Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to work.

824 replies

kahase72 · 03/07/2022 01:06

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

OP posts:
3amAndImStillAwake · 03/07/2022 16:03

Thank you for answering, and I can't argue with your opinion. Mine though is that it's sad to bring people up to believe that a stable family unit is oppressive, and selling your labour until you can fall back exhausted into retirement is not.

You've described your family life as bliss, but isn't your husband in the "oppressive" position of selling his labour until falling exhausted into retirement as you've described here? It's an odd way for you to describe it when presumably your husband is happy with it.

Kanaloa · 03/07/2022 16:03

Of course, ‘selling your labour’ to the rich is super oppressive and awful. Unless it’s your husband doing it 😂

I’m sorry but I don’t think we’re going to agree at all. You also keep skirting the fact that marriage breakdowns aren’t down to silly woman not finding the right man - the ‘right’ man might cheat on you and leave for a younger woman, or leave for no reason. Just because he knew you didn’t want to work doesn’t mean the relationship will work out long term, and if he leaves you, you’re a housewife without a husband. For what it’s worth I’ll always present working to my girls as ‘intrinsically the better option’ of the alternative is advertising that you want to be supported by a man.

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 16:07

Kanaloa · 03/07/2022 15:55

@flutterbybabycakes

Again, I didn’t say being a housewife or SAHM is sad. I said bringing girls up to strive for a life as a facilitator to a man’s career is sad. You call it traditional but I call it outdated. It implies that girls and women exist to facilitate men and boys and have no potential of their own. It also doesn’t take into account the position a woman is left in if/when the ‘provider’ ups and leaves. As I’ve said although you think it would never happen I feel that’s naive. I’d always rather know I could stand on my own two feet. That’s why I think it’s sad.

I don't disagree with being able to exist should something happen to hubby. I don't think being a SAHM stops you developing yourself to ensure that wouldn't be the case, in fact it greatly facilitates it because you have lots of free time and are not tied to employment.

I think modern housewifery is freeing in contrast to 70 years ago.

I suppose I didn't articulate the nuances of the life in my eyes, that's my fault. It's not the same as being a SAHM in the 50s at all.

Mary46 · 03/07/2022 16:09

Its lot of pessure one earner. My friend was saying she wouldnt have confidence now after a big gap out work. But he on good earnings. With cost living now 2 wages do help.

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 16:10

I agree women are generally better suited to being at home...not all but generally. Of course some women would hate it and some men would enjoy it...but overall women do better at home than men. I speak from experience as once my mother died, my father took early retirement to stay at home and bring us up. He hated it and was useless. I know my own DH would be miserable not working. Me...I'm as happy as a pig in shit at home all day.

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 16:11

Kanaloa · 03/07/2022 16:03

Of course, ‘selling your labour’ to the rich is super oppressive and awful. Unless it’s your husband doing it 😂

I’m sorry but I don’t think we’re going to agree at all. You also keep skirting the fact that marriage breakdowns aren’t down to silly woman not finding the right man - the ‘right’ man might cheat on you and leave for a younger woman, or leave for no reason. Just because he knew you didn’t want to work doesn’t mean the relationship will work out long term, and if he leaves you, you’re a housewife without a husband. For what it’s worth I’ll always present working to my girls as ‘intrinsically the better option’ of the alternative is advertising that you want to be supported by a man.

I'm not so heteronormative. My daughter might be a lesbian. It's not really about sex unless biology comes into it.

I think paid employment as the ultimate goal in life is sad. I think it's a valuable life lesson but I would rather hope my daughter can do very little of it, and my husband creating a business and wealth may just allow her to see above the horizon of paid employment, and I will facilitate that to happen.

If it all comes crashing down I'll just do more of the work I do now and bring in just as much money as he brings in now, if not more.

I'm not in any kind of precarious situation at all. I was independent for a long time, now I'm not, because I'm in a family unit which includes three people, two adults, and we are healthily dependent on one another for the benefit of our child and our happiness. Should I ever need to be independent again, I can.

And a similar set up which doesn't limit opportunity to being in paid employment until retirement, and doesn't leave a healthy relationship to chance, is what I will present to my daughter as the ultimate goal.

RosesAndHellebores · 03/07/2022 16:13

@Comedycook I am very sorry about your mum but I can't quite believe what I just read.

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 16:13

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 16:10

I agree women are generally better suited to being at home...not all but generally. Of course some women would hate it and some men would enjoy it...but overall women do better at home than men. I speak from experience as once my mother died, my father took early retirement to stay at home and bring us up. He hated it and was useless. I know my own DH would be miserable not working. Me...I'm as happy as a pig in shit at home all day.

Funny isn't it. It's almost like traditional gender roles were not plucked from thin air.

RJnomore1 · 03/07/2022 16:14

But you work! You’ve said so repeatedly! All that time being freed up from being a wage slave that let’s you work for yourself…why are you even having this argument?

Youre very demeaning towards women who work btw. I realise some people do just have to work for the money but some of us have very fulfilling careers; and not all of us are making money for other people, some of us work in the public sector or charities.

Actually there’s a point. As economically inactive, by choice, is it fair that SAHM can use public services paid for by taxes? Or access things like pension credit when they haven’t contributed to the cost of the country? If your husband isn’t a high earner as you say, are you okay being a net taker from the system your entire life?

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 16:15

RosesAndHellebores · 03/07/2022 16:13

@Comedycook I am very sorry about your mum but I can't quite believe what I just read.

Feel free to elaborate.

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 16:15

3amAndImStillAwake · 03/07/2022 16:03

Thank you for answering, and I can't argue with your opinion. Mine though is that it's sad to bring people up to believe that a stable family unit is oppressive, and selling your labour until you can fall back exhausted into retirement is not.

You've described your family life as bliss, but isn't your husband in the "oppressive" position of selling his labour until falling exhausted into retirement as you've described here? It's an odd way for you to describe it when presumably your husband is happy with it.

No because he only has to focus on his career and doesn't have to worry one iota about anything else other than enjoying his family. that's my entire point about taking on one major family role being more efficient and less stressful.

And he is using that opportunity to upskill and be innovative so he doesn't have to remain in paid employment.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2022 16:16

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 16:10

I agree women are generally better suited to being at home...not all but generally. Of course some women would hate it and some men would enjoy it...but overall women do better at home than men. I speak from experience as once my mother died, my father took early retirement to stay at home and bring us up. He hated it and was useless. I know my own DH would be miserable not working. Me...I'm as happy as a pig in shit at home all day.

@Comedycook

im sorry about your mother but your generalisations about most women are so wrong

so, so many of us would not be happy like pigs I shit at home - we’d be bored as fuck

I8toys · 03/07/2022 16:17

YABU I've not read it all as its an immense thread but why would you not want to earn your own money?

shugmapeg · 03/07/2022 16:17

These days I don't work my husband supports me fully and I do the house which isn't too bad and I do my own thing. I have savings and my husband puts half what he saves into an account in my name, it all our money. It all depends on the couple though, it works for us but some men wouldn't like it, some women wouldn't.

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 16:18

No because he only has to focus on his career and doesn't have to worry one iota about anything else other than enjoying his family. that's my entire point about taking on one major family role being more efficient and less stressful

Yes life is much less stressful when one half of a couple is at home doing all house/kids stuff. It's a better life.

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 16:19

shugmapeg · 03/07/2022 16:17

These days I don't work my husband supports me fully and I do the house which isn't too bad and I do my own thing. I have savings and my husband puts half what he saves into an account in my name, it all our money. It all depends on the couple though, it works for us but some men wouldn't like it, some women wouldn't.

Children?

and out of interest how did you accrue your savings?

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 16:20

RJnomore1 · 03/07/2022 16:14

But you work! You’ve said so repeatedly! All that time being freed up from being a wage slave that let’s you work for yourself…why are you even having this argument?

Youre very demeaning towards women who work btw. I realise some people do just have to work for the money but some of us have very fulfilling careers; and not all of us are making money for other people, some of us work in the public sector or charities.

Actually there’s a point. As economically inactive, by choice, is it fair that SAHM can use public services paid for by taxes? Or access things like pension credit when they haven’t contributed to the cost of the country? If your husband isn’t a high earner as you say, are you okay being a net taker from the system your entire life?

I don't think life is nor has to be fair.

It's not technically fair that anyone on benefits can use the NHS, yet I have no issue with it.

Just as a non-financial contribution in a family is as valuable as a financial one, the same goes for the country; the non-financial contribution of being an active member of the community and hands-on parent to active members of the community, is equally valuable.

Taxes are pooled so that public services are for everyone, and that's the system we have and I have no issue with it. I'd have an issue with MPs misappropriating the funds before I'd have an issue with any individual people using public services.

middleofthelittle · 03/07/2022 16:20

YABU
You'll end up divorced with no career and no way of earning decent money.

I don't know how you can willingly sponge off your husband knowing he very rightfully wants you to contribute.

Weird behaviour

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 16:21

And it's exactly the same at retirement age once a person is widowed. Women who lose their husbands seem to end up thriving in their retirement.... socialising, exercising, having a marvellous time. Men who lose their lives in retirement often crumble.

I'm sure someone quite renowned but can't remember who said men need two things to thrive...work and love.

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 16:22

I8toys · 03/07/2022 16:17

YABU I've not read it all as its an immense thread but why would you not want to earn your own money?

Because family money is your own money. A family is a unit.

For the record I do earn money as well and agree with you that I prefer that to asking my husband for a tenner for lipstick, but being able to do the latter wouldn't be bad either. We're just not there yet.

RJnomore1 · 03/07/2022 16:24

So the short answer is yes you’re quite happy to utilise other peoples tax money for your support but not out in yourself.

Im actually quite comfortable with people on benefits using the nhs and all of the other public services as despite the press they’re either being put through hoops for it or in a situation so bad they can’t work or - in low paid work. I’m not sure I’m so comfortable with people who are able to actively making a choice not to contribute. Working doesn’t stop you volunteering and being part of the community as well you know. It’s not an either or.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2022 16:26

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 16:22

Because family money is your own money. A family is a unit.

For the record I do earn money as well and agree with you that I prefer that to asking my husband for a tenner for lipstick, but being able to do the latter wouldn't be bad either. We're just not there yet.

Show quote history

@flutterbybabycakes

you don’t wanna get there though do you?!

FrippEnos · 03/07/2022 16:26

stayingpositiveifpossible
*If OP gets divorced - half the assets will be split - she won't have the problem of negotiating with anyone and will receive a spousal settlement.(

I wish posters would stop posting drivel about spousal settlements, they are rare and if the OP got one it would only last a few years till she was expected by the court to support herself and her share of the expenses for the children,

Basically the pay she should have had for all the unpaid work she has been doing for the past 15-20 years odd.

And should he deduct her rent, utilities, food etc?

And then she can choose how much housework she does.

She probably already does

And have some say in further training without the burden of her DH telling her what to do

and he could reduce his hours so that he could have some free time with his adult to mid-teen family

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 16:27

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2022 16:16

@Comedycook

im sorry about your mother but your generalisations about most women are so wrong

so, so many of us would not be happy like pigs I shit at home - we’d be bored as fuck

Show quote history

So you have no interests? No new skills you'd like to learn?. Books you'd like to read? Write?

A fun project with your child? Some art? cultural trips?

This isn't about SAHM mum life being boring, it's about the people you describe being boring.

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 16:27

In terms of public spending, I really wouldn't trouble yourself too much...sahms being solely supported by their husbands are really not the awful drain on public finances you think they are!