To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Personally I think its entirely different making a unilateral decision to be supported by someone else expecting them to have no say compared to making a unilateral decision that you're not going to fund someone anymore.

I do appreciate the work done in the home point though. But this is where OP says ok, this is what I do in the home so we now either pay the cost of someone doing that on a % of our respective income basis or we do 50/50 of the chores. And then just refuse to do more.

I refuse to do more than my husband. If he does go part time or sahd at some point I will pay into his pension, ensure he has spends, and ensure that after the same sort of hours I do in my job are done by him in the home, we split everything 50/50. If he goes back to work when childcare no longer needed, then he will become responsible again for his pension and spends like now, and household stuff plus childcare will go back to 50/50 like now.

I do understand that perhaps female breadwinners are more alive to what 50/50 actually looks like than men because of societal views but we don't have to put up with partners taking the piss

im a stay at home mum, have been for 17 years. I have outside interests! What makes you think SAHM’s just do housework all day?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted

"Maybe your husband wants you to go back to work not that he’s sick of being the sole support for a family of five but perhaps that he thinks you’ll be less of a bore once you’ve got some form of outside interest other than housekeeping"

The username says it all with that one Goldencarp!

I can't think of a SAHM who doesn't also have a cleaner. And by this so mean many / most women I know licdllu, as friends or through the schools (which is hundreds). Some families with several children also have live-in nannies or au pairs in addition to a SAHM.

We have 4 children. I hsbr tended to have a cleaner in twice a week for 4/5 hours per session, but I never used a nanny or au pair. Some people could literally not believe this. They would talk to my husband as if I was some sort of saint - "Does your wife really have no nanny???" Truth be known, I would have hated some random woman living with us, or even coming in for a few hours a day. It would have been just someone else to manage. But lots of SAHMs use all kinds of nannies etc so they can go out 'hands free' as they feel they need to do.

licdllu - should read 'I know locally' - sorry.

Most of these are non jobs. Driving to unis is done once, all around the same time. ‘Hosting friends’ and ‘cooking big bowls of food’ are things that do not require a SAHP - a 15 year old can prepare food while their parents are working, and what are you doing with these friends that needs regular ‘hosting?’ As for helping them make life decisions - hardly a 40 hour a week job is it?

Bearing in mind this is mumsnet -

where your teens can gorge on shit loads of food unnescessarily and you just smile indulgently and cook up endless bowls of pasta and snacks and just buy more and go to supermarket every day.

How can you work when you’ve gotta be down Asda every day buying yet more food for your teens to mindlessly hoover up?!

I think the majority of cheating men cheat with other women from work. There is often a divide that grows without the SAHM realising often what’s going on. The man feels more understood by a fellow colleague than someone who is spending the family money, not earning and talking about coffee mornings, whether to have the salmon or the trout for dinner, the new pergola and Timmy’s Halloween costume. It happened to my mum and the fall out was horrific. They had decided when they married that it would be great to take the traditional roles. Dad’s career soared whilst my mum ironed, baked, child reared, cleaned, and so the gulf between them widened along with the inequality financially and mentally. It’s a shit show. She got left with little in the end it’s so sad.

😂

I’m not bothered if someone doesn’t want to work but just say you can’t be arsed/want to chill at home everyday. ‘I need to help my 15yo make life decisions, cook up big bowls of food, and host their friends’ is just a bit weak.

My Ex didn't want to go back to work after being a SAHP.

Still wanted to spend money though.

I'd love a life like that, can see why you would find it attractive.

Absolutely! To both posts! But this is far too sensible and pragmatic a stance for these threads!

All of this with bells on. With a youngest at 15 surely they host their own friends and cook their own big bowls of food anyway?

Thanks for all the smarmy replies about cooking for teens! You all conveniently missed the bit which started "of course you can work and look after teens"!

My post was about me individually finding that there was more to looking after teens than I had realised relating to emotional support, transport and support at uni, a lot of cooking and practical input. That has been my own personal experience, contrary to these threads where every child, after the age of twelve, can look after themselves and are totally independent.

This was not about justifying myself thanks very much as I do work and my teens do help. But there are times, ime, when they need quite a bit of help and practical support too. And many of my friends have had the same experience.

What happens when your DH says he doesn't want to work and quits his job?

If I didn't work then I'm sure I could fill my days with something, plenty of things to do around the house. But this is not the same as 'can't possibly work because I need to wash my dog'

I think my teen would be horrified if I tried to host their friends beyond saying hi 😂

YANBU to not want to work. Lots of people don't.

But YWBU to not work when you're perfectly able to.

Maybe you could get a part time job that enables your DH to go down to four days or something? He's no doubt been working flat out over the years as you have been too at home, it would be nice for him to be able to enjoy some time at home and you some time at work!

So would one of mine! But the other I am afraid has terrible anxiety owing to having had many serious abdominal operations over the years which has left her with some side effects and she finds having people over stressful. We nonetheless encourage it for her mh and she always enjoys it in the end. So please do not judge what level of support my teens need bc you cannot possibly know!

I don’t think I mentioned anyones teen except my own there did I? 🤷🏻‍♀️

No but, as you well know, I was the poster who first mentioned hosting friends of teens so it was a fairly safe assumption that you were referring to me, so pls don’t be disingenuous about it.

I actually couldn’t have told you you were that poster. I know now. I still didn’t make any comment about your children so chill out dude.

Yeah, yeah! I believe you "dude"... cos posters "chillin out" is the intended reaction to all of your goady posts on these particular sahp v wohp threads, of course it is

Yknow, I enjoy a good old Sunday afternoon debate on a made up thread as much as the next poster. And I’m never afraid of putting my point across. But I really do not appreciate it when people accuse me of lying, you seriously need to step back and take a deep breath.

And you seriously need to stop being goady.

I’m really sorry you are so wound up that you regard someone else putting their side of a debate forward as goady. It can’t be good for you.

I am just fine. Thanks for your faux concern.