To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Perhaps you might present your other half with a balance sheet detailing how much money it would cost to outsource the tasks that you do. Cleaner, cooking, budgeting, school pick ups etc. It's probably around 20 K a year.

Go back to work.
I was a stay at home mum because we lived abroad and I wasn't allowed to work. We returned to the UK when I was 35 and I wanted to go back to work. My youngest was 2 at the time. My husband persuaded me to stay at home because the cost of a house keeper, a nanny and a gardener would be more than I would earn as a midwife, and we didn't need the money.
Fast forward 17 years. He was killed in a car crash and I had three kids in university and no income.
Go back to work.

Yes being interesting. Nothing I love more than people talking about their jobs.

Perhaps you might present your other half with a balance sheet detailing how much money it would cost to outsource the tasks that you do. Cleaner, cooking, budgeting, school pick ups etc. It's probably around 20 K a year.

Or perhaps they could just handle that stuff between them as the vast majority of working couples do. Their youngest child is 15, it's hardly onerous to run a house in those circumstances.

School pick-ups for a 15-year-old? And how many working parents outsource the cooking? Budgeting: bills are likely already set up on direct debit. A cleaner isn’t going to cost £20k pa. Give over.

School pickups? For a 15 year old? And cleaning and cooking will be done between the adults of the house with help from the teens.

Women who don't work for an income that will allow them to remain independent are one man (or woman, but it's usually women in heterosexual relationships who choose not to earn) from welfare. I was told this by a very wise but very impoverished divorcee who had devoted her life to His Job and Their Kids and who was left up shit creek without a paddle upon divorce when the kids were in the latter years of secondary school.

if your partner was happy with the situation that would be another matter.

But he has made clear he is not.

What if the roles were reversed and your stay at home husband expected you to fund his cushy lifestyle forever (even long after your kids have grown up and he has more free time as a result) although you were no longer happy with him doing that? do you think because you are a woman you get a free pass for a life of leisure at someone else's expense?

Your kids are grown up. What exactly do you do all day?

It sounds reasonable to suggest you get involved in some meaningful activity like a. part-time job or volunteering where you will meet new people and have something to talk about when you come home.

I would also see this as a potential threat to your marriage. Your husband might be telling you that he is fed up being seen as a meal ticket and/or that your marriage has gone stale because your horizons are very narrow.

Maybe he wants to reduce his hours or get a less stressful job as he grows older and you working too would give him the opportunity to do that.

Comparing people finding benefits in working to Jonestown is pathetic.
I love working, will never retire fully, and have built a family with strong work ethics. Others may feel differently and that’s their right and prerogative.
Why be so judgemental?

What do SAHMs imagine working parents do?

’charge him for the school pick ups’. For a 15 year old.

budgeting.

Millions of women do this stuff and work FT. Often for less than £20k a year!

I don't think people can assume it's possible to get "just" a shop work/Costa position either after a long gap in working - if there's another candidate with recent experience they'll be first choice. I think volunteering is the best way to go to start with, as PPs have said.

@MrsMontyD - I don’t think that’s true. I love my job - teaching- and went back after having children although I could have stayed at home. It’s a huge part of my identity- particularly now all my children have left home. However I can see that finding any old job as opposed to a satisfying career could be difficult for the OP.

Yeah I'd love to retire too. Menopausal anxiety blows any challenges out of proportion and I feel too old for the 18 hr days at project implementation. Frankly I'd love a low stress Tesco job.
But on the flip side I earn well, we have no
money worries and all being well DH and I will both get to retire at 60 which is a lot better than some.
For your family it was the right thing to stay home as they grew up, now it's time for a different way of life. It doesn't need to be 9-5 5 days a week, maybe agency babysitting could be another option- that's relatively well paid. Or rent out vacant rooms in your house to foreign students.

You are not being unreasonable to say you are worried about going back to work, or that it’s daunting. You are very unreasonable to expect your husband to work for the rest of his life so you can live a life of leisure. Maybe he wants to stop working, go part time or retire early?

Leaving aside the question of whether you should work, have you considered why your husband wants you to? Is there an underlying reason for his wanting you to have greater independence?

Coming back to that question, yes, you should go out to work. Now your children are of an age to be more or less self-sufficient, it's time everyone in the house pitched in with the running of the house, and everyone who is able to contributes to the household income.

It doesn't really matter what any of us think. Your dh would like you to go back to work. Have you asked him why he would like this? Would he like to step back and go part time, change jobs have less financial pressure? Does he resent the time you haven't been at work? Does he think it would be good for you? There is so much to unpick here and what is right for one person may not be right for another. However, being able to stay home from work while supported by another adult is a luxury. Yes you have worked unpaid and probably enabled your husbands career to progress but you have still been very fortunate. I think you need to speak more with your husband. If he feels it's unfair for you to continue contributing or he is no longer prepared to do so now the children are grown up then I think agree with him. Lots of us would prefer not to go to work at all.

Its too risky now if a job goes. My hours are low but its some income into the house. Op do you not find the days long? I found it mind numbing. At least work gets me out of house. My youngest is 16

What would happen if your husband decided he didn't want to work?
Or he fell ill or died?

Stop sponging and get yourself a job! Christ, most people don't WANT to work. they HAVE to!

YABU to ask if you can compel another adult to support you in your decision to not work, yes.

i was a sahp for few years, 5 I think? Anyway I found going back to work quite daunting as had completely lost my confidence with anything work related. Have now been back at work for 18months and while I would prefer 4 days opposed to full time I do enjoy it and has given us better financial stability. My husband actually still earns enough to cover every thing off but having my own pension is a plus for me.
also, this is going to sound a bit doom and gloom, a couple of people I know who were my age have died recently which makes me think what would happen if my husband died. Or if we split up? I think it’s important for any adult to have financial independence.

What if your DH said this to you, that he no longer wanted to work?

^ this.

My dh works abroad a fair bit. When the dc were small I did work pt a few times but - without exception - it just wasn't worth it. Both from the money angle and the hassle/stress to earn what was essentially nmw.

I'm now a carer for an elderly relative and have health issues of my own.

I've protected myself as best I can...car in my name, name on mortgage, savings in my name, ISA etc but there's no doubt you are vulnerable as a sahp.
I'd also get half of dhs very good pension.

Its not what I imagined when I was young but then again, who really can say their life panned out exactly as they planned?

I still have 2 dc at home (and will for the foreseeable tbh) I run 2 voluntary groups. I'm very busy. I just don't get paid for it 🤷

Amazing how the OP gave minimal info as to her 'scenario' and then never returned...,

I have sympathy with the OP. If she hadn't worked for nearly two decades she's only really going to get mind numbing minimum wage sort of jobs, rather than a fulfilling career like many women on this thread will have. Who would actually choose to work for sod all money doing something basic? Not many.

You are a lazy sponger and if the roles were reversed, most folks on this forum would be saying LTB for not contributing. I can't fathom putting all that pressure on someone else to provide for a family of 5 for so long either. Unbelievable.