Page 26 | To not want to work.

kahase72 · 2022-07-03T00:06:33+00:00

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Desiredeffect · 04/07/2022 05:33

No one really wants to work but being a, lone parent to a disabled dd I was home looking after her for 17 years. Now I work I feel better to work as gives me independence and social good for my mental health. It's only part time but I can always do more hours and I'm lucky it's a 19 min walk from my house

Eeksteek · 04/07/2022 10:18

@Newmumatlast

I agree it should not be a unilateral decision to stay home. But it shouldn’t be a unilateral decision for a SAHP to go back to work, by exactly the same logic. Furthermore, as the research shows that women are still doing more at home than men, even if they work, the probability is that the the OPs DH does not have a full picture. It’s also very likely that he thinks getting a cleaner for four hours a week will cover it. And we both know it won’t. Like I said, 20 hours a week, that he likely doesn’t even know about. It would be unfair to have a conversation about going back to work workout first acknowledging the work OP is already doing, and factoring it in to the proposed division of labour. Because in his mind it’s her=0 hours him 40=hours plus commute. And that’s not an accurate staring point.

Metabigot · 04/07/2022 10:58

A few years ago I was in the position of having a well paid job (40k ) where 75% of the time I was sat at home doing nothing. At first it was great but after a few years with zero career progression opportunity and just a sense of wasting my skills and potential I packed it in.

It felt like I'd retired early and maybe at a later stage of my career I'd be OK with that but seeing all my friends progress to management positions and feeling stuck, I got out.

I'm now in a management position elsewhere and much happier. Earning a bit more but after inflation, not that much more tbf.

So it's not true that not everyone wants to work.

I could have stayed on the dossy path but after 5 years of it I was depressed and frustrated.

I need to feel purposeful and get that from work. Even if I won the lottery Id start a business or more likely a charity or something.

Rolledhemsandtreadlemachines88 · 04/07/2022 11:10

Eeksteek · 04/07/2022 03:51

@Anothernamechangeplease

It’s based on my experience. My mother came to stay for a couple of weeks, while I sorted a probate house sale, and the difference just being able to…..walk out was astounding. She didn’t even do that much - I batch cooked before, so she served meals and cleared away, did all the school runs, generally tidied up a bit and did laundry, plus errands and grocery shopping while DD was at school. She probably did mow the lawn, but she won’t have cleaned. The transition from ‘house’ to ‘work’ was so much less stressful and I was much less frazzled, even though I still had the general mental load. I felt so free, even though I still did bedtimes (which were a marathon in these days) and activities. Maybe I was just used to doing it all on my own and it was just amazing not carrying the whole kit n cabboodle for once. I don’t think so though. I think it was going from being the default parent all the time, to one with specific, ringfenced much lesser responsibilities. I recall thinking at the time that this is what it must feel like being a dad, and no wonder they got better work prospects. It didn’t matter what time I got home, mum would sort dinner. Or what was for dinner. Or if DD had a clean uniform or wouldn’t get in the car and was late to school. For a pretty blissful couple of weeks, none of that was my problem!

I think this is a really interesting post. People often underestimate the benefit of being able to walk out of the house in the morning and not have to stress about basic household stuff. It's about the emotional relief from the mental load, not just the physical tasks. And to be able to stay late at work or travel spontaneously or not stress when a child is ill and home from school. It does make a difference.

Nothappyatwork · 04/07/2022 11:11

@Metabigot after five years of it 😳
it certainly sounds as though you gave dossing for a living a good go 🤣🤣

Rolledhemsandtreadlemachines88 · 04/07/2022 11:14

Also teenagers often need you more than young children. And looking after teens often involves a lot of cooking.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 04/07/2022 11:18

I voted against the crowd in this instance, yanbu to not want to work. But I think that that rather misses the point of the nature of work. Most people I think it's fair to say wouldn't do their work if they weren't paid.

Start looking for work / thinking about ideas of what you could do sooner rather than later. Aim for a degree of fairness / equality in how much leisure time you and your partner have taking into account how much time you spend on the kids and house each day.

If you can find something worth doing, do it as well as you can.

Rolledhemsandtreadlemachines88 · 04/07/2022 11:18

Sorry, posted too soon. Of course you can work and look after teens but people automatically make the assumption that looking after teens is much easier than looking after primary school age kids and I didn't find that to be the case at all. Yes they are much more independent in some ways but also they require a lot of emotional support and driving around to unis and help with sometimes big life defining decisions. Teaching them to drive. Cooking huge bowls of food. Hosting friends. It's a lot more hands on than I had imagined it to be is what I am saying.

rookiemere · 04/07/2022 11:20

@Rolledhemsandtreadlemachines88 I wouldn't say teens need you more, but rather they need emotional rather than physical support- but being able to give some lifts certainly helps to understand any concerns they have.

Yes teens eat a lot , but I wouldn't have said either of the above things warranted a full
Time SAHP. In fact you could argue that it's important for teens to learn a bit of self sufficiency- our 16 year old can knock up some basic meals or buy a pizza - rather than having all of his needs provided by his DPs until he hits real life.

Anothernamechangeplease · 04/07/2022 11:37

Rolledhemsandtreadlemachines88 · 04/07/2022 11:18

Sorry, posted too soon. Of course you can work and look after teens but people automatically make the assumption that looking after teens is much easier than looking after primary school age kids and I didn't find that to be the case at all. Yes they are much more independent in some ways but also they require a lot of emotional support and driving around to unis and help with sometimes big life defining decisions. Teaching them to drive. Cooking huge bowls of food. Hosting friends. It's a lot more hands on than I had imagined it to be is what I am saying.

Of course, but all of those things can be quite easily done alongside a full time job, can't they? Nobody is saying that teens don't need parenting. They just don't need childcare in the way that younger children do.

ancientgran · 04/07/2022 11:38

Eeksteek · 04/07/2022 10:18

@Newmumatlast

I agree it should not be a unilateral decision to stay home. But it shouldn’t be a unilateral decision for a SAHP to go back to work, by exactly the same logic. Furthermore, as the research shows that women are still doing more at home than men, even if they work, the probability is that the the OPs DH does not have a full picture. It’s also very likely that he thinks getting a cleaner for four hours a week will cover it. And we both know it won’t. Like I said, 20 hours a week, that he likely doesn’t even know about. It would be unfair to have a conversation about going back to work workout first acknowledging the work OP is already doing, and factoring it in to the proposed division of labour. Because in his mind it’s her=0 hours him 40=hours plus commute. And that’s not an accurate staring point.

The OP doesn't say he thinks she should work fulltime, I would think getting back into work part time would be a good compromise with her having some financial independence, him feeling he is getting some support with the finances and her still being around for the children and if she is doing more of the housework.

rookiemere · 04/07/2022 11:41

My teen mostly seems to want parenting post 10pm when ideally I'd be sleeping.
It's a nuisance but hardly interferes with my ability to hold down a job.

madasawethen · 04/07/2022 11:43

PaniDomu · 03/07/2022 18:08

@BellePeppa I’ve always worked outside the home. I bake and cook all meals from scratch. Laundry also gets done, and the place is tidy. It’s not demanding work. I often get up early and put dinner in the slow cooker or bake before going to work. You don’t need to be at home to do it.

I work in a very male dominated area. Of the men who regularly play away or leave their wives, I don’t know one who has a wife that works. As one said to me “I don’t want to come in and hear about what Tesco has on offer or the latest school gate drama. I’d like some interesting conversation and some awareness of what’s going on in the world. I don’t get that at home.”

Isn't it amazing how so many men are incapable of working and taking care of their home.

If a man is going to cheat, he'll do it whether he has a working wife or sah wife.

ancientgran · 04/07/2022 11:43

Rolledhemsandtreadlemachines88 · 04/07/2022 11:14

Also teenagers often need you more than young children. And looking after teens often involves a lot of cooking.

Good for them to learn how to cook, I'm currently 6 months into teaching teenage GC to cook and he can cook some nice dishes from scratch, pastas, curries, a grill or roast. It's a life skill and generally teenagers are well able to do it, he says he enjoys food far more now he understands someone has made that effort for him and he loves his own cooking. I also like sitting down and having a meal I haven't had to cook so the time investment was worth it.

All I've got to do now is work on teaching him about clearing up afterwards.

ancientgran · 04/07/2022 11:49

Eeksteek · 04/07/2022 03:51

@Anothernamechangeplease

It’s based on my experience. My mother came to stay for a couple of weeks, while I sorted a probate house sale, and the difference just being able to…..walk out was astounding. She didn’t even do that much - I batch cooked before, so she served meals and cleared away, did all the school runs, generally tidied up a bit and did laundry, plus errands and grocery shopping while DD was at school. She probably did mow the lawn, but she won’t have cleaned. The transition from ‘house’ to ‘work’ was so much less stressful and I was much less frazzled, even though I still had the general mental load. I felt so free, even though I still did bedtimes (which were a marathon in these days) and activities. Maybe I was just used to doing it all on my own and it was just amazing not carrying the whole kit n cabboodle for once. I don’t think so though. I think it was going from being the default parent all the time, to one with specific, ringfenced much lesser responsibilities. I recall thinking at the time that this is what it must feel like being a dad, and no wonder they got better work prospects. It didn’t matter what time I got home, mum would sort dinner. Or what was for dinner. Or if DD had a clean uniform or wouldn’t get in the car and was late to school. For a pretty blissful couple of weeks, none of that was my problem!

I can get that with young children but the OPs youngest child is 15, 3 kids aged 15 and over should be able to do all of that, I was doing the families shopping when I was younger than that, no reason why they can't tidy round, do the laundry, take turns with cooking. They aren't babies.

RJnomore1 · 04/07/2022 12:25

@ancientgran you made me laugh! The clearing up after is always a work in progress with teens…

I agree they need more emotional support but I don’t think trying to justify yourself by NOT getting them cooking, washing, contributing to household life does teens any good at all. In fact it probably just raises another generation who need someone else to facilitate their lives because they’re too important to do it…

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/07/2022 12:41

Rolledhemsandtreadlemachines88 · 04/07/2022 11:14

Also teenagers often need you more than young children. And looking after teens often involves a lot of cooking.

@Rolledhemsandtreadlemachines88

does it? Why?

when it comes to terms, for breakfast they can get it themselves, lunch they can buy at school or college or make themselves a packed lunch, that only leaves dinner which mum or dad would bd cooking anyway (although teens should probs do that sometimes too). You’re not gonna start cooking two dinners a night are you so what’s the extra cooking that you speak of?

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:41

@Mummyford

you were working in law. Of course they had the “good sense” not to voice. Combined with many years of legal training

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:42

But I do agree the poster you were referring to is taking out her behind

WimpoleHat · 04/07/2022 12:45

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:41

@Mummyford

you were working in law. Of course they had the “good sense” not to voice. Combined with many years of legal training

That amused me - the biggest cheater/misogynist/objectifier of women I have ever met was a reasonably big cheese in one of the biggest City law firms. He was absolutely notorious….and his views were well aired and well known. (At one point he was pretty openly shagging his trainee, his boss’s nanny and a colleague - as well as his wife, of course!)

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:48

WimpoleHat · 04/07/2022 12:45

That amused me - the biggest cheater/misogynist/objectifier of women I have ever met was a reasonably big cheese in one of the biggest City law firms. He was absolutely notorious….and his views were well aired and well known. (At one point he was pretty openly shagging his trainee, his boss’s nanny and a colleague - as well as his wife, of course!)

Show quote history

How long ago?

My industry has changed enormously in last 10 years

Mary46 · 04/07/2022 12:58

Part T is ideal but hard to get. I found I had no downtime doing full t. Her ortho apts were at 5. My sil is at home he says house run better with 1 home. I agree alot run round after teens. I get school hols off so that helps. I guess its whatever works for your family

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 13:04

I totally agree

everyone is acutely aware, so even the old boys (of which there are few left now) are careful

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 13:05

I missed whether @PaniDomu has children?

SAHMonMN · 04/07/2022 13:11

Why do people always come on threads and say "Oh I once knew a lawyer / CEO who said x,y,z and was having an affair...?" What is the point or relevance of this kind of anecdote to the price of fish?

Do you think men on MW are not having affairs? Or men in general, regardless of salary?

There are men with god knows how many children with god knows how many women and who are trying to dodge paying any child support or parenting of any of them.

Yet women with hardworking, stable decent men who are proud to support their families and have worked hard to be able to do so, are told they are naive and their husbands are most likely misogynists? Ok then...