To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Some of the most successful men in my field have a full time stay at home trad wife. They pretty much have free reign to spend the time they need/want on getting ahead and the people they are competing against simply don’t have the same headspace or enough hours in the day to deliver at their level.

But most people aren't in these sorts of hyper competitive jobs. Most people can manage to do their job perfectly well without a stay at home spouse. Certainly when their youngest child is 15.

When the OP is framed around the woman wanting to be a SAHM the narrative that comes is 'but you're sponging and making your husband work'

When the OP is framed around the husband wanting a SAHM the narrative that comes is 'but you're giving up the opportunity to work'

As long as the woman's position as wife and mother is denigrated that's all that matters.

I've seen enough of these threads to realise it's never genuine either way, it's only about pretending working is the ideal because that's what they have to do and admitting they don't want to would mean admitting they're miserable.

What I was trying to say is that if the fictional DH does want the fictional OP to now get a job after 15 years, there are ways of approaching this.

He has to be realistic, basically. Would he be happy to take a menial job at his stage of life? I'm guessing the answer is no? So then what the hell gives him the right to expect that of his wife?

If he feels they could genuinely do with the extra money - well fine, he can initiate a conversation about that. BUT he needs to be realistic, respectful and supportive. It may mean a period of retraining for the fictional OP, for instance. He needs to find out what are her aspirations. Where and how does she see herself spending the next 20 or whatever years. This is a marriage! As I said, he doesn't get to take her best years for his convenience and then kick her out in any old job ad snd even suits him. He has been part of the SAHM set-up over the years. He took on a role within that and there are obvious consequences. That is the deal.

My first two years back to work was five days a week and I was not coping very well with working every day and doing all the usual house stuff (I’m a single mum so didn’t have a partner to share the load). The house became a complete wreck as I was too exhausted to do anything. Both my children had heavy daily homework loads and long days (left the house at 7.50 and back from school 5.30) so I didn’t demand too much of them. It just all went to pot. I’m part time now but after five years of no longer being a sahm, the house barely resembles what it once was. I worked before having children and apart from a couple of jobs I hated most of them - the office politics, the commute, the expense of the commute. I have a much better balance now though but it’s taken a few years.

"But most people aren't in these sorts of hyper competitive jobs. Most people can manage to do their job perfectly well without a stay at home spouse. Certainly when their youngest child is 15."

Yes but those who are in hyper-competitive jobs are more likely to have a SAHM set-up. Until you've walked in someone else's shoes, you aren't in a position to comment on other peoples lives.

Anyway, this is a moot point because the OP's DH has no job because the thread is blatantly FAKE.

He has to be realistic, basically. Would he be happy to take a menial job at his stage of life? I'm guessing the answer is no?

For all we know, he is doing a menial job and has been doing one for years in order to support his family.

As I said, he doesn't get to take her best years for his convenience and then kick her out in any old job ad snd even suits him.

Again, for all we know he may never have been totally behind her decision to be a SAHM. Maybe it was her 'taking his best years' in order to allow her to sit at home for two decades?

All that being said, the fact that the OP has done a hit and run makes me think the entire scenario is fictional.

Yes but those who are in hyper-competitive jobs are more likely to have a SAHM set-up. Until you've walked in someone else's shoes, you aren't in a position to comment on other peoples lives.

But that's exactly what you've just been doing.

Agree that the thread is fake however.

We will never know anything IcedPurple because the thread is a wind up by a saddo at 1am and designed to provoke the usual MN vitriol against SAHMs. And so many have obliged.

Sure, but being at or near the very top of any field is usually that competitive, and given that the (admittedly probably fictional) OP said that she has three children, hasn’t worked in 18 years and doesn’t strictly need to work it seems probable that her DH benefited in terms of career development. Of course they could have managed, but maybe they made a different calculation, and instead of managing he excelled. Being comfortable on a single salary, with 4 dependents, is pretty financially successful I think. Was he successful first and that facilitated her being able to be a SaHP? Or maybe he was moderately successful initially and they took the gamble of backing his career first and foremost and it paid off long term.

Who knows- but I find the need for people to denigrate this decision really unpalatable and just odd to be honest. It’s perfectly reasonable to think that having two parents in full time work is best for a family, with lots of benefits for everyone, it’s also perfectly reasonable to think having one full-time sahp and one parent almost exclusively focused on their career is the best for a family, with lots of other types of benefits, two things can be true.

I would love to be in the position to choose personally and I wouldn’t feel a bit guilty if we both decided that was the way to go. Alternatively if mine was the most promising career, and we felt it would be beneficial to have my partner be a sahp, I don’t think I would feel at all resentful if we both agreed that was for the best.

Exactly Ofcourseandyouknowit.

I’m a single mum so I didn’t have anyone to talk to about Tesco😁 I was able to be a sahm when my children were young because my ex paid substantial child support (he lived abroad so it was 100% down to me to do childcare, home running). It worked for me and was good for my MH as I’d had some miserable jobs before then (all office based). I felt free and in control of my day (not my finances but that’s another story). When my youngest started seniors I had no choice but to get back to work after 16 years and I found it very tough on a personal level but liberating on a financial one.

How do you know she would be bored? You assume she would lack the imagination to do things alongside being a parent and wife

She's not you, and you can't proscribe that onto her, or that what she will find fulfilling. You have to let her be her.

Erm, I know because she is my daughter and I have a good understanding of what she's like. It has nothing to do with wanting her to be like me, and everything to do with what will make her feel happy and fulfilled. And in any case, we have talked about it and she is very clear that she would not want that life.

I did not raise my dd to become a SAHP. I raised her to make her own decisions about what's right for her. If it turned out that being a SAHP was what she really wanted out of life, then of course I would support her, but it's very evident to me that she wants much more than that.

It’s perfectly reasonable to think that having two parents in full time work is best for a family, with lots of benefits for everyone, it’s also perfectly reasonable to think having one full-time sahp and one parent almost exclusively focused on their career is the best for a family, with lots of other types of benefits, two things can be true.

This should be pinned on all threads on this subject! People do what they think is best for their own family - and each of us is uniquely well placed to decide what works best for their own.

Honestly people, as I've said upthread, don't take this post seriously.
The OP has got one previous post which was immediately taken down after immediately being reported.

They won't be coming back.

I haven't read the whole thread but my tuppence is that if your DH has benefitted from you running the home (cooking/cleaning/admin etc) PLUS the vast majority of the childcare (pregnancy to now inc night duty/sickness duty etc) I bet you've worked longer hours than him so far.

I think you've earnt your time easing off on your hours.
It's not as if your youngest has even hit adulthood or is even close to moving out.
When they've all flown the nest then you might be interested in some kind of employment, but you're still mothering at present, not on a gap year!

Bet the OP is loving having no work to do for their DM story.

One post and...we're off!!

I’ve been a sahm for 14years and counting and I hate it hate it HATE IT….my MH is shot I have no skills can’t drive I had my kids very young (too young) and didn’t finish collage but have ok GCSEs but who will hire me

i have a sen child and receive CA so I’ve been getting pension stamps all this time so that’s a plus also a supportive partner But I’m feeling absolutely lost at the minute

Dont do it

I don't mean women with babies/ toddlers. I mean saying goodbye to making money once children are at school. Yes, there are some SAHD but still very few. And I would say only females would stay for such a long time away from paid employment.

I agree this is not a genuine post. But to make the point: only women forget crucial stuff like pension, and the fact that they are taking a massive gamble as life might change any time and affect the only person providing: illness of some sort, MH issues, addictions, divorce. Why SAHM always think this is something that might happen to someone else but never to them?

Only women focus in fulfillment, if they like or don't like commutes, office politics etc. Who cares, that's not important. What's important is being financially independent as an adult we all are. So the children can learn being independent adults too.

I doubt this is even real but to answer your question, YABU.

Dreamcatcher08, do not despair, and please look at retraining. You have a sen child, you might be able to retrain online. We were looking for someone recently part time for an admin post in our team to work hybrid and I would rather give the job to someone with your profile than a recent young graduate. Because I know someone like you are better suited for the role. There are many employers who would hire you. Please do not think nobody will ever give you a job.
All the best!

What you can achieve when your home is run by someone else is TOTALLY different to the energy you have when you are taking on some of that load

I guess that might be true for some people, @Eeksteek , but it really isn't true for me. I am the main breadwinner in our family. DH is self employed, and there have been periods when business hasn't been good when he has taken on the vast majority of the domestic load, including most of the cooking and nearly all of the cleaning etc. Equally, there have been times when his business has taken him overseas for several months at a time. Yes, I have to pick up more when he is away - in those extended periods, I am obviously responsible for everything. I do find some of it mildly irritating (especially mowing the flipping lawn and putting the bins out), but none of it is really that big a deal, and whether I do it or not has absolutely no bearing on how much energy I have for my work. I certainly don't achieve any less at work when dh is away - I have a bit less time to relax in the evenings, but it doesn't make a huge difference to me overall.

@Anothernamechangeplease

It’s based on my experience. My mother came to stay for a couple of weeks, while I sorted a probate house sale, and the difference just being able to…..walk out was astounding. She didn’t even do that much - I batch cooked before, so she served meals and cleared away, did all the school runs, generally tidied up a bit and did laundry, plus errands and grocery shopping while DD was at school. She probably did mow the lawn, but she won’t have cleaned. The transition from ‘house’ to ‘work’ was so much less stressful and I was much less frazzled, even though I still had the general mental load. I felt so free, even though I still did bedtimes (which were a marathon in these days) and activities. Maybe I was just used to doing it all on my own and it was just amazing not carrying the whole kit n cabboodle for once. I don’t think so though. I think it was going from being the default parent all the time, to one with specific, ringfenced much lesser responsibilities. I recall thinking at the time that this is what it must feel like being a dad, and no wonder they got better work prospects. It didn’t matter what time I got home, mum would sort dinner. Or what was for dinner. Or if DD had a clean uniform or wouldn’t get in the car and was late to school. For a pretty blissful couple of weeks, none of that was my problem!

To be honest it blows my mind that for women people think that you can just decide not to work or not to work full time unilaterally despite a partner's opinion/wishes. Every adult is responsible for themselves. Your partner supported you rightly when childcare was needed however now it isnt, why shouldn't OP work and why does it even matter what her husband's reasons are or why should it even be an option for her to unilaterally decide to work part time? What if her husband said do you know what? Screw work i don't want to work either.

I'm the breadwinner in my home and would be fine if my husband wanted to stop working for childcare purposes which benefited our home but there is no way, whatever I earned, I'd want to support him to carry on now working for absolutely no good reason after the need for childcare ended. Fine if he couldn't get work easily after time out and id support re training etc but a complete unwillingness to work?

I really think this sense of entitlement to make a unilateral decision regarding whether to work or not needs to stop regardless of household income. It is just lazy when there is no good reason not to.

What would you do OP if your husband felt strongly enough to say well I am not willing to support you doing nothing so divorce it is? You'd be in a much worse position surely?

Absolutely agree there is this fantastic value to having someone home. But if it is not agreed by both partners to be needed anymore then surely one person cannot unilaterally decide to be supported if the other doesn't want to support them?

Obviously if OP worked full time then husband would need to step up more in the home if he isn't already. OP, it may be if he has gotten used to having house cleaned and food cooked etc he suddenly decides he is happy for you to be home again. But he may think you can both do it between you or get help I.e. cleaner. Lots of couples both work full time and do this.

youngest may be at home for a while longer but is 15 so now perfectly capable of most tasks and no need for a parent to be home with them?

i love working, not for the money but for the benefits such as those mentioned?