To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Not unreasonable at all
Although I pity you because must be pretty boring
but if you haven’t worked for decades, the work you’d be getting would be very unlikely to actually be interesting or remotely well paid so, probably adds to your disinclination!!

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable. I can fully understand why you were a SAHM while your children were young and that is absolutely a valuable contribution to the family.

However, please don't underestimate the pressure of being the sole earner for the family. I am the main earner, DH works v part time around our son but that was mainly due to ill health meaning he had to leave his ft job. We have considerable savings so our position is secure. That said, I still sometimes feel the pressure knowing that my salary is the main income for us all.

Maybe your husband is feeling the pressure and wants to share the load? Lots of us would love not to work but bills don't pay themselves.

I find it actually difficult to believe that anyone would choose to be a permanent SAHP unless they actually prefer being at home to being at work with all that involves - deadlines, office politics, performance reviews etc.

You should! My situation is different as Ive been a single parent since dc v small but I know I felt upset when a married friend (very wealthy) suggested to me that I get a job in a pound shop.

Now of course if I posted about that on mumsnet that I was a single mother who felt depressed at the prospect of working in a pound shop and coming home to a messy house and then being judged for being a single parent as well as pitied for working in a pound shop I would have had my arse handed to me on a plate as they say. I felt like my ''status'' was in the gutter because I kept putting the DC first (one has sn) and my x's status thrived.

I did get a job in the end, i got to ''use my brain'' but it was hard securing a job that paid enough not to bankrupt me but didn't want my soul when I was raising dc alone. I went to see a career coach because I couldn't accept all the rejections I was getting.

Married or single I think that if recruiters and employers had any sense they'd realise that mothers cornered out of the workplace and trying to return was a huge untapped market of reliable staff.

YANBU for not wanting to work. I hate it and hate it more as time goes on.

YABVVVVVVU for not being financially independent. It's demeaning and a huge turn off.

I worked pt from when my dc2 was 7-10 and then ft from when he was 11 and I still felt judged for not having managed it all better and sooner.

Your post really resonates with me as well @Girliefriendlikespuppies. I agree with every point you have made.

I love my job. I have a great boss and lovely workmates - note workmates, not colleagues.

I was out at a leaving do yesterday with my workmates, and we had such a good time because not only are we colleagues, we are friends.

After 18 years at home, it will probably feel daunting to re enter the workplace. But is it really fair to expect to stay at home indefinitely?
how about firstly looking at volunteering somewhere to gain some skills and a reference?

Ask him if he’s going to help with housework etc, if you get a part time job you can carry on doing it, full time and he needs to do some or get a cleaner and some help if you can afford it. Have you looked at WFH jobs, or local part time jobs? They are harder to get but I’ve just got a remote job part time as my DD is due to start school in September, the jobs are out there but it can take some time to find one suitable for your lifestyle.

Who on earth by?

i have been a sahm, worked part time, worked full time

and never. Not once. Did did i feel anyone “judged me”

You can't unilaterally decide to be financially supported by another adult.
You were a sahm by agreement. Now your children are grown, your role has changed and it is perfectly reasonable to be expected to contribute financially.

Honestly, you've been lucky enough to ride the gravy train for 18 years. Your husband is very kind. There's no way I would support another able-bodied adult for 18 years. Of course you need to go to work!

Baffles me how anyone can be out of paid work this long unless you are caring for a disabled relative. Most of us went back to work when the kids were a year old.

Other side of the fence here! I have been thinking main breadwinner since DH became sahd and in the past years I've been constantly nagging him to get a job, and it nearly broke our marriage.

He's lost all his skills from his previous profession (tech) but starting a min wage job as of Monday and the money will come in very handy for extras.

It's not just about money though, but self respect/ sense of purpose/ not having everything on my shoulders.

OP - some of the advice here has been good - have a discussion with DH about what type of jobs would be suitable and how to go about re-training. Discuss division of chores - he would have to take on more of the load than you (at least initially while you re-train and interview). I think if you make an effort to see what is out there and engage, then I hope he would be encouraging (and help you with CV etc).

there are many benefits for working: providing for a more comfortable retirement or insuring against your DH becoming ill and having to give up work or for your DH to be able to retire earlier than otherwise or helping your kids with uni fees. It might be scary now - but I think it would be worth it. Good luck!

This is the crux of it, OP.

Meh, zafraz, you're making big assumptions about OP's husband. I've got several SAHP friends (including one male SAHP) with high earning partners, where that definitely is not the dynamic. But arrangements and expectations have been really clear and transparent, and none have remained a SAHP for as long as OP.

I went back to work when DD was 4, but she had health issues that meant that I was her carer. Once they were resolved I skipped back into the office with joy.

Easily baffled?!

Not around where I live. Massive majority are sahm wives with husbands on very high salaries.

no judgement either way.

I did the SAHP thing for just over 12 years OP. I did the speech therapy, intensive reading programs, and all the extras that go with having kids with SEN. My DH struggled with being the breadwinner, so to ease that pressure (because we’re partners) I went back to work. I now work more days and more hours then DH. DH has increased his household tasks he now cooks dinner on the days he doesn’t work and…… nope that’s it.

but, my colleagues really appreciate my work as do my clients sometimes. I just buy stuff now instead of having to justify my needs. I’m glad I went back I will eventually have more options

That’s an unkind thing to say about the kool aid. Maybe you haven’t had the opportunity for a happy work life but many others do. Some of my lifetime best best friends are those I met at work and they have enriched my life greatly

I have learnt so much about different cultures, having worked in multi cultural companies, I laugh every single day at work without fail, I have immense flexibility to fit other stuff I enjoy doing around my working day. I have learnt such an incredible amount about myself and others over the years, from working. It’s given me the opportunity to give my kids wonderful experiences including travelling.

of course there are days which are rubbish. But there are plenty of days which have been rubbish in my life which have been totally unrelated to work. I have worked with some right arses over the years (but also met some real arses outside of work).

This.

And the condescending out of touch comments from working women. Get a little stress free job in a cafe or Tesco...I've actually done Costa and Tesco, believe me neither is stressful or easy. Costa made me ill, dealing with obnoxious customers (mainly women) was one cause. Retraining in your 50s isn't easy.
Someone above mentioned, where's the sisterhood? Believe me there's no sisterhood.

@Nothappyatwork thanks, useful as I'm just about to re start a new role having been of that particular arena for a while! gonna try and muck in. be humble, not question orders, be a team player. also hopefully I have chosen a very un-dry role which will suit my personality (outgoing 'good with people' type).
sorry didn't mean to de focus thread, it is interesting despite lack of op.

What if he were to tell you he feels tired/drained whatever, but wants to reduce his hours etc? Surely something part time even to help him with the burden of finances is doable. You may be limited with what you can do but it might make him feel good knowing that you are contributing financially. This is not to take away from the important job you did bringing up the kids.

Hmmmm, yes. It's a bit weird some of the things that have been appearing on here. Both SAHP posts and some very anti women, what about the menz posts, with extremely persistent posters that make me wonder....