To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Well it's strange the demographic you find yourself in because there are many posts on here regularly about cheating husbands and those women work.

You seem to be implying that women who aren't employed have no interests outside of the home and are just empty husks who are inevitably cheated on.

It's hilarious. Must be Stepford.

I don’t think it’s morally wrong not to want to work. If you would stop working if you won euro millions, then neither do you. It’s just about terms. But there potentially is an issue in a partnership being unequal, or the expectation that you are entitled to be supported by the state or others to do so. But the same applies to running the house, too. If your partner expects you to do more at home to free him up to work (and he probably does, even if unwittingly) then that’s an unequal partnership, too.

I suspect many working partners have no idea of the load their SAHP is taking off their plates - it’s invisible. Sure, you get free time, but what isn’t free (and it’s not piffling) is stuff they don’t have to do. Or even think about doing. What you can achieve when your home is run by someone else is TOTALLY different to the energy you have when you are taking on some of that load. You need to do a time and motion study of what you are doing - every second, from daily chores to random stuff like taking the kids to the dentist, sorting out kids’ outgrown clothes and packing for holidays, and to present it to your partner. If he can honestly say he will take on half of that (including taking time off for dentists etc) and does so, or will pay someone to do it, or take the hit in quality of life, then yeah, go back. I can virtually guarantee he does not know what he’s agreeing to without you spelling it out. Running my ordinary home took about 20 hours a week, not including childcare or new projects (this one is more, because of shopping around, shopping secondhand and flat pack, growing veg, selling things etc). Is he prepared to put in those hours, or pay someone to do it? Because if not, He’s just as morally wrong to be expecting you support him to ‘just work’ by running the house, as you would be if you expected to be entirely free from the responsibility of working in order to run the house. He can’t have it both ways.

I also calculated approximately what it might cost to replace me at home if I went back to a good job (assuming I can get one) From someone to ferry DD to paid activities instead of my free treasure hunts and cheapy crafts, to daily housekeeping, weekly cleaning, gardening, monthly maintenance, home improvements, dog walking, takeaways and ready meals instead of my batch cooks and fakeaways, full price shopping delivered instead of me going to Aldi and b and m, new clothes and furniture instead of second hand etc etc. it was about full time minimum wage. And if that’s what it costs to replace me, that’s the value I’m adding to a family budget. Again, you can’t have it both ways. Either it’s worth something, or it’s not. You cannot have freedom from those things by expecting a partner to do them and simultaneously expect that partner to work in addition, and still call it equal. You must either agree to give up your spare time, or your spare money to fill the gap. If you don’t, you are expecting a partnership that’s also unequal.

Sorry, didn’t mean to quote. It’s general comment, not a response.

If he also wanted you to be a SAHP what did he expect you to do after 15 years career break? I could never stay at home, I love having a career, but if we agreed for me to give up work for the good of the family I wouldn't expect to be thrust back into an entry level job in 15-20 years. What conversations did you have when you took on this role at home? Will he pick up the slack at home?

random stuff like taking the kids to the dentist, sorting out kids’ outgrown clothes and packing for holidays, and to present it to your partner. If he can honestly say he will take on half of that

I would really hope that by the time my children are in late teens, they can sort their own clothes.

This made me laugh. I'm sure my DH is riveted when I bang on about my highly specialised area of expertise, as much as I enjoy hearing about IT within financial services. We have a million and one things to talk about apart from work as I'm sure SAHPs do.

I'm sorry you work with a bunch of disgusting misogynists.

On these threads people love to list out all the super important jobs that take a million hours a week regardless of whether it’s relevant. The youngest child is 15 years of age - they don’t need mum to sort out their clothes for them. And as for packing for holidays - a group of teens and adults pack a suitcase each for their holidays surely?

It also bemuses me that some people seem to think people who work don’t possibly understand that all this happens. Those of us who work still pack for holidays and go to the dentist and write birthday cards.

And if that’s what it costs to replace me, that’s the value I’m adding to a family budget.

Honestly, I never understand these kinds of points. Most families with two working parents don't outsource much at all and the vast, vast majority of the expense is focused on the early years where they need nursery care.

Because hes shite with money and debt he has to pay from before he even met me.

He makes more but most of its already tied up going to car payments (for a car he was outright told he couldnt afford by banks) and debts from he teens/early 20s.

I have never had debt in my life, if I cant afford something I go without while I save up (my car was £600 bought outright as an example of the differences).

Therefore my money maybe 4x less but is 100% 'profit' because its not tied up in existing contracts.

I have no urge to be kept by a man and lose my independence, people always act like us SAHM are completely finacial incompitents and trapped to men but we aren't.

You just absorb all the chores into your working week as a working parent. Do you really think we don’t cook from scratch still and manage to get our kids to appointments? I notice that I’m far more efficient when working in every area of my life. When I was at home I felt like small tasks took on ridiculous proportions! Like going to the tip / supermarket and then ironing was a full day! Now I miraculously seem to be able to manage it all . We still bake too though often my teenage daughter prefers to do it herself. Also you aren’t a stay at home mum if your kids are out the house at school- you are unemployed. Stay at home mum is a role not a job.

Also I paid 100% of bills before he moved in (and coloud still if he moved back out) so paying 50% is real easy.

Also this “ I’m a chauffeur, a cook and a nurse “ nonsense. Of course you’re not. You are simply caring for your own family on a small scale and it helps no one but your own family

What total nonsense is being spouted on this thread. We both work FY yet somehow still manage to shop in Lidl, cook from scratch, walk dogs, get kids to appointments/activities, sort clothes, clean the house, do DYI and so on.

@BellePeppa

im sure everyone survived without home baked pies

So true. Some of the most successful men in my field have a full time stay at home trad wife. They pretty much have free reign to spend the time they need/want on getting ahead and the people they are competing against simply don’t have the same headspace or enough hours in the day to deliver at their level.
We have to be honest here, once people get a good bit of wealth, they effectively “buy a wife” or a bunch of staff who provide the equivalent of a stay at home spouses role - but without the unconditional love for the children. It’s worth something, and depending on your beliefs around parenting/family/education it could be worth a whole lot more than what you could ever buy in.

Not everyone can have someone focus exclusively on this role, just like not everyone can afford every opportunity they would ideally want for their family. That doesn’t make them bad/worse parents, but equally pretending that having a full time stay at home parent to pick all this up is just completely valueless is bizarre. It’s the probably exactly the kind of services I would buy in if I won the lottery tomorrow.

@flutterbybabycakes

that’s not what you said

you said you’d rather be able to buy your lippy yourself from you own income then have to go and ask your husband for the money for it.

I don’t want to be in a position where I’m having to go cap in hand to my husband to buy something as basic as a liptick no

I don't disagree with you. I will never be in a position to have to because I will never be unable to make money, even if I choose not to.

But if my husband did end up making the income he wants, which is uncapped and high, would my 8K a year really be worth the effort I put in now? I don't think so. I'd put earning on hold at that point.

If you were actually wealthy would you still feel the need to bring in your income?

He’s quite clear in the article that he has spoken to her - I think he says he’s ‘pleaded’ with her to get a job and says exactly why.

Also you aren’t a stay at home mum if your kids are out the house at school- you are unemployed

Unemployed means you aren't working and are wanting to work though. If you're not working and are happy not working and aren't looking for a job, then, no you're not considered unemployed. When you fill out forms, homemaker and unemployed are two distinct separate categories.

Fascinating that the OP has made up a scenario about a - shock horror - SAHM TO TEENAGERS!!!! - and it's got this level of reaction.

Glad you're all so up in arms about this fictional woman because her situation is basically mine (except my youngest is 13 and DH is not asking me to get a job).

I never realised my life would be so provocative or interesting to so many!

I will say this - I have been a SAHM to 4 children over 19 years. My husband is absolutely fine with this and appreciates it for what is is. He wouldn't have had it any other way. When the SAHM set up works, it works and it's great. Everyone benefits.

No I did not but some a SAHM to be a house skivvy etc etc. I have a cleaner. I became a SAHM for many reasons and I don't regret a second of it.

No I am not financially vulnerable before someone chimes in with that. If I was financially vulnerable, I would not SAH. Simple as that.

IF I ever return to paid work in some capacity it will be on my own terms, thankyou very much. I have a Masters degree. Why the hell should I have to take any old MW job just to 'get a job' for the sake of it.

There are many women like me. As if any of our husbands would want us working in Starbucks while they swan around on private jets or whatever. Are you joking? What kind of man would my husband be to suggest that?

Women in my position do quite often return to work but, as I said, it's on OUR own terms and it doesn't happen overnight. Off the top of my head in recent years , I know women who have become yoga teachers, psychotherapists, personal trainers, started up their own businesses, property development etc. Many many things. Or not. And the husbands have supported them all the way. This is not the same as taking the best years out of your wife so you can make your millions and then expecting her to get any old job once the kids are a bit more independent. A decent husband understands the reality of the situation and supports his wife as they move into a new phase. Not all men are w***s basically.

OP writes that extra money would be nice to have - so she's probably not independently wealthy and DH not megamillionaire flying private jets

Historically, marriage was a transaction. The man provided protection, accommodation and money. In return, the woman provided cleaning, cooking, children, childcare and sexual services (an attitude which still persists - see the thread on here about the DH who accused his wife of not performing her ‘wifely duties’ when she didn’t open her legs on command!)

It’s ok if people want to choose those traditional roles but there are very good reasons feminists fought for us to be freed from them.

It's fine if you are priveleged to be able to do that. I too have four kids ( not entirely planned ! ) and it's very hard work and given half the chance I would have been a sahm for some years but it just wasn't possible. I was back at work when my youngest was 6 months old doing nightshifts around my dh's job. It was exhausting and no -one benefited from a grouchy exhausted parent and wife. My youngest is now 16 and for the first time ever earlier this year I was between jobs and had 3 months off work. I seemed to be constantly busy doing household stuff, dog walks, ferrying kids around etc, so I can understand there is enough to do. Good for you if you've been able to do it for many years.

Glad you're all so up in arms about this fictional woman because her situation is basically mine (except my youngest is 13 and DH is not asking me to get a job).

Thats the fundamental difference right there though. The OP's husband does want her to get a job.

Right? There are men out there who see providing for their family as their duty and enjoy that role.