To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Can't you see - the OP's husband has been quite happy for her to not work WHEN IT SUITED HIM.

not necessarily. He might have wanted her to work for years but there’s always been an reason about the kids needing her at home etc. Now the youngest is 15 he might have decided that excuse is no longer valid in any way.

it’s not uncommon for men to support a SAHM much longer than they wanted to because they simply cannot force her to work and decide a calm home life is better than huge arguments about it.

just as it’s not uncommon for women to end up facilitating hours of men’s weekend cycling - far more than they want to - because they can’t stop him and they’d rather not have the fight.

Genuine question, if your husband divorced you, could you afford to live? If he has told you he doesn't want to fully financially support you (and fair enough, why should he), you need to respect that. If you don't he will end up with resentment, and that could spiral into the breakdown of your marriage.

Your kids are old enough to not need a stay at home parent. You are just being lazy. I don't love my job, but i do it so we share the financial responsibility.

"This thread was clearly a lazy attempt to start an argument and it has worked a treat."

Exactly.

Wouldn't surprise me if its the same person starting all the anti-SAHM threads under some guise or other. It's literally every other day recently,

Just post any old scenario off the top of your head about a woman who doesn't work; then sit back and watch them all go...

If your husband was to leave you, would you have your own money to support yourself?

Entering the workforce would help that.

I think we do need more information to properly weigh in on this. What career did you have before? Is he wanting you to go back full time or part time? Does he care about the salary level? If you go back full time, is he prepared to step up and do his equal share of housework and cooking?

Optimistically, could you take on a low paid ‘hobby’ job that suits your interests? Eg work at the local theatre/gallery/museum/animal rescue centre/whatever interests you.

Unless he is a very high earner though, you do need to think about your future and how comfortable you will be. Not forgetting if the marriage breaks down. I know a lady who was really left hard done by after her divorce from a high earner - her life completely changed from being financially comfortable to struggling to get by.

we have a woman that I work with that quite clearly does not want to be there and has obviously been talked into going back to work to see how it goes and its not going well, she used to be in a very senior position before children and she’s taken a junior one which is an enormous step back for her, the money is shit and I husbands earning over 150 grand a year so she does have an appalling attitude which is depressing the rest of the team .

so on behalf of the rest of us that do have to work can I ask you not to come back unless you really want to

You might like working once you start. Perhaps find a lovely job-work in an art gallery, wedding dress shop, cake shop-what ever takes your fancy. Make sure it’s something you enjoy.

Assuming the previous 18 years have been mutually agreed then you’re at risk now of becoming a fanny lodger.

Another thing to point out is that it will be good for you to work to at least earn most of the NIC years you need to get the full state pension.

I agree with @OverTheRubicon . If I was your husband I’d have been making noises about you going back to work when the kids went to secondary school. You’re not a SAHM - your kids don’t need you to stay at home, you’re more lazy and entitled.

A friend of mine was in the same position as you - refused to go back to work, her husband didn’t see why she shouldn’t share some of the financial burden. She left her husband for a very rich man nearly 40 years older than her. The kids were appalled and stayed with their Dad. So while she’s now living a life of idle luxury, her new man is getting increasingly forgetful and she’ll probably be his career in a few years. And she has very little contact with her kids. What a marvellous example to set your children!

And she has benefitted from doing the cleaning and childcare without any worries about money!

So why does only she get to put her feet up and relax for the next 15-20 years while her poor husband keeps working? What if HE wants a break too?

@zafraz interesting take! food for thought there.
Op has totally vanished which makes this thread seem a bit strange.
anyway I've gone back 80% in a low ish paid role which I find rewarding, dh supportive of my need to do something meaningful and so we take that hit to family finances.
He's mindful I wouldn't actually be able to cope with ft for various reasons.

Yes, even if it's in a shop, don't worry about that, just worry about your pension contribution being made.

I got a pension statement from the social welfare contributory pension people recently (I'm not in the uk,but similar) and I only got back in tot he work place at 44 so by 67 I'll only have 23 years. Bit upsetting that.

There's a non contributory pension too but I think that's means tested so not sure if I'd be eligible for a non contrib pension too.

I wasted so many years not working.

I'm a single parent.

I get it. My MH and general balance would be a lot happier if I worked PT or stayed at home. I feel much more trapped working FT. However, until I find avenues to ensure some sort of income equivalent to what I bring in, I can't- we need the money and I do like earning.

You need your partner's support on this though. I suspect there's still a lot for you to do that keeps the show on the road and he hasn't realised. Could you try working some extremely PT hrs? You bring in some cash, you've shown some willing but you're not entirely locked in.

@zafraz I do agree with your points though.

I found it incredibly hard to get back in to the workforce in a way that worked for me, I had two small dc and no massive earning potential. People expected me to earn enough to break even. Anyway, I found myself getting so frustrated with employers. I was hardly ancient at 44 (and I was looking for work at younger ages too) but because I had last worked for a big company at 32, I could KISS that goodbye, no way would a company like that rehire me, although, they'd hire people with no experience at all.

So, it's not impossible but it's an uphill struggle and society simultaneously judges women who don't manage to get back in to the workplace but also makes it really hard for them. Employers bemoan the lack of staff but they mean young staff. I know for a fact that as I got older I became a better employee but a less desirable candidate.

I have a job now and it's v secure, pay goes up gradually, slowly but it does go up. Pension contributions are being made.

You can have the best of both worlds. Get a job paying minimum £120 a week and then you will have your NI contributions towards your state pension. The rest of the time you can do whatever you want.

You make it sound like she's made some heroic sacrifice to be at home. You missed the bit where she doesn't want to work and is expecting her husband to continue to work, which he might not like either, to allow this to happen. She's had 18 years not working, time to do her share.

interesting, can you say a bit more about what kind of things she does?

considering we could be entering a recession where people lose their jobs due to redundancy- I would think carefully about choosing not to work.

currently your financial status is risky. If you both worked (even if you did 16 hour weeks!) you could provide some cash to cover bills IF your DH lost his job.

Maybe he’s worried (and rightly so) about his job security.

And what about pensions?

Do you actually think most women that work would chose to work if they were financially independent? I hate having to get up on a Monday morning but I do it because that way I am financially secure. Also it stops me turning into a narrow minded bore.

"Even if it's in a shop" what a snobby attitude. MN is hilarious with all the women who have sacrificed their high flying careers and how awful to be dragged down to the level of working in a shop.

Nothing wrong with having a bit of self respect and being an adult earning a living.

Too true.

Oh wait is this another thread started to cause a fight? I always fall for those 😔

I might start a thread -

"Hi MAN here... been married 20 years with 3 kids now 19.17,15. Lovely to watch them all growing up and all that - yes, seems they've all turned out well, so that's nice. Of course it's been imperative during these years that my career progression was not impacted by the decision to have these children - AT ALL. Nooo... can't be doing with any of that worry. I've needed to focus 100% you see. So my wife did all that and this meant I never had to take a day off; get home early; worry about travelling or giving it my work my all. No, we couldn't have me - a man - feeling guilty about my work / life balance! Noooo! Anyway, I've just realised the youngest is 15 now. Obviously, my wife has no career to speak of as she's been raising my kids but never mind, surely she can just get a job in Tesco or whatever now. She doesn't seem happy about it through, for some reason. What's going on? AIBU?"

I presume you mean to disrupt the team not the actual work itself ?
She just pushes back when she’s asked to do tasks that the rest of us cheerfully crack on with, she’ll complain that somethings impossible or that what we are asking for doesn’t exist when other people within the team are able to deliver it.
she just quite clearly doesn’t want to be there and she was put in the wrong team in my opinion because the work that she does is quite dry and she is a very good outgoing person.
she doesn’t reported to me so I’m able to just be friends with her and my working day is enriched for it but I feel sorry for her manager.

I'm surprised at how many posters are saying they don't like their work/wouldn't choose to work etc.

My job can be stressful at times (I'm a nurse in the nhs) but it gives me a sense of identity, a purpose, independence, a set of friends and colleagues, it challenges and motivates me. I also feel I am a strong role model for my dd.

Having a job doesn't have to be a bad thing, op may find a new sense of purpose and do something she truly loves and enjoys.