a childminder but I had two children! one with sn who screamed when I left him. I won't even bother going in to the rest of it, but there was so much judgement. I know the secret is to not let it get under you skin, and I let people's opinions roll off me better now, but there is always plenty of judgment. No matter what you do. Work, stay at home, bit of both, claim, study, when i was first back at work ft and earning ok money, i felt good and happy for about six weeks until i realised my son had told the school he was home alone. He was 11. He got home an hour before his older sibling! Child protection agency sent me a letter and I had to adhere to certain protocols and communicate with the school.

It isn't easy to get back in to the workplace but that doesn't stop people judging.

Oh and if the only option was working in Tesco or Costa? Well, I’d be ducking and diving that for as long as possible as holds no appeal to me!

It would be lovely not to work and live as a lady of leisure.

Could you start by getting a part-time job, working 2-3 days a week? That way, you’ll still have time at home.

Are you nervous about entering the world of work after such a long gap? That’s understandable,

All this judgement!!!!

i am a single parent and have been a sahm and worked

and never encountered or been aware of any judgement

where do you all live?!

😂noone wants to work. Why don't both your husband and you work part time and you could have a nice life together with the same income

This. Just because you've been a SAHM for a long time, doesn't mean you never have to work again. You don't get to choose another person will financially support you to not work simply because you choose to. And yes she has stayed at home for years, whilst he's financially supported her. It doesn't mean he has to do it for the rest of her life.

Most "jobs" are dreadful and boring unless you have an actual career and professional qualifications and ability to progress. As for "socialising" at work, a drink once a month or similar with your colleagues who you may or may not like, isn't the reason to return to work.

I wouldn't want to be the sole earner in a relationship however I wouldn't be selling the idea of a job to you as something "exciting". In most instances and for most people, jobs are just a paycheck which allow you to have a life outside of them.

Yabvu.
Very few people want to work. I certainly don't and strictly speaking don't need to because my husband could cover us both. However, wouldn't dream of even suggesting that I stay at home particularly with the rise in the cost of living.

If you were a man, people would be telling your other half that he had a cocklodger on his hands.

I think ‘I don’t want to work’ is a bit of a blanket statement. There must be something op fancied trying surely and if she doesn’t need money urgently she’s got time to retrain. Perhaps just me but my brain would liquify and fall out my ear without learning new stuff a lot. There’s an exciting opportunity here.

Perhaps it’s nerves as well. That’s understandable.

I really shouldn't fall for these threads, they are probably started by some incel sat in his underpants on his PC in his parents basement. Toss the grenade in and watch the women kick it at one another.

I live in south dublin, and I suppose people are a bit confused by somebody whose life hasn't turned out perfectly. I think in some ways I was unlucky, in my original middle class circles the children of single parents won't suffer because there is enough support and wealth to make sure that the children do not suffer. But I have been an outsider at the school gates. So to speak. I was doubly trapped by childcare responsibilities and I lost ALL of my freedom to earn.
I know that if I hadn't sent my DC to such ''nice'' schools there would have been more single parents and less exclusion/pitying. I felt I did the right thing for them though. Anyway, i have a job now and @kahase72 I recommend it.
I just meant to chime in and show support and acknowledge that it isn't easy.
I didn't mean to be the ambassador for There Is Judgment. Yes I have experienced plenty of it but if you're all out there never having experienced any judgement that is great! My own experiences were different.

I think it comes down to fairness and positive input in your home, your relationship in society and ensuring your future is absolutely secure.

is the balance right in terms of input of work in your relationship ? If one is working and the other not at all then clearly that’s grossly unfair. If one is doing significantly more than the other then issues and cracks will occur. Are you at a point where you can contribute to your wider society using skills/ training to undertake a new role? It sounds as though school pick ups etc aren’t an issue now so working hours should be fine. Think about your financial security too especially as children are older. If you were to separate how much would you receive from your spouse? I believe spousal maintenance is limited especially when kids are older and you’d have to work towards supporting yourself anyway. Also imagine if your husband turned round and said he was giving up work to be at home and the finances were your problem. You are both adults, you don’t have a right to be a “ kept woman” and your husband doesn’t have some sort of parental responsibility for you.

Meal prep service? Laundry. You're having a laugh. I'm sure she's more than capable of doing what millions of other women and men do! She wants an easy life. You're just showing her how to keep it easy.

@Silverswirl are you an MLM recruiter?

What do you do all day? It's not very fair on your husband to be working while you get to do fuck all, is it? I can't imagine there can possibly be that much to do with 3 young people who are plenty old enough to be chipping in themselves.

I don’t want to work either. It’s boring and it sometimes feels very exhausting. I would rather stay at home and read my books, watch telly, go for lovely walks in the park.

But as we haven’t won the lottery yet I work. Your husband wants you to help bring money into the home and doesn’t want to be the sole earner. I mean what if he ‘didn’t want to work?’

And as for ‘the 15 year old might not leave home soon’ so? They’re 15. Presumably they don’t need mum on tap 24/7. They’re unlikely to still be potty training.

I think it’s embarrassing that your youngest is 15 and you haven’t earned anything since then to be honest

I would suggest a half way house being a course that mind open up your horizons and boost your confidence. Plenty of colleges and universities have 'seeking work' units that you can link to.

You might wish to continue your studies.

As for saying you do not 'work' with three kids, one a teen and others approaching teenhood of course you work. It just isn't paid work.

Your DH is right. You're earning extras will give him and the family as a whole a little extra financially and take some of the mental strain off him. Maybe he would like to cut his hours and your working would allow this? Maybe that would be fairer although he would have to do more around the house. I'm assuming you do it all.

Pity her DH doesn't have this option!

"I really shouldn't fall for these threads, they are probably started by some incel sat in his underpants on his PC in his parents basement. Toss the grenade in and watch the women kick it at one another."

Exactly.

There have been doing many so-called 'scenarios' lately to incite this kind of 'debate.' Brings out the worst in women, I think.